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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DP and his friends

23 replies

NoOtherNameAvailable · 20/06/2011 16:04

Namechanger (why dont we have an emoticon for this?)

My DP are together for over 10 years, met quite young, both in our early thirties. We have mutual friends in the pub, couple friends, seperate friends, work friends, however there is a group of young people who now frequent the pub we do and my DP is great buds with them.

They are all 18, 19. He is 34. Just saw on FB he has been tagged in a pic which shows him in someones house after the pub. I know he was there(thats not the issue) but the pictures show a grown up with a load of kids essentially..

I do have a problem with him palling around with them I will admit. I think he is too old(and not old in the sense of being over the hill but in comparison to the friends IYKWIM) I dont know that Im making sense here...I dont want to tell him he cant hang around with these people(who are ok, they are far too fond or drink and recreational drugs which we are not). I just think, he has a family, he shouldnt be off gallivanting with the young ones but if I say it Ill just look like a nag...
AIBU to say something?(perfectly happy to hear that I am and wont sulk )

OP posts:

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 20/06/2011 16:07

Yes YABU unless he is spending all his time with them and spending more money than the household budget can spare. It's a very depressing mundane mindset that all your friends have to be Just Like you and behave in appropriate ways for their age - people get a lot more out of having a range of friends than only ever hanging out with those who are the same age/class/in a nice heterosexual couple who can all talk about their fucking greenhouses and savings and whateverthefuck mundanes talk about...

AuntieMonica · 20/06/2011 16:08

YABU

he's prob enjoying the 'big brother' element as well as having a few laughs with people who are not 'bogged down' with responsibilities?

unless it interferes with your own home life, what does it matter how old his friends are? are you frightened he'll get into drugs/drinking? these are around whether his friends are 16 or 106!

WhoAteMySnickers · 20/06/2011 16:09

If it's all about their age, which it seems it is, then YABU.

Original poster

NoOtherNameAvailable · 20/06/2011 16:13

Well is that it then?Jealously maybe that he isnt bogged down by responsibilities (and seing him in these pics surrounding by young girls -though v innocent-seems to have stirred some monster awake maybe)

I would say though that Im not saying that our friends are all smug-marrieds and so are we. In fact we rarely socialize together as I like a night dancing and he prefers the local pub. Im just unsettled I guess and I dont know why

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/06/2011 16:20

OP, I'll buck the trend and say YANBU. I would be similarly unsettled in this situation.

Because let's face it mostly we are friends with people like ourselves, similar tastes in how we spend our time etc., and if we are not 'birds of a feather' there is usually an strong and identifiable reason (e.g. shared history). In thisscenario, I'd be asking myself if my DH were having a mid-life crisis, wanting to enjoy the lifestyle he had when he was 18/19 again. And also wondering if he was making a bloody fool of himself too (not with young girls, just by seeming to be a bit 'desperate' to fit in IYSWIM).

I'd be hard-pushed not to make a few cracks about 'granddad' or 'play nice with the other children'.

jeckadeck · 20/06/2011 16:24

I think YANBU to think it inwardly -- I would also think it a bit weird. But its very tricky because you can't really expect to police who your partner hangs out with. Unless he's spending so much time that its impinging on family life or he's doing dodgy things with them I'd just keep it to yourself, unfortunately.

revolutionscoop · 20/06/2011 16:28

Have you posted about this before? I'm sure I remember a similar thread recently? Just curious, was probably someone else.

WhoAteMySnickers · 20/06/2011 16:30

I remember a similar thread too. Is your DP a restaurant manager? And you're expecting a baby soon?

Original poster

NoOtherNameAvailable · 20/06/2011 16:30

No revolution not posted this before.In fact it would be quite rare for me to post on him, not that he is perfect but that I never had cause to post about him.

OP posts:

Original poster

NoOtherNameAvailable · 20/06/2011 16:31

Oh hell no thats definately not me, I have one DS no more thank you!

OP posts:

Pumpernickel10 · 20/06/2011 16:32

If hes spending all his time and energy on them then yes YANBU but if he only sees them occasionally YABU

Pumpernickel10 · 20/06/2011 16:33

Are they boy racers???

revolutionscoop · 20/06/2011 16:36

whoatemysnickers that's exactly the one I was thinking of! Sorry op, just curious as the situation sounded similar :)

No advice re this really, but YANBU, I'd be pretty bemused if my DH started socialising with teenagers, too. What do they have in common? Has he told you what he likes about them?

Original poster

NoOtherNameAvailable · 20/06/2011 16:37

Ha no, nothing like that pumpernickel10 Just pub buddies.....

So general concensus IABU and when he comes home from work I shouldnt say anything because I being a right mardy arse who got the hump because I am growing old resentfully?

OP posts:

Pumpernickel10 · 20/06/2011 16:39

I can see both points here,hes reconnecting with his youth and you think he should grow up and find friends his own age. The 18 and 19 yr olds I know are all childish idiots so I can see your point.

Original poster

NoOtherNameAvailable · 20/06/2011 16:44

revolution He thinks they are great fun, Ive been to the pub with them and they are fun, but exhausting (like puppies!) Their life is different to ours, no kids, no jobs(not that you could get one here), always in the pub.

On a more serious note, there is a high suicide rate where we live and a lot of them have killed themselves in the past few months. My DP is one of those who talks to everyone and everyone talks to him and the girls of the group confide in him, one told him of her self harm recently. All the girls without exception are treated horribly by their boyfriends, at the very least there is emotional abuse. I dont want DP involved in that which I said to him the last time when the girl told him of the self harm. He says if someone tells you things like that you have to listen which is comendable I suppose....

They arent bad kids but they are kids....I find it all too "highschool drama" for a man with a kid who has a full time job and a mortgage to pay (jesus I sound like a right bitch)

OP posts:

NettoSuperstar · 20/06/2011 16:45

Does he have issues with getting older?
Is he trying to cling onto his youth?

YABU, though I can see where you are coming from.

A couple of years back, I worked with someone who was 18, no cares in the world, out having fun all the time. We got on really well and I'd have loved to go on a night out with her, and for us to be friends but I held back as something wasn't right about it.
Eventually, I realised it was me imagining I was her age again, and wanting to be like that, when in fact, I was a mother, a single one at that and it was inappropriate to forge the friendship I'd wanted.

We carried on having a laugh at work, but I left it at that.

Could your DH being feeling the way I was?

carabos · 20/06/2011 16:47

DH and I are both 48. We are friends with two couples who are both in their sixties - which is the same sort of age gap as your DP and his friends. YABU.

JamieAgain · 20/06/2011 16:48

I would wonder what's driving a sudden change, and call me cynical, but I'd be wondering about drugs or him responding to a lot of female attention, and getting himself into a position where he can tell himself your life together is simply a bit "mundane". OTOH, there's not much you can do about that, until/unless it gets to a point where it is affecting your family life. You have to trust him.

I agree with WhereYouLeftIt

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/06/2011 16:49

But carabos, your lifestyle is probably not significantly different to that of your older friends. So even though there is an age difference, you are likely to still be 'birds of a feather'?

EverythingInMiniature · 20/06/2011 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JamieAgain · 20/06/2011 16:51

X post with you OP. It sounds like he's seen as a wise confidante, which might feel nice for him

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 20/06/2011 23:07

OP, where do you go dancing? If you mean you go to a line dancing/salsa dancing/ballroom dancing class fair enough, if you mean you go clubbing then it's very pot-and-kettle.

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