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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect her to help a bit??

14 replies

stoppinchingthedummy · 05/07/2011 16:40

I may be being unreasonable but i leave the mn jury to decide

We have a family member staying with us a couple of days a week for a few months as she has just started work in the town we live in and lives too far away to get a bus and doesnt drive yet. She is almost 18. She has been here on and off for about 5 weeks ,probably about 10 days altogether if i was to add them up.

Ok my question ,should i expect her to be helping a little bit around the house , i mean helping with the dishes when we have made her tea etc?She gets in from work and literally just sits on the sofa all evening watching tv or listening to her ipod which is very annoying when im watching tv too or do i leave her too it as she is a guest?

We have two young dc and both work full time too so as u can probably imagine my house gets messy very quickly and i dont have much time to tidy ...or if i do its only 5 minutes before it looks like a bombs hit again [roll]

If i am not being unreasonable how do i ask her without making her seeing her arse over it?

OP posts:

Original poster

stoppinchingthedummy · 05/07/2011 16:43

Oh i just want to add i actually spend most of my evening cleaning on mumsnet so its not that i feel im doing loads cos she is here but a little help after tea while im sorting dc would be nice.

OP posts:

BeerTricksPotter · 05/07/2011 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onehellofaride · 05/07/2011 16:45

is she contributing financially? a few months is a long time to have someone staying in your house twice a week and not doing anything! what was the agreement before she started staying? I would definately be asking her to help out with things! YADNBU

zukiecat · 05/07/2011 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

louschmoo · 05/07/2011 16:50

YANBU at all - she is a guest, but she is also family and you are doing her a favour letting her stay so that she can get to her job easily. I think most adults in her shoes would offer to do the dishes and would make sure they tidied up after themselves. She maybe isn't doing it because she is still quite young - when I was her age I would probably not have thought about offering to help but if I was asked to I wouldn't have been offended at all. I think you should just casually say 'oh, it's your turn to wash up today' at the next meal you have and take it from there...she will probably get the hint.

Poledra · 05/07/2011 16:51

I'd go with Beertricks' idea - 'I'm just going to put the children to bed - could you clear up in here? Thanks!' all said in a breezy, won't-take-no-for-an-answer style. Then bugger off and leave her to it. It's not unreasonable at all. My ILs are coming to stay for a couple of weeks, at my invitation to help out with my childcare - I know I'll also get all my meals cooked, laundry done and lots of little DIY jobs done by FIL. I love my ILs

Original poster

stoppinchingthedummy · 05/07/2011 18:36

Thanks all ...She is quite "young" in her mind i cant imagine she even thinks about it to be honest so maybe i will just say it casually after tea. We are not gaining finacially but she will give us about £20 to cover her lunch and tea the days she is here ..this week its all week. I wouldnt have thought about it had i not have had to clean her toothpaste spit from the sink this morning and make up the bed she is sleeping in [roll]

Thanks again

OP posts:

PomBearEnvy · 05/07/2011 18:56

at cleaning the bathroom after her. You should mention this to her, shes nearly an adult and thats not really on, although I presume she just is just ignorant to that fact you are cleaning up after her rather than expecting it?

Personally, I wouldn't be expecting her to do any chores that would have existed anyway if she was not staying (Cleaning up after the kids, cooking meals blah blah blah,) But its not on if she is creating more jobs for you. Good manners would suggest that if someone cooks you tea, you at least offer to help with the dishes, but if she hasn't offered I wouldn't consider it unreasonable to politely ask her to help!

Oh and why are you making her bed for her? If shes in a spare room shut the door and forget about it, if she is in an area other people can see, tell her (nicely) you expect would appreciate her to leave the area tidy and the bed made.

unfitmother · 05/07/2011 19:36

YANBU but at her age she may not realise what needs to be done.

Original poster

stoppinchingthedummy · 05/07/2011 20:12

No i would never expect her to cook or clean up after the kids ,or even look after them at all just to clear up after herself would be good ...she isnt well tonight so has gone to bed already ...maybe doesnt want to do the dishes

OP posts:

HelloKlitty · 05/07/2011 20:15

Oh God I had this with my neice! She stayed for three weeks, at collosal amounts of food and sat on her arse all day and night! Then when I borrowed a dress from her for an interview, and never posted it back immediately she phoned her Mum and told on me!

It was a bit of a rubbish cheap one and I forgot!

clam · 05/07/2011 20:17

Had you already asked her to do them before she decided to go to bed early?

Original poster

stoppinchingthedummy · 06/07/2011 19:29

No i hadnt clam i was joking ..like she was psycic lol ...I just need to be firmer i think :)

OP posts:

northerngirl41 · 06/07/2011 20:39

We have sort of a revolving door of guests who more or less treat the place like a free hotel.... My policy on this is very clear: they are never ever asked to do anything which I'd be doing anyway but they are asked to help out with the extra work they cause like changing sheets/maybe helping carry some of the shopping in/washing up. They get asked nicely to help and mostly they all willingly do it, even if it's not to my standards!!

That's all you can ask really. If she's only staying for a couple of evenings a week the line between being a guest and you doing her a favour is a little blurry. If it was an ongoing arrangement I'd more or less leave her room however she leaves it, and only ask her to tidy up if I had someone else using it when she's not there.

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