Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

AIBU not go to the funeral? Bit long.

24 replies

Cantstopshouting · 26/06/2011 21:59

My friend L's DN died yesterday. She was only 6 months old .

I have only met L's sister 3 times and she doesn't really like me. I had never met L's DN or her BIL as they live an hour an a half drive away.

I went to university with L and then she moved back home. We've kept in touch but I don't really know her family.

AIBU to not go to my friends DN's funeral. I would have to drive a 3 hr round trip with 2 DC (3 and 5) and considering her DSis doesn't really know me or like me (she doesn't like me even though she doesn't know me ).

I would have thought my friends sister wouldn't like to have near strangers at her child's funeral but DH says I should go- even though he can't take time off to look after the DC so I'd have to take them.

OP posts:

RabidRabbit · 26/06/2011 22:01

No, I wouldn't go in your situation. I'd just send some flowers and a card offering your sympathies.

MsHighwater · 26/06/2011 22:01

No. In that kind of situation, I don't think I would go. Why does your dh think you should go?

worraliberty · 26/06/2011 22:02

Does your friend really need you there and how old are your DCs?

WriterofDreams · 26/06/2011 22:02

Why not ask your friend whether she wants you there or not?

Original poster

Cantstopshouting · 26/06/2011 22:04

DC are 3 and 5. I suppose maybe my friend would like me there but I don't know how much use I'd be with the DC.

OP posts:

elphabadefiesgravity · 26/06/2011 22:05

No, you are not a close friend or family member of the bereaved family. Send a card and donation. Poor poor family.

RabidRabbit · 26/06/2011 22:06

Don't go if it means taking the DC, a babies funeral isn't really the best place for them to be imo. Explain the situation to your friend, I'm sure she'll understand. Make sure you tell her you're a phone call away should she need you.

WriterofDreams · 26/06/2011 22:06

You don't need to be of any use, you go to funerals to show your support and to be a friendly face. I think I'm biased on this one because I'm from Ireland where it's the norm to go to funerals even if you're not very friendly with the family.

Original poster

Cantstopshouting · 26/06/2011 22:06

Writerifdreams I didn't think to ask TBH.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cantstopshouting · 26/06/2011 22:07

That's a good point too Writerofdreams.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 26/06/2011 22:09

No I wouldn't go.

It's not up to your friend IMO, it's up to her sister. And as she doesn't like you it's not appropriate to attend.

Nanny0gg · 26/06/2011 22:11

If the baby's mother doesn't really like you, do you really need to go? It might cause an upset, which would be the last thing you'd want.
Why is it even an option? Has your friend asked you to go?

bubblecoral · 26/06/2011 22:13

If you don't get on with the parents, I don't really understand what make you think you should go?

Even more so if you would have to take children with you, i think that would be spectacularly insensitive.

Why does your dh think you should go?

Original poster

Cantstopshouting · 26/06/2011 22:18

It's not that she hates me. My being there wouldn't cause upset. She doesn't really know me and she's gotten the wrong impression of me I think.

I think I am right not to go though.

Thanks for all your replies.

OP posts:

misty0 · 26/06/2011 22:45

If you go - please don't take the children. For their sake and for the sake of the mother of the baby that has died

Especially if it was her first/only child.

takethisonehereforastart · 27/06/2011 00:24

We have lost two of our three children, our first son to stillbirth, then our daughter neonatally because she was very premature.

I would not have been at all impressed if my brother had invited a friend of his and their children to either funeral when I hardly knew that friend and didn't much like them.

Grief is so difficult and personal, even the most well meaning gesture or action can be hurtful to the people at the heart of it, especially if the existing relationship is not good. If someone I didn't like had come to either of my childrens funerals I would have been more likely to think they were there to be nosy than there to offer support. I know that would be unfair to you but grief often makes people react badly and behave unreasonably.

If you think it is appropriate, send flowers and a card to the baby's parents and perhaps a card to your friend to say you are sorry for the loss her family has suffered and offering your support, saying you will be thinking of her on the day.

But I would really advise against going even for your friends sake.

biscuitmad · 27/06/2011 00:44

No I wouldnt go. Its not the place to take small children to. I would find out were they are gathering before the funeral, then send flowers from you all.

ninedragons · 27/06/2011 00:46

I think it would be very inconsiderate if you went - you would intrude on the parents' grief. Stay away and give them space.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 27/06/2011 01:41

Your dh is BU and out of order; there is something distinctly ghoulish about uninvited 'spectators' attending any funeral, let alone the intensely emotive funeral of a dearly loved child.

Unless you have been specifically invited by the parents it would be inappropriate for you to attend and, even if an invitation is forthcoming, it would be completely inappropriate for you to take your small dcs to this particular funeral.

As takethis has advised, send a pretty floral tribute (ask your friend to provide the name and address of the funeral directors) to arrive on the day and, and as a matter of courtesy, send a separate bereavement card to the parents within a few days of the event and another to your friend.

If you should wish to redress any dislike your friend's sister may feel towards you, send a card on the anniversity of her baby's death for the foreseeable future to show that you are not unmindful of her loss.

ninedragons · 27/06/2011 01:45

I agree, it would be ghoulish.

Justified or not, the mother of the baby doesn't like you. You shouldn't be there on the very worst day of her life.

darksideofthemooncup · 27/06/2011 01:50

I wouldn't go. My friend lost her 5 month old DS recently and she felt very resentful towards the people that turned up (that she felt didn't know her or her ds) ate all the food and drank all the drink. I am not saying that you would do this OP, but that was how she viewed it. I think flowers or a donation and a bereavement card to the parents would be the right thing to do.

iscream · 27/06/2011 07:10

Trust your instincts. A thoughtful card would be nice I think. If I were the bereaved mother I would only want close family and bf's there. You are very kind to be considering going though.

ZonkedOut · 27/06/2011 07:24

I wouldn't go. In fact, I would think it a bit unreasonable TO go in the circumstances, unless your friend particularly asked you to.

northerngirl41 · 27/06/2011 10:05

Could you offer to look after any other children/pets for L or let people in for the wake or some other non funeral task? I'm just thinking that sometimes it's useful to have someone with a bit of distance to be able to do these things?

Flip