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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable or is DH?

26 replies

Newmummytobe79 · 15/07/2011 09:31

Really not sure if I?m being petty here or if I have a right to be p*ssed off.

DH started going for 1 pint after work on a week night when his business partner split up from his wife. That was a good 4/5 months ago. It?s now escalated to a few more pints ? except when his business partner goes to meet his new girlfriend (you see where I?m going ??) ? a friend has started to join them so when business partner goes to see new girlfriend, DH now stays later with friend.

I really don?t mind him nipping for a couple after work but this has now turned into a regular weekly thing and being nearly 34 weeks pregnant ? I?ve told him things will change when baby gets here. He accepts this ? and if it doesn?t change I?ll just leave him with baby and ?nip? for a few wines with the girls and see how he likes it!

My annoyance with him is that I have to ring or text him to find out where he is, then he tells me what time he?ll be home ? yet he is ALWAYS late! If he told me he?s be back half an hour/hour later and was then it wouldn?t matter so much but it just feels like he?s taking the p*ss out of me.

He also swears he only has a couple of pints and then drives home (when he?s not driving he comes home pretty drunk) ? yet I?m sure he was slurring when he got home this week and then spent all night in a childish mood like I?d stopped his fun.

He was super nice the following morning so I?m guessing he knows he was a bit out of order but I?m still annoyed with him.

We?re going to seriously struggle on SMP yet he can gladly drink away between £15-30 in the pub when he ?pops for a pint? and it?s p*ssing me off that I?m the one scrimping and saving so I can keep a tiny bit of financial independence on maternity leave.

He drinks Thursday, Friday, Saturday and a bit on a Sunday so it?s not like I?m a nagging wife asking him to cut it out ? and I?ve driven us to every night out with his pals and wives and not moaned to go home early ? so please don?t think I?m stopping him having fun!

We used to be each others drinking partners so I understand he misses that ? but so do I! And I can?t get a bit tiddly whilst he continues to drink what he likes.

Please don?t get me wrong ? as he?s a fantastic husband, I just see red when he behaves like this!

Do I just let him get on with it and stop letting it get to me ? or am I right to be annoyed with him?

OP posts:
dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 15/07/2011 09:34

YANBU. He is out of order. His selfish behaviour should be nipped in the bud now.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 15/07/2011 09:37

As soon as I read about your suspicions of him driving when potentially drunk, I am afraid I think he is a selfish tosser who needs to get a life and be more responsible.

fivegomadindorset · 15/07/2011 09:39

That is between £60 and £120 a week in the pub.

YANBU

JanMorrow · 15/07/2011 09:43

Apart from the money and the lack of consideration for you, he's drink driving? Dick.

Original poster
Newmummytobe79 · 15/07/2011 09:43

It's only one night a week - not 5! Sorry if I didn't explain that very well!

You're right about the drinking and driving - and I can't go on enough about it. I may be wrong ... but I don't think I am :(

OP posts:
DialMforMummy · 15/07/2011 09:44

YANBU.
Have you spoken to him about it calmly (not when he comes back from the pub!)? Maybe you can suggest that they could come for a drink at your place? Then it's cheaper and no drink driving.

brownleatherbrogues · 15/07/2011 09:47

so will he be drinking and driving with your kid in the car?

i would tell him next time he drives home from pub, you will be informing the police

Original poster
Newmummytobe79 · 15/07/2011 09:52

No he will not!!!

He believes a couple is under the limit - which I'm not too sure about?

I'll just tell him that's the last time he drives home after a drink

To be fair he often leaves the car there ... but then he's had 3 or 4 (or more) pints

OP posts:
Zimm · 15/07/2011 09:53

One night out a week with friends before the baby comes is reasonable. Not letting you know roughly when he will be home is unreasonable. Drink driving and spending £100 pw on booze is not reasonable.

Original poster
Newmummytobe79 · 15/07/2011 09:56

That's it - I don't mind the one night at all. It's just the being late and not letting me know - all the time!

