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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to resent SAHP being seen as scroungers

46 replies

yummy80 · 07/07/2011 14:43

I am a SAHP parent. My choice mainly because it suits our family and cost of childcare would outweigh any salary I could earn. (DH works long hours.) I appreciate we are lucky that dh has a good income and therefore do not receive any any tax credits etc.
However, it seems that people assume that if you don't work you are being subsidised by taxpayers.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 07/07/2011 14:46

Do they?

Well don't listen to them then?!

smileyfacestar · 07/07/2011 14:50

Our family is in a similar position although I work a few hours on the weekend because I like the job and hope to progress in this field 'someday' .No tax credits etc because of dh income. I am sometimes asked if I want to increase my hours but this is impossible as the childcare cost would completey erase my earnings. People find it strange that this is my choice and I really would not get help with childcare. I am happy spending time with DC though.

JoandMax · 07/07/2011 14:52

I have seen comments like that online but never in RL..... I couldn't care less though, I do what's best for my family!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/07/2011 15:12

YABU... What people are these that assume a SAHP is a scrounger? I happen to know a SAHP that witters on cheerfully about how she's a 'kept woman', spending her DHs money while he's off at work... might privately think she's a bit of a scrounger on a domestic level. Others I just think they're lucky to be able to live on one income.

Rocky12 · 07/07/2011 15:31

Think the real issue is the terrible cost of childcare £45 per day we were paying x 22 working days x 2 kids - yikes nearly £2k per month!!! What I do have an issue with is people who choose to stay at home and then moan that their benefits are cut or who have low paid partners and dont do anything about it. We managed to both work full time and afford the child care, the children are now both a private schools (because the intial cost of their school was no different to full time childcare) that is how expensive it was and I dont think £4.50 per hour is particularly excessive. On another thread someone was demanding that the minimum wage be £10 per hour. So £4400 per month would be payable to my childminder!!!

manicinsomniac · 07/07/2011 16:04

I think YABU, I don't know anybody who thinks that.

I kind of envy SAHP because
a) it's not an option for me because I'm a single parent
and
b) I wouldn't be happy spending too much time at home, even with my own kids, which is kind of sad. I'm jealous of those who want to.

Maybe the envy of many single mums or bored workers comes across as snarky and implying that SAHPs are spongers?

I think possibly, in the same way, the envy of many bored SAHP can come across as snary and implying that people who work are heartless and inferior mothers.

I think you get both attitudes and that neither are what people actually think but just a way of expressing frustration that 'the grass is greener'.

UKSky · 07/07/2011 22:03

But who are you perceived as "scrounging" from? I have just finished my ML and resigned from my job to SAH. DH financially supports us all, but how could this be seen as scrounging?

If there is a legitimate source I can scrounge from, just so I can keep up my secret chocolate stash?

usualsuspect · 07/07/2011 22:07

Just ignore them

Some people have no clue

skybluepearl · 07/07/2011 22:15

being a SAHM is seen totally different here in my community. people see the value in it.

lostlady · 07/07/2011 22:16

I don't think people do think that. I think it's fine, as long as your family works if they can and makes a contribution then good on you Smile

HidinginaHardHat · 07/07/2011 22:20

You know what? I really don't go in for analysing any other family's situations and financial arrangements. I have enough of my own worries to contend with. Online life really doesn't help with people's paranoia.

Cocoflower · 07/07/2011 22:52

Well I have seen some downright nasty comments on MN about SAHP. Never in real life have I come across negative attitiudes but certainly on MN.

x2boys · 08/07/2011 08:42

if you can afford to be stay at home parent on one income then great if you need two incomes to survive like me and dh then you have to work whilst i would love to be a sahm have a four year old and a one year old i,m the main wage earner so just cant afford to do it well said rocky i read a lot of your comments on another thread and am in complete agreement with you .

savoycabbage · 08/07/2011 08:46

I don't think people do think that do they? Like x2boys I think that some people choose to stay at home because they want to and can afford to, some people can afford to and don't want to. Some people want to and can't afford it.

