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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to end this 'friendship'?

22 replies

hellospoon · 05/07/2011 11:07

I met a lovely lady through where I used to work, we started at the same time and got on really well. I found out 2 months into working there that I was pregnant with dd, we would spend a lot of time together and I was very happy to finally have a true friend.

Then things started to change, when I had dd she came to see us a few times and I would meet her on her lunch, I even asked her to be dd's god parent. Anyways things fizzled out and I would never get a reply from her by text or she wouldn't call me back when I tried to arrange anything yet on facebook she was always putting status updates about meeting up with other friends and going out on the piss etc.

In january I had a nervous breakdown, she text me once and when I asked her to meet up she said she had housework to do, and then other excuses like her dp wouldn't let her or she didn't have time, yet was still seeing and making time for other friends.

About 2 months ago she asked if I would join a gym with her, I want to loose weight so said yea, we joined up and I wanted to go 3 times a week to get our moneys worth, she only wanted to go once a week and it had to fit around her dp. A few weeks in I got a new job and had to tell her I couldn't go to the gym anymore she was pissed off and blamed me for making her join (she asked me)

I am waffling a bit. I am so fed up of her putting me off and never making anytime for me yet she has time for everyone else? Aibu?

OP posts:

Threaders · 05/07/2011 11:11

No, YANBU

Tchootnika · 05/07/2011 11:13

Er, no, but she sounds exceptionally unaware of other people - in it's self not a crime, but obv needs to be weighed up with better qualities.
Do you explain to her that you'd appreciate her being a bit less flakey/one sided in her approach, or do you just stay silent?
If it's the second, then perhaps you need to spell things out for her (if she's worth the effort). The extent to which some people can completely fail to see aspects of other people's lives, even though it's right in front of their eyes can be, IMO, astounding.

pjmama · 05/07/2011 11:13

YANBU. Life is too short to waste on people who make you feel bad.

wrongdecade · 05/07/2011 11:14

I would cut your losses

spanky2 · 05/07/2011 11:15

I have a fair weather 'friend'. Let her go and live her life without you. You deserve someone more thoughtful.

spanky2 · 05/07/2011 11:18

I spelt it out to my 'friend' how one sided the relationship was and she had no idea what I was talking about. Get on with your life and make new friends. I was really upset about it.

SoloAgainItSeems · 05/07/2011 11:18

YANBU, but she doesn't sound like she's worth wasting any more time on tbf.

How old is your Dd now? have you not had the opportunity to meet any other Mum's through having her?
I met a couple of women through having my Ds in 1998, but as it happened, they excluded me and then completely blanked me after about a year... however! after having Dd in '04, I met two really lovely, genuine people, who are very good friends to me. I still don't get included in everything but I think that's more to do with me being single, and them doing couple type things, but they really are my friends and I know they feel the same about me :) so I would say to you...try to get involved in something through your Dd and meet people that way as you immediately have something in common. Join the PTA if your Dd is at school. Keep smiling; apparently, people are drawn to smiling faces :)

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 05/07/2011 11:40

YANBU - kick her to the curb!! Life is too short for one way friendships.

buzzsore · 05/07/2011 11:46

Um, I don't think she likes you that much.

Original poster

hellospoon · 05/07/2011 12:27

Thanks buzzsore, luckily I'm intelligent enough to work that out really appreciate the helpful input there .

I have said to her in the past how she seems to put me on a side and she seems to think it is ok, she says that if I was a real friend I would always be on the end of the phone and not care about seeing each other.

solo I know a few people through groups but I find it hard to click with people, I guess I am not very likeable?

OP posts:

Original poster

hellospoon · 05/07/2011 12:27

Thanks buzzsore, luckily I'm intelligent enough to work that out really appreciate the helpful input there .

solo I know a few people through groups but I find it hard to click with people, I guess I am not very likeable?

OP posts:

ThatllDoPig · 05/07/2011 12:30

Life's too short for spending time with people who make you feel crap, unless you absolutely have to. Let her go. YANUB

Olivetti · 05/07/2011 12:33

Don't say you are not very likeable! I'm sure that's not the case. I find it quite hard to click with people in groups as well, it all feels a bit artificial to me. I've got a lot of friends, but they are people I've bonded with over the course of my lifetime - school, college, workplaces etc, rather than mums' groups, where I have made one friend out of about 17 people.
You sound like this has really upset you, but some people are just fickle and/or selfish. I think you sound nice!

Olivetti · 05/07/2011 12:34

buzzsore, that's right, be nasty to someone who is upset about something and asking for advice.

Original poster

hellospoon · 05/07/2011 12:59

Thanks olivetti! I find it quite difficult to make friends as I never really know what to say, sometimes I may say the wrong thing!

Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier not having mates and just sticking to dp and my family, but that's no life is it really?

OP posts:

Original poster

hellospoon · 05/07/2011 12:59

Thanks olivetti! I find it quite difficult to make friends as I never really know what to say, sometimes I may say the wrong thing!

Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier not having mates and just sticking to dp and my family, but that's no life is it really?

OP posts:

Tchootnika · 05/07/2011 13:07

hellospoon -
I hope it isn't out of order to say this, but it seems as if you're maybe just too nice, and don't let on to friends about stresses in your own life - which can make you a great easygoing friend, but quite susceptible to being fair game for quite selfish people. (Also, your saying that you lack confidence backs this up.)
IMO, it's a bit extreme to abandon this friend - unless there's a lot else wrong with her - but it does seem as if you need to be more assertive (i.e. less 'considerate'?) in terms of making clear your own needs.
If she's so reliant on you re. e.g. gym-going, then surely she must value you quite highly as a friend?
... in which case, you've got more leverage than you realise. (Couldn't think of better word than leverage - sorry.)

Original poster

hellospoon · 05/07/2011 13:30

tchoonika thank you for your response, I do tend to be a yes person if that makes any sense?

While I have been sat thinking about it, I am the only one she knows who could pick her up and take her to the gym really, so wonder if that had anything to do with it?

So, do you think I need to be more assertive? And not allow these things to happen, how do I do that?

OP posts:

Original poster

hellospoon · 05/07/2011 13:30

tchoonika thank you for your response, I do tend to be a yes person if that makes any sense?

While I have been sat thinking about it, I am the only one she knows who could pick her up and take her to the gym really, so wonder if that had anything to do with it?

So, do you think I need to be more assertive? And not allow these things to happen, how do I do that?

OP posts:

sausagesandmarmelade · 05/07/2011 14:35

I think that once in a while it can't hurt to assess your friendships....

I would definitely let this one go. You deserve more.

Further down the line she will realise what she had lost (I am sure) ..but it will be too late then.

Take time to find and make new quality friends..with people who genuinely care about you.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 05/07/2011 14:41

Of course YANBU. I would also hesitate to use texts and facebook for communication. Actual real life speaking is the best form of communication.

Tchootnika · 05/07/2011 14:46

hellospoon
You maybe need to consider what you would have said already to the point that when you're next in contact, it starts to come more naturally to you - and if in doubt, take the risk of being a little harsh, rather than reining it in. (It doesn't sound as if you're going to exceed her limits for tact and sensitivity, IYSWIM, and if you really go too far, you can always apologise - after due consideration, of course...)
Re. e.g. you being only person to ferry her to and from gym, again, I think you should have a dispassionate think about it: from here it looks as if no reasonable person would join a gym on the condition that someone else does this for them. - It looks as if you're taking responsibility for her decisions... no?

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