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Original poster

Should we go to friend's wedding?

26 replies

sw25 · 07/06/2011 11:17

Our friends are getting married in Provence next month and we're having second thoughts about whether to go. Flights are far more expensive that we thought and once we've added car hire and accommodation, it's going to cost us over £1,000, which is a lot of money for us.

We're trying desperately to get out of debt at the moment too, which is another reason not to go. However, I feel bad because the couple in question came to our wedding in the UK and we initially accepted their invite months ago. However, they're not particularly close friends and the wedding is being held at a family home so us not turning up wouldn't impact the cost of their wedding significantly. What would you do and am I being mean spirited by cancelling with only a month to go? Advice appreciated!

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 07/06/2011 11:18

Just cancel, I would.

squeakytoy · 07/06/2011 11:19

If you cant afford to go, dont go.

People who get married abroad understand that finances prevent some guests from being able to attend, and if they are not even close friends, I really wouldnt worry about it.

Send them a card and a nice gift and just say you are really sorry but just cant afford to go. They will understand.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 07/06/2011 11:22

I'd cancel too.
IMO, people who get married away from their place of normal residence are pretty selfish. I understand if you actually live in Provence, but if you don't it is a bit much to expect friends and colleagues to spend money on top of a present.
We've had wedding invitations for Sri Lanka, Dominican republic and Barbados. The only one we went to was Sri Lanka because it was two hours flight from where we were living.

pingu2209 · 07/06/2011 11:24

People who get married abroad know that some guests won't go because of money. Explain you said yes when you thought you could afford it, but now realise you can't.

TrillianAstra · 07/06/2011 11:24

Cancel. You can't afford it and don't sound like you particularly want to go.

Tell them as soon as you can so as to minimise the financial consequences for them.

SenoritaViva · 07/06/2011 11:42

Sadly I think you'll need to cancel if it is that expensive.

There are a couple of other alternatives - can you drive? A ferry would be much cheaper plus saving on car hire. Also, trains are brilliant in France.

NestaFiesta · 07/06/2011 11:44

Yep, no shame is just saying you can't afford it. They may have come to yours but they also may have more money than you. If it causes you hardship and you are in debt, perfectly acceptable to send a pleasant apology with plenty of notice.

Bluemoonrising · 07/06/2011 12:49

Cancel. You can't afford it.

I'm not sure about this comment though "IMO, people who get married away from their place of normal residence are pretty selfish." What if they normally live in Australia, but are from the UK, and decide to get married there? A friend of mine did this recently. Most of their family would not have been able to attend otherwise. Odd comment, especially when it seems from the op that they came to the UK to the ops wedding, so maybe Provence is their normal place of residence?

PorkChopSter · 07/06/2011 12:51

If you are in debt, how would/will you pay?

ShoutyHamster · 07/06/2011 13:08

Cancel!! You could easily invent/exaggerate some particular financial crisis that now makes it impossible if that makes it easier for you to explain to them. But absolutely, don't get into more debt for one jolly, not if you're already worrying about it. That would be daft. Cancel and be merry :)

Hassled · 07/06/2011 13:11

Cancel. £1K is a hell of a lot to spend.

AliBaba40 · 07/06/2011 13:36

If you can do so without damaging the friendship, then cancel.

I recently turned down an invitation to a wedding of a good friend who I've known for years for similar reasons (also children weren't invited which made it extra complicated). I was as honest as I could be - I expressed my genuine regret and made it very clear that I wasn't criticising their decisions (eg. to not have children at the wedding). My friend was more understanding than I could possibly have hoped.

We hope to go and visit later in the year when the flights aren't so expensive, and when we'll be able take the kids with us. :)

iwanttoseethezoo · 07/06/2011 13:42

Cancel. You'd enjoy the wedding, but wish you hadn't gone when the bills come in... if they're not particularly good friends it's not worth making yourself worry about money.

Original poster
sw25 · 07/06/2011 13:45

Thanks all. The couple live in the UK and everyone is travelling out there, so no, they did not travel from France to come to our wedding. I'm hoping it won't damage our friendship, but you know how funny people can be about weddings. The only issue is that my husband doesn't like admitting to anyone that we've got financial problems so he wants to tell them he's been called away for an urgent work issue. I'd rather just be honest with them, but there you go. If we do go, it will mean putting everything on credit.

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 07/06/2011 13:46

cancel, you will regret it if you dont.

honeybehappy · 07/06/2011 13:48

Cancel, you can't afford it, IF they are real friends they will understand.

buzzsore · 07/06/2011 13:54

Don't go with your dh's excuse - it's rubbish! It doesn't give them time to sort arrangements and may cost them money.

Also, if I was them, I'd be offended if you chose to let an alleged work commitment of his stop you both coming. I wouldn't be offended by you not being able to scrape the money together and telling me a month or so in advance of the wedding.

AliBaba40 · 07/06/2011 14:08

I don't think you need to admit the extent of your financial problems if your DH would (understandably) prefer not to.

£1k is a lot for anyone to spend, especially in a recession, and particularly on what is - to be blunt and unromantic about it - a very short holiday taken at a time and in a place chosen by someone else! You can talk about 'tightening belts' or whatever without having to go into any detail. Either your friends will understand or they won't (in which case you might want to question the friendship).

But you need to let them know soon - it's not fair on them otherwise, as they might want to invite other friends in your place, which gets much more awkward to do closer to the big day itself.

AliBaba40 · 07/06/2011 14:11

...and ditto what buzzsore said about the 'work' excuse. Be honest, and let them know as soon as you can so they have time to change their plans too. That's only fair.

jellybeans · 07/06/2011 14:12

I wouldn't go abroad to a wedding unless extreme close friends or family. far too far/expensive!

tickTOCKtickTOCK · 07/06/2011 14:14

Cancel. You won't enjoy it worrying about the money you've spent if you do go.

If they're friends they will understand. If they don't, they are not true friends anyway. There's enough time for them to redo the seating plan, invite other people, etc.

This is one instance where family comes first - there's no shame in saying 'no, we can't afford it, flights have gone up and belts are having to be tightened', you're not the only ones who will be worrying about it.

eurochick · 07/06/2011 14:14

If you can't afford it, you should cancel, but I am surprised it is costing so much.

We travel quite frequently to neighbouring Languedoc where hubby's family have a house and the flights for our last trip (in May) were about £70 each (Ryanair). Is there a way to avoid car hire? Can you take taxis instead or join up with another couple/family and share a hire car?

If you're not going, just tell them asap.

Lucyinthepie · 07/06/2011 14:56

Don't go. Pay £1,000 off your debt.

Flippingebay · 07/06/2011 14:59

If they are good friends they will understand completely. People who get married abroad generally understand that not everyone will be able to afford to go.
My best friend got married abroad and I couldn't go because of the cost. I just simply tried to do something special for them as a couple before they went. We had a lovely party for them at our house as a pre-wedding celebration :o

vj32 · 07/06/2011 16:34

You've left it very late to make arrangements - you might have got flights etc a lot cheaper if you had booked in advance. But don't spend money you haven't got - you probably wouldn't have a good time anyway.

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