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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let her decide?

27 replies

Birdsgottafly · 03/07/2011 20:50

My youngest DD is nearly 14. She has moderate LD's (this only matters because she doesn't always have friends that she can see on a weekend).

She lives on her laptop (likes manga and japanese animie), goes horseriding, walks the dog with me (reluctantly) and attends two clubs. I would like her to get out more but when i had lots organised she was very vocal about not being happy (and she wasn't), so we have reached a balance.

I love camping. We go whenever we can. If we cannot horseride because of the weather she doesn't really enjoy it. I have found two sites that have WIFI and will suit everyone's needs, for this summer. She is now saying that it is the whole experience that she doesn't enjoy. She could stay (and has done) with my DM or eldest DD (26) who she loves and they love her (and will cater for her needs). She will probably live with me until her twenties if not always. My middle DD is 16 and i let her decide for herself (she doesn't tend to come with us).

AIBU to let her stay with family or should i force her to come?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 03/07/2011 20:53

I would say let her decide for herself just on what you've said.

Is there any reason you'd prefer her to come with you?

ilovesooty · 03/07/2011 20:54

I'd let her decide, if she has somewhere safe to go as an alternative.

oohjarWhatsit · 03/07/2011 20:54

let her choose
nothing worse than a miserable teenager

youarekidding · 03/07/2011 20:58

I would let her choose if she has somewhere safe.

I know some children with LD aren't given much choice in their lives and she'll respect you for this.

Enjoy your holiday

BluddyMoFo · 03/07/2011 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purplepidjin · 03/07/2011 21:04

YANBU - she is capable of making a choice, you are her advocate, so let her choose it.

Plus you'll have a much nicer holiday without the stroppy teen Wink

DoMeDon · 03/07/2011 21:05

Agree she would appreciate being able to make a decision. Having said that I insisted I hated most things at that age and was forced to do lots of things I ended up REALLY enjoying. You know her best, don't force her for sake of it though.

AgentZigzag · 03/07/2011 21:06

On closer reflection, my answer might be based on my hatred of camping Grin

Original poster
Birdsgottafly · 03/07/2011 21:11

I am reluctant to leave her because i feel as though i am abandoning her for my own wants. I will make her come when i know that we are going to have dry weather and can definatly ride or pony trek, which makes her holiday as we are riding either through the forest or by farm animals and rabbits.

My eldest is very independant and says i gave her the life skills that she needed by what i think some would say was lax parenting in terms of how much responsibility that she had, i am a working LP (widowed). My middle DD is very mature and sensible for her age and has lots of babysitting work organised for summer, she has done her NVQ 2 childcare as an add on to her studies.

I question my balance of promoting independance in my youngest with me just being selfish and happy for her not to be with me.

OP posts:
TheArmadillo · 03/07/2011 21:12

I would let her decide if you let her older sister do so. I appreciate there are differences between the 2 but if you have family who are happy to look after her then I can't see the problem (apart from missing her obv).

TheArmadillo · 03/07/2011 21:15

If you give her the choice though you are not saying 'I want a holiday to myself - don't come' you are giving her the choice to decide what she wants. If that turns out to give you some selfish time as well then its a win/win - you both get what you want.

Don't beat yourself up over it

greycircles · 03/07/2011 21:16

Is it possible to do a holiday that she would enjoy? If not, then I would think it's fine for her to stay with your DM or eldest DD.

Original poster
Birdsgottafly · 03/07/2011 21:19

She is the most placid child on the planet. When she has had a bit of a strop lately i have been pleased because it takes away my fear of her vunerability, i know that she is capable of putting her foot down, when she wants to.

She is, and has been, a walk in the park compared to my other two, so i question myself when it comes to her.

OP posts:
youarekidding · 03/07/2011 21:20

Let her chose. When I was 14yo my mum wouldn't take me when camping in UK, as dad didn't go and she would take my youger bro and sis.

It pissed me right off as I had no choice.

worraliberty · 03/07/2011 21:26

I think generally 14 is an age where they no longer really want to go on holiday with Mum and Dad unless it's to somewhere spectacular.

We used to go on a 2wk caravan holiday and from the age of 12 I refused to go unless I could invite my best friend.

Quite what I would have done if they'd said no, is anyone's guess Blush

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 03/07/2011 21:31

You've got no need to question yourself so please don't beat yourself up.

Giving her the power to decide will be a win-win situation for both of you - to say nothing of the lovely reunion you'll have at the end of your holiday if she chooses to stay 'at home' with your dm or dd.

Original poster
Birdsgottafly · 03/07/2011 21:38

Greys- we try to go abroad but this year it has been difficult getting time off in the school holidays. She enjoys it when we are gauranteed riding weather. She loved Eygpt, camel riding, snorkeling and shopping as well as the culture change, last year. She has always been fascinated with Japanese culture and i am taking her to Hong Kong for her 18 and planning a elephant riding (humane), culture holiday in the far east in the future.

We have video nights in with popcorn together. But because she has speech and language problems i want her to develop confidence in the outside world, which she will not do, on her laptop.

OP posts:
Original poster
Birdsgottafly · 03/07/2011 21:41

Her best friend, is a year younger and has extensive care needs (my DD is in SEN) so her DM is unwilling to let her come away, yet, understandably, but may do next year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Birdsgottafly · 03/07/2011 22:40

Thanks for the replies, i will let her decide, but will talk through the reasons why she doesn't want to go, to make sure they carn't be changed.

OP posts:
purplepidjin · 04/07/2011 07:20

"I question my balance of promoting independance in my youngest with me just being selfish and happy for her not to be with me."

You're not being selfish. You need respite too - if she chooses to spend time away with her sis or gran, that's her choice of holiday. You are going on your choice of holiday. You are allowed a break!

itisnearlysummer · 04/07/2011 09:03

What purplepidjin said.

It's not being selfish, it's ensuring you both have the holiday you need.

Which decision is in her best interests? If she stays with your mum you'll both have a great holiday and look forward to seeing each other at the end of it.

Perhaps suggest some time limits for the laptop when she's with your Mum.

Original poster
Birdsgottafly · 04/07/2011 09:26

Both her and my mum enjoys going round the shops, so they have a good day out together and then settle down for the night watching science fiction or age appropriate vampire films, my mum will also watch animie, especially anything super natural or science fiction with her. My eldest pays her to help her in the garden or doing the housework, she and her partner work long hours so always has plenty to catch up on, so my youngest is quite happy to help as she has two bank accounts, one for general use and one for Hong Kong. They both live close by so she can come home during the day to see her cat.

OP posts:
TheHumanCatapult · 04/07/2011 09:34

I would say since you know she is well looked after and will be happy , go away and enjoy yourself and relax nowing dd is doing what she likes

purplepidjin · 04/07/2011 09:36

That sounds like a very relaxing way to spend time Smile

Many people with learning difficulties find busy places like school very stressful. She's old enough and articulate enough to recognise what she needs to help her cope, allowing her to do that is supportive not bad parenting - banish that guilt Wink

MayorNaze · 04/07/2011 09:38

yes let her choose

you are demonstrating that you respect her ability to make reasonable decisions about herself and how she spends her time :) a big thing for all teenagers, not just ones with LD :)