To not include my father in this invitation?

[LessonsinL]

As previously posted, my father has terminal cancer and like most cancer patients, has good days and bad days. I have just completed my MA, and as part of the experience, have been chosen to perform in front of the whole university this Sunday.

I have told my mother about it but not my dad. I was just discussing purchasing tickets quietly with her, and she said "well what about him?". And to be utterly frank, I do not want my final performance in front of my peers to be spent worrying about him possibly collapsing (as has happened before), violently losing his temper in the venue (as has happened before) and not being able to last the entire performance as there are no seating arrangements. It's 3 hours long and I really don't think he's up to it.

She seemed to think I was being unreasonable. I think I'm being practical, given the circumstances. What say you, Mumsnet?

They dont expect people to stand for 3 hours do they? Surely there are some facilities for disabled people.

Would it be possible to agree with your Mum that he comes just to see your performance rather than the whole thing?

I think you are being practical, but I also think it's a terrible shame for your dad to miss this, and you may look back and be really upset you excluded him. So I do see what your mum means.

Can you work around this at all?

Can your mum or a friend take a camcorder and he can watch it from home?

What a sad dilemma for you :( Would it work to say to him "this is what it'd be like, I'm not sure it would be comfortable for you, what do you think?" or is that not an option?

Are you worried about his health or his behaviour?

I wouldn't want to exclude someone on health grounds - you could ask him if he felt up to it, arrange borrowing a wheelchair, have someone there to look after him, etc.

But if he is likely to violently lose his temper in public then I wouldn't want to invite him, cancer or no cancer.

More worried about his behaviour if I'm entirely honest. He starts swearing in public if something has annoyed him, but I mean really loud offensive swearing. And also very concerned that he won't be able to sit down if he needs to, or be able to lie down if he has to. We'll be about an hours drive away from home too. And on a totally selfish note, this is "my" night :)

Talk to the venue, see what options they have in place to support your father being able to attend, Seat near the exit, flexibility to attend for just some of the performance etc etc.

Then talk to your parents about what they want, your Dad may not want to attend, your Mum may not be happy to be his carer & potentially miss some of the performance, they may be happy to just come for an hour etc etc.

I think YABU to not consider if some of these issues could be resolved.