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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My dad's escalating violence against my mum. Long.

27 replies

Ness66 · 17/07/2011 22:31

Name change here.

My dad has always been a difficlut, controlling man who has treated my mum as a general dogsbody, verbal punchbag and general whipping boy. He is an old man now and recently has become more and more aggressive to my mum. Over the last week she hasnt been able to leave the house, he keeps her awake all night throwing things at her door (separate rooms), swears and shouts non-stop all day, he has been throwing bins, folders and books at her today. 2 nights ago she spent the night fully dressed and standing by the front door with her keys in her hand because she was so scared.

He frequently goes off wandering and she has to go and retrieve him from neighbours/shops/ the police station. When they go in shops he is abusive to staff. He has now started wandering around with no clothes on (in the house but prob neighbours can see). She is so deeply ashamed and humiliated by his actions. She wont ask for help.

He controls all the finances, she has no money of her own.

I have begged her to leave him. She wont. I am concerned for her safety and her mental and physical well-being.

He is in his 80s, she is 75.

I dont know what to do.

OP posts:

TheSnickeringFox · 17/07/2011 22:33

Are Social Services involved? If not then I think you need to involve them. Your poor mum :(

Original poster

Ness66 · 17/07/2011 22:34

I have asked my mum to involve them. Dh wanted me to call the police today. I am worried that things will get worse for my mum if outside agencies get involved. I am worried they will commit my dad. I am worried that they wont commit my dad.

OP posts:

belledechocchipcookie · 17/07/2011 22:35

She needs to call in the doctor. He could have an infection/dementia so needs assessing medically. Social services also need to give support. He could be unwell, which could account for the deterioration in his behaviour towards your mother so this needs looking into.

Nanny0gg · 17/07/2011 22:35

Can you speak to his GP?
This may be the start of some form of dementia and she will need help.
She will also need legal advice regarding the finances if he is no longer aware of what is happening.

Sorry to hear this.

AgentZigzag · 17/07/2011 22:36

Your poor mum, he doesn't sound very well at all.

Has your mum not been able to get anyone to see him? Like the doctor?

I'm not sure whether she (or you) could get him to seen without his consent, but it sounds like such a desparate situation that surely someone would be able to help.

Hopefully someone who knows more will post for you.

LittleWhiteWolf · 17/07/2011 22:36

Is he unwell or is he just very unpleasant?

Echo SnickeringFox: are SS involved and if not they should be. Its all very well your poor mum being ashamed of him, but that's not very helpful to her.

Sympathies to you, it sounds very difficult. Could she come to you at all?

FannyFifer · 17/07/2011 22:36

Whatever about his previous behaviour, seems pretty likely he now has some form of Dementia.
Can you contact his GP?

ToothbrushThief · 17/07/2011 22:37

Please call help for your mum.

It's not wrong to get police/social services inolved against her wishes. it's the right thing to do

TheSecondComing · 17/07/2011 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScarlettIsWalking · 17/07/2011 22:40

I am really sorry this is happening. I really think you need to inform his GP, SS or relevant agencies as a matter of emergency.

Your poor mum. I really hope it works out.

Original poster

Ness66 · 17/07/2011 22:41

He has had a brain scan and the results should be back on tuesday.
He has always been horrid to her so I cant say that this behaviour is the result of a disease or dementia/alzheimers. . I sent dh round there today and my dad was charm personified to him. Most people think my dad is lovely. They dont know the truth. He is always lovely to the nurses at the hospital, they have no idea what goes on at home.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 17/07/2011 22:42

What about ringing SS but just to ask for advice of what would happen at first?

Then you wouldn't be committing yourself completely but would have a bit of control and some facts while you decided what to do.

TheSnickeringFox · 17/07/2011 22:42

Things are only going to deteriorate. Toothbrushthief is right, in this case you would be helping your mum by involving ss and gp. You sound like a lovely, caring daughter. Do you have support?

TheSnickeringFox · 17/07/2011 22:44

Just read your last post. IMO this is all the more reason it's important that you get your side across.

Sassybeast · 17/07/2011 22:44

You need to step in. For both their sakes. if he has always been controlling and unpleasant, it's probably easier to just assume that he is indeed escalating his abuse. But to be honest, he sounds as if he is ill - and he needs to be assessed in terms of both his physical and mental health. If finances are involved, you need to register your concerns NOW with his GP.
With regards him being 'commited' - am assuming that you mean sectioned under the mental health act? Whilst it is very difficult to consider, intervention IS nessecary and any mental health legislation is used to protect the patient and those they may harm.
She doesn't 'have' to leave him if she doesn't want to - but she needs help to realise that this cannot carry on and if there are things that can be done to reverse or manage the underlying causes, then they need to be done NOW.

Original poster

Ness66 · 17/07/2011 22:49

Thank you for all your responses.
Sassybeast, yes I mean sectioned. I always imagine mental hospitals to be like One Flew over the cuckoos nest type of place and I hate to think of my dad going into a place like that because of my actions. I really dont want to be the one dealing with it, i have a huge amount of other crap on my plate at the moment. But my poor mum has noone else, he has made sure of that.

I will call ss for advice tomorrow. .

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 17/07/2011 22:51

Your mum's not on her own ness, she has you and your DH

Original poster

Ness66 · 17/07/2011 22:53

True, she does and we live fairly close which is a bonus. It breaks my heart to think of her terrified in her own home. Home should be a sanctuary.

OP posts:

belledechocchipcookie · 17/07/2011 22:55

Ness, I'm sending you a PM.

ninedragons · 17/07/2011 22:58

Is there any way you would be able to find out what he has done with regard to his will? The ultimate act of control and abuse would be to leave his entire estate to a charity.

I think your poor mum needs to take legal advice about her options, even if she won't consider leaving him.

Original poster

Ness66 · 17/07/2011 23:05

Re the will, he has left everything to me and my brother. She is not mentioned in it apparently. Despite half the money being hers! He has always taken her money/pension/redundancy money and put it where she cant get to it. Noone has a clue about his finances and he will not relinquish control. I tried talking to him about Power of Attorney a few weeks ago but it fell on deaf ears.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ness66 · 17/07/2011 23:07

From what I understand, if he is sectioned or deemed incompetant, we will have hell of a fight to gain control of the money. In the meantime, my mum will be penniless. He will NEVER consent to her having any control of the finances. He never has.

OP posts:

catwoman2011 · 17/07/2011 23:55

Dementia can occur from a very young age so try not to dismiss his behaviour as npenal just because he has been this way for a while.

Many professionals will have to carry out assessments before they section a patient. It is more likely the patient will be taken into a dementia care home (the care home is very secure and helps people with many psychological issues). Some care homes provide restbite care which, all going well would mean that the patient spends a week or two at the home, allowing their carer a bit of R&R. Or they can make the move permanent.

It can be very upsetting for the whole family when someone has to go into care. Sometimes family members try to resist making this decision for fear that they are giving up on their relative. This is not the case.

If it turns out that you feel the best option for your father is to go into care for his and your mother's safety, then shop around for care homes (they may find emergency care but you do not have to stay there). Each home varies immensely and can enhance or surpress recovery.

I hope this helps a little (I provide training in care homes), if you would like more suport, please feel free to PM me.

catwoman2011 · 17/07/2011 23:56

*normal

pigletmania · 17/07/2011 23:57

That is so , sounds as though he does need to be sectioned so that she can get the freedom she deserves. Contact women's aid, or Citizens Advice Bureau. It does not matter what age, abuse can happen at any stage of life, and he sounds like a nasty piece of work tbh

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