So YABU. I don't think most people do think that.

TillyIpswitch · 08/07/2011 08:50

I'm a SAHM and have never encountered that attitude...! Seriously - ever.

So I'm afraid to say, YABU.

Cocoflower · 08/07/2011 08:53

Do people need read threads on MN? Confused

I once had someone tell me on here children of SAHM are more likely to be failures!

shmoz · 08/07/2011 08:55

I'm a SAHM and I'm on benefits.

Made redundant while on ML, will probably look for a part time job when DS turns 1.

If anyone wants to call me a scrounger that's up to them, couldn't give a monkeys - especially as I've paid (a considerable amount of) tax into the welfare system over the last 20 odd years before having DS.

fernier · 08/07/2011 08:57

I am a sahm and no one has ever accused me of this (at least not that I am aware of!).

DuelingFanjo · 08/07/2011 08:58

I don't think people do, do they?

Cocoflower · 08/07/2011 09:02

Despite having worked FT then moving onto working part-time running my own small bussiness from home and being a SAHM the other half my DH (now ex) friend told me he had no respect for me and I needed to do more.

Admitedly no-one else in RL seems to an issue at all but it was still such a horrible thing to think someone thinks your worthless because you dont do full-time hours for an employer.

Scholes34 · 08/07/2011 09:04

I think it's quite the opposite. You're lucky you're able to live on one salary.

Kalinda · 08/07/2011 09:15

Everyone has a different story to tell, people are SAHPs for a plethora of reasons, some by choice, some by force of circumstance. Personally, it's never been intimated to me that I'm living off the state, but my personal circumstances would bely that assumption, so perhaps that's why. I can imagine some people have encountered this sort of prejudice. Have you, OP?

I have a greater problem with the assumption that I am kept by my poor, put upon DH, as opposed to our arrangement being by mutual agreement and mutually beneficial - an attitude I have seen a lot of on MN. We both had the same career, I was actually slightly more senior and better paid than he. It was my personal fortune that paid most of the mortgage, and it is that which allows me not to work and for him to devote himself to his much loved career. If we were both working, there's no way he could put in the hours he does and climb the career ladder because I would expect him to take on 50% of the childcare responsibilities. My being at home allows him to have the career he wants just as much as his working allows me to be at home with the DCs.

extremepie · 08/07/2011 09:28

I've not really encountered any negative attitudes towards SAHM's personally but a LOT of negative attitudes towards SAHF! My DH stays at home with our 2 boys (one of whom is autistic), and I know it is not an easy job at all.

I work part-time and go to college, so many times we have had to defend our choice for me to work and DH to stay at home, some people seem to have such a problem with the fact that a MAN is, shock horror, staying at home to raise his children. It seems that if you are a SAHM, that is perfectly acceptable and is not questioned (as much), especially when the kids are still really young and not in school, but if you are a Dad and are not out at work some people seem to think that makes you less of a man, like you're not providing for your family or something?

Is staying at home and looking after your children is not valuable? Why should I give up studying and working if he is happy to stay at home? Doesn't make sense to me! DH staying at home makes a lot more sense for our family, for several reasons, but some just don't seem to get this and I get really fed up of constantly trying to justify ourselves!

utah · 08/07/2011 09:38

I am a sahm mum and I am not a scrounger, we have not been lucky as before having children we worked hard day and night and moved up the property ladder and paid off the morgage before having children. tbh I do not have much negativity except the odd lucky comment and how do we manage to treat the children so well.

cory · 08/07/2011 09:43

Whether you can afford it or not depends on whether you would get paid more than you would have to pay the childminder. For people on low wages, it's not exactly a case of being able to be afford to be a SAHM: it's about whether you can afford any alternative. I worked at a loss two days a week, because I wanted to stay in work- but that was the maximum we could afford.