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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told a white lie to dp

32 replies

charliejosh · 27/06/2011 10:15

I asked DP if i should take thursday off work for the school strike instead of sending ds to the ex mil's and he thinks I should save my holidays if I can and take advantage of the ex mil's offer......I have booked thursday off anyway and told him the ex mil is working that day.

I just want a whole day with ds, without step dd's and dp around - it never happens and he goes to his dads every weekend so aibu to be taking full advantage and telling a white lie?

OP posts:
Cocoflower · 27/06/2011 10:18

YANBU

But it's a shame you can't just be open about the facts as you aren't doing anything wrong at all!

mumblechum1 · 27/06/2011 10:20

I wouldn't have asked my dh.

bubblecoral · 27/06/2011 10:22

I would have just told my dh what I was doing, but then he would never object in the way that your dh has.

If lying is what you had to do in this case then YANBU to do it, but it's sad that you have to.

sausagesandmarmelade · 27/06/2011 10:27

Yes...you should be able to just say what you would rather do....and do it!

SheCutOffTheirTails · 27/06/2011 10:29

YABU

I would never use up valuable, scarce annual leave without DH's agreement.

And making out that by preferring you take up an offer that would preserve AL means you were forced to lie is self-justifying bullshit.

Why didn't you just tell him you wanted a day with your son and not his daughters if it's so reasonable?

Also, this is not a "white lie", it's just a lie. A white lie is "Norbert? What a lovely name!".

Original poster
charliejosh · 27/06/2011 10:30

I dont have to lie, he wouldn't 'stop' me using my holidays or doing anything for that matter, but sometimes his opinions are so loudly voiced that its just easier to fib and have a quiet life...

OP posts:
ShatnersBassoon · 27/06/2011 10:35

YABU to lie about something so inconsequential. What's wrong with just wanting a day off?

tribpot · 27/06/2011 10:40

His opinion about what, in this case?

The only risk you run is if he finds out somehow that ex-MIL isn't working that day.

Seems a shame you get so little time alone with your ds.

AnyFucker · 27/06/2011 11:23

oh dear

it's easier to "fib" so you don't get a hard time ?

you should be doing what you please with your own ds and annual leave, and he should STFU

JanMorrow · 27/06/2011 11:31

In my house it would have been "I'm taking the day off on Thursday". End of discussion!

AnyFucker · 27/06/2011 11:35

same here

it wouldn't even be a question in my, or his, mind

ivykaty44 · 27/06/2011 11:36

what happens if he lies to you and you find out - does it matter? If not then fine as long as you both know that in the relationship you are both allowed to tell white lies and that is ok between you.

CurrySpice · 27/06/2011 11:37

I have no idea vwhy you should have to ask tbh

But having got to that point, I have no idea why you should lie either. Surely "I fancied a day just me and DS" is just fine too?

aldiwhore · 27/06/2011 11:40

You asked him what he thought and he told you, you've then put yourself in the position of telling a white lie to save face lol... I do it all the time, but I am trying NOT to ask DH what he thinks about anything in case I don't get the answer I want and feel obliged to either follow his advice or lie. His opinions are valid and he's often more logical than me, but I prefer his input in retrospect.

I think you knew what you wanted, but (like me) wanted someone else to confirm it... only he didn't! YABU, and YANBU because I'm glad I'm not the only person who does this.

Have a lovely day off. :)

SarahBumBarer · 27/06/2011 11:44

Actually I don't think that SCOTT expressed herself very nicely but she does have a point. Annual leave is precious time and I would definitely discuss the use of it with my husband (and he with me) as we like to try to maximise time spent together and do so in a productive way - certainly I would not lay down the law and tell him to STFU about it. But then again I would not have to as he is a nice man who would certainly take into account my need to spend quality time with DS.

There is being independent and then there is being inconsiderate and oafish.

OP YABU in my view. "Anythng for quiet life" is no basis for a marriage. Do you pick your battles or do you just avoid them at all costs?

SheCutOffTheirTails · 27/06/2011 13:20

"sometimes his opinions are so loudly voiced that its just easier to fib and have a quiet life..."

I'm glad I'm not married to someone as disrespectful and horrible as you.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 27/06/2011 13:31

Next time your dp's opinions are 'loudly voiced' ask him to turn the volume down, or reach for a pair of earplugs.

Have a lovely day with your ds - take him somewhere special and share some precious time together.

stubbornhubby · 27/06/2011 13:37

from the perpective of a DH (or at least this DH) : you shouldn't ask his opinions/permission when you don't need them, it's tiresome and actually causes conflict.

This example is a perfect one.

  • if you said to me 'DS is going to MIL' I'd say "good idea"
  • if you say to me 'I'm taking the day off to really enjoy a day with DS' I'd say 'good idea, enjoy yourself!'

But if you say 'do you think I should do A or B' and I give it some thought and say "I think A" and then you say "yah -boo I'll do B anyway" then I would see this as tiresome and confrontational.

mrsbiscuits · 27/06/2011 13:38

Yep Im with Mumblechum1 I wouldn't have "asked" I would have decided and then told my DH what I was doing. We set aside holiday at the beginning of the year to have together and the rest is mine to do what I want with. YANBU to have told a fib, for a quiet life, but I wonder why you put up with someone you feel you have to fib to.

stubbornhubby · 27/06/2011 13:49

and - continuing - if you say 'Shall I do A or B" and I say, after soem thought "A" and you tell me "I will do A then", but actually do B, I would find that very perplexing.

meltedchocolate · 27/06/2011 14:12

YABU.
He gave you his opinion. You lied. It's not like you couldn't have said 'well I think I am just going to anyway, I want the time with DS' Why do people think it is OK to lie? Why do people think it is wrong for partners to have opinions? Weird.

meltedchocolate · 27/06/2011 14:14

Ooo stubbornhuby is so right.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/06/2011 14:20

stubbornhubby fair point.

Recent discussion in our house
Me - its ds1 sports day on Thurs I've taken the day off, are you coming too (DH is a SAHD).
DH - OK then, I'll probably come too.

Note the lack of discussion or permission being asked. Whilst you wouldn't book a week off without discussing it I think it is perfectly reasonable (and lovely) to have a mother and son day.

toomuchwine13 · 27/06/2011 14:38

Are you for real Shecutofftheirtails?

I think you are the one who sounds horrible. Hmm

fedupofnamechanging · 27/06/2011 15:10

I too would have just said what I wanted/intended to do. You don't need to justify wanting some time on your own with your child. if he finds out you lied, just say you didn't want to hurt his feelings about wanting time just with your child and not your step children.

The thing with not being honest about your reasons is that you are likely to get asked to look after SDD anyway, because you are at home and their school is likely to be shut.

In your place, I would say to DP that you've thought about it some more and would like to spend the day just with your son. Any man who minds is not worth worrying about.