And the driving

OP posts:
FuzzpigFourFiveSix · 15/07/2011 10:00

YANBU

DogsBestFriend · 15/07/2011 10:07
  1. What's so peculiar about you handing him the baby and going out for a few drinks? You say it like it would be a crime. If he can behave normally between now and the birth, do it.
  1. That said, CAN he act normally? Because pregnant or not there is NO WAY I would remain living with someone who drinks and drives.

My cousin was 17 when he was killed by a bastard like your husband. ACT NOW to stop the next victim being someone else's child... or your own.

ohnoudidnt · 15/07/2011 10:12

YANBU...Is the other friend that your dh stays with male or female?

JanMorrow · 15/07/2011 10:13

The rule of thumb for pints is generally 1 and a half pints, but it varies person to person. Anything more than a pint though is a bit irresponsible..

Original poster
Newmummytobe79 · 15/07/2011 10:20

DogsBestFriends - I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin - that's truly awful. But I'm only questioning my husband, it's not confirmed. And don't worry - I will be going out for wine once baby is here! :)

Friend is male

1 1/2 pints? Thanks JanMorrow

OP posts:
33goingon64 · 15/07/2011 10:36

I agree about the drink driving. But maybe he is enjoying the last weeks of freedom before he becomes a father. Just because he is doing this now doesn't mean he will continue once the baby comes. Sounds like he acknowledges that.

I would suggest talking it through when you are both fresh and tell him that you would prefer him not to be later than he says, especially as at the moment it's really important that you know where he is in case you go into labour. That should shock him into reality.

It's obvious you aren't being a killjoy and you would be perfectly reasonable to explain your feelings. Have you had a chat yet about money? It's never easy but you need to do it otherwise it will store up problems for later.

DogsBestFriend · 15/07/2011 10:44

You're questioning a man's drink-driving behaviour when he drives home and you are "pretty sure he was slurring" his words?

You must surely know whether he was slurring his words or not - after all, you live with him, you know what he sounds like drunk or sober. I may be way off the mark here and if I am I apologise but it something tells me that you're struggling to admit to yourself that he was slurring his words rather than you're unsure about it.

Original poster
Newmummytobe79 · 15/07/2011 10:46

Very wise words 33goingon64 :)

I have explained how I feel ... and will do again. I'm hoping his morning nice behaviour was a part grovel?

I've explained about the money and he assures me he's got it covered - I'm just glad I've been saving like mad to cover any c*ck ups! It'll still be tight but I'm hoping my back-up pot will help ... and if he has got it covered it may buy us some treats :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmummytobe79 · 15/07/2011 10:50

Hi DogsBestFriend - he'd been up since dawn so I'm not 100% sure it wasnt just tiredness (I'm not justifying it - just not ready to bash him as a killer bastard) he most definitley wasn't drunk - but I could tell he'd had a drink.

I will discuss it with him as I am totally against drink driving just like you are

OP posts:
DogsBestFriend · 15/07/2011 10:54

Ah, see your point then. COuld be indeed, I don't cope well with tiredness and doubtless sound pissed as an ox myself when I'm knackered!

I hope that you get it all sorted and you make damn sure that you hand him baby when he/she arrives, get your glad rags on and go out with your friends too!

MsTeak · 15/07/2011 10:54

The drink driving is inexcusable and if it were my DH I would kick him out for that , not that he would even dream of it.

On the other though, I don't see the problem with a man having a drink once a week with his friends. Because he's having a baby he should sit home every night? I don't see why. People need time for themselves to relax and socialise, you should do the same for yourself.

Original poster
Newmummytobe79 · 15/07/2011 10:58

Indeed I shall Wine :)

MsTeak - as I said I don't mind at all - it's the other bits I mentioned that piss me off

OP posts:
MsTeak · 15/07/2011 10:58

oh and on one and a half pints, that equates to the legal limit of 80mg, which has long been widely criticised as far too high. Its one of the highest in Europe. The safe limit is none.

squeakytoy · 15/07/2011 11:05

If he is tired too, that will mean even a pint could affect his ability to drive properly. How near to you is the pub? You could always go there and have a non-alcoholic drink too.. a social life doesnt have to involve alcohol.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 15/07/2011 13:18

I can remember dh saying he missed his drinking buddy when I was pg with dd.

Are you sure he will stop once the baby is here though? You've already been told you are spoiling his fun.