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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking it's not my fault.

16 replies

OracleInaCoracle · 10/07/2011 14:46

I have an extremely painful, chronic condition that is prone to flare ups. The docs have reviewed and think it may be lupus or rheumatoid arthritis. My ribs swell up and push out, causing lumps on the bone and loss of use in my arms and fingers. Its very, very painful and I am in the midst of a particularly bad flare up right now.

We have just moved to a new area and made friends with our new neighbours. One side is having a bbq today for their ds's birthday and we are invited. Woke up this morning unable to lift my arm or turn my head. I'm having difficulty breathing and a cough has reduced me to tears. I have a cold and my shoulder keeps clicking and my ribcage is bruised. I asked dh to take ds and go without me. I feel awful and am in too much pain. He has gone but is in a mood.

He has been looking after me all week and always does a great job but he is getting fed up now, I don't blame him, but I can't help this and would be no fun.

Should I have gone?

OP posts:
HelloKlitty · 10/07/2011 14:49

No. Of course not. SOrry you feel so bad today....maybe when you get a diagnosis then you and DH will feel better.

My sis has Lupus and her DH gets weirdly annoyed when she has a flareup...but it's not that he MEANS to be useless...he is scared.

AxlRose · 10/07/2011 14:50

Of course not - you're not well.

Try not to worry, I bet DH will have realised he's being unreasonable by now, he was probably just disappointed you couldn't go with him.

Hope you;re feeling better soon.

SpangledPandemonium · 10/07/2011 14:54

No you shouldn't have gone. You are ill.
DH is probably disappointed. Hopefully he will be over it by the time he returns.

I have a partner with a debilitating health problem which flares up. Sometimes he just can't keep commitments we have made as a family. I am ashamed to say that sometimes I sulk. It's ridiculous, I know, and I hate myself for it. I suppose I've been looking forward to doing something together and feel sad that it won't happen. It's my problem and I am learning to grow up and deal with it like an adult.

Sorry for rambling - just trying to look at it from his pov. I hope you feel better soon

MistressFrankly · 10/07/2011 14:55

No you shouldnt have gone. DH is probably just disappointed you cant come. Having a condition like yours is hard and so is caring for someone with it. Cut yourselves some slack. I am sure he will be fine when he gets back.

My ex used to get very upset if i had to miss things when i was having a lot of joint problems. He would seem moody at me but it was really just frustration.

Spend the day taking it easy - the sooner you feel better, the sooner you DH and DS can do stuff together. When you feel up to it get the neighbours round for a BBQ at yours.

AgentZigzag · 10/07/2011 14:55

Does he think you should just be soldiering on regardless of the pain you're in?

I suppose you could take it that he was looking forward to spending time with you and your DS, but he's a big lad and is able to go to a barbie on his own surely.

SpangledPandemonium · 10/07/2011 14:55

Just read klitty's post and have to agree that it is also worry and fear.

Hope you have a lovely evening together

Original poster
OracleInaCoracle · 10/07/2011 14:56

Thanks, I just feel really bad about it. I've made such an effort to integrate and make new friends, and am feeling really down about it. But I'm in bed with the electric blanket on feeling sorry for myself and listening to everyone having fun.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 10/07/2011 14:58

Hmmm, looking at your post spangled, the DH is probably just fucked off with the condition laying the OP low rather than the OP then?

Original poster
OracleInaCoracle · 10/07/2011 14:59

We were both really looking forward to it, he is scared. I'm in a lot of pain and that's hard to see.

I used to push through pain and illness, but I can't even dress myself right now!

OP posts:
ThePopsicleKat · 10/07/2011 14:59

YANBU. You poor thing. How rotten having to feel guilty about being so ill. Hope you get a proper diagnosis soon Brew

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/07/2011 15:01

There are several other possibilities to your DH being in a mood, other than being fed up with you, lissielou.

As HelloKlitty (great name!) said, he could be scared.

Another possibility is that you have just moved. This BBQ is possibly the first opportunity to meet many of your neighbours? He may be worried that you not being there will mean you get pigeon-holed as 'the sick woman at number X', and this will affect how others see you.

He might not fancy going to a BBQ with a bunch of strangers, as your new neighbours presumably are.

Regardless, no, you shouldn't have gone, it would just have made youfeel even worse than you already do.

Hope your health improves Sad.

DorothyGherkins · 10/07/2011 15:09

Hope you get a diagnosis soon, and hopefully some relief from your condition, it must be grim when you have children to look after. If you dont look after yourself first, then you will be in no position to care for others. Hopefully you wont feel like this for long, please take great care of number one! A bbq is nothing in the grand scheme of things, your husband can handle it.

Original poster
OracleInaCoracle · 10/07/2011 15:12

Oh god, I hadn't even considered being pigeonholed! He is great when I'm ill and takes v good care of me. We moved here because I wanted to, he had lived in our old town since he was 9, and he has been missing his friends.

He has every right to feel a bit sulky, we were both excited about today. And its hard for him to see me like this, plus, he has to do everything for me.

OP posts:
HelloKlitty · 10/07/2011 15:16

Pigeonholed schmigenoled.

Nobody has done that to my sis.

SpangledPandemonium · 10/07/2011 16:23

I think so zigzag. When DP has a relapse I sometimes panic. Day by day, life goes on and I can keep my head in the sand but on bad days reality hits hard and the potential impact of his condition worsening fills me with fear. Takes time to adjust I suppose.

lissie the last thing you need is guilt and stress on top of your physical symptoms. Does he talk about how he feels?

dutchyoriginal · 10/07/2011 16:44

Lissielou, no, you should not have gone. I think your DH understands that as well, but at the same time feels a bit worried about your health/meeting new people/going alone, maybe he misses you as well, is a bit disappointed about you not being there to share the fun together. If the situation was reversed, you would probably have some of these feelings as well (and feel a bit guilty about it :) ).

My mother became chronically ill 35 years ago, and her different illnesses have always severely limited the activities that my parents can do together. My father doesn't always like it, but he loves her and knows that this is all part of the package. My mother also wishes that her health was better and that they could do more, and she occasionally tells my father this and that she's grateful that he is around. I think it helps them both to acknowledge out loud that the situation is shit and that they miss being able to do stuff, but that they appreciate what the other is doing to make it better. Would that help you and your DH?

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