Or is my mum?

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Ok DS1 is turning 13 soon, I have arranged a surprise party for him at a venue he is familiar with.

Mainly just family and the few friends he does have.

Everyone in the family know about this except DS1.

So yesterday I am out with my mum and DS1 when she says to him "As you are going to be 13 this year would you like me to pay for you and a couple of friends to go for a meal in the evening of your birthday"

Now I couldn't say anything because he was there obviously but when I got home I messaged her and asked why she said it and her reply was well it will be nice for his 13th to be celebrated. I mentioned again that I had arranged the party and she replied well I don't think he will like that.

AIBU to think I know my son better than her FFS. She knows the work I have put into this and to keeping it low key so he doesn't find out.

I have ordered his cake etc and I really feel she has just ruined it all.

That's terrible! What an utterly mean thing to do :( Is your mum often like this?

Why oh why would she do that? I agree with WOD, is she often like this?

Sadly yes, today for example.

I have made plans to go to "The big Lunch" event which is being held at various locations. So she says she doesn't really want to come so I said well send DS1 home in a cab now so I can spend some time with him before he goes back to school tomorrow. So she said Oh i was going to send him later.
All of a sudden instead of sending him home she is coming along which means he will spend the entire time in Nannys pocket

She very much favours him over the other 3 grandsons. Simply because "He is so like your dad" which she often says.

Wow that sounds a bit creepy to be honest. She seems very possessive of him. Would you be able to have a chat to her about how sad you feel that she ruined your plans? Would she listen?

Without knowing any history (I could be jumping the gun here), does she spend much time with him. If she does, is she lonely and trying to 'relive' her parenting through him?

She always gets him staying with her through the school holidays and at weekends and lays a guilt trip on me if I say no.

He has been there since Tuesday evening and I will be able to bring him home today for him to go to school tomorrow.

Isn't your mum attending the surprise party for family and friends?

Seems strange that she would say that to DS if she knew that a surprise party was already organized.

I think it's time to have a serious talk with her. She seems to have a weird thing going on where she considers him her child. Don't let her guilt trip you - he is your child and you have every right to want to spend time with him over the holidays without her butting in. Of course it's great that she loves him and wants time with him but it shouldn't be at the expense of your relationship with him.

Then ignore the guilt trip and start limiting the time he spends with her.
That much time in weekends and holidays is unreasonable.
Do you have a OH who can back you on this?

OP you are always complaining about your Mum and I KNOW your son has some SEN but if you dont like her controlling your life...and your sons...why do you let her have him so often?

All you have to do is say NO. And then goodybe...and put the phone down.

Mumbling, because as I already said she guilt trips me.

She was the first person I told about the party. So yes she knew about it.

And I am not always complaining, about her, I ask if she is right in her approach or if I am. Yes she sides with him a lot. He is the first grandchild.

anyway am off out now

She is unreasonable and seems to have deep seated issues around him. Sorry, but I think you need to re-assert your motherhood! Get decisive and say NO more!

She has had your son to stay since Tuesday?
What does your Ds think about this? and your other children?

She hasn't ruined the party though has she as I presume it is still going ahead and still a surprise to your ds?

Tell her that it's a nice thing for her to say to help keep the surprise party a surprise but that if she wants to take him out for a birthday treat like that it won't be on your son's birthday but another day near to it.

I assume the friends he would want to take with him are also going to the surprise party and you could get them to play along too?

You know that you want to give your son a surprise party and she is the only one that doesn't want to come do that's up to her. Party is going ahead and if she tries to take over with her plans just say straight out mum don't try to guilt trip me into changing my plans for ds again. He's having his party and that's final. You can take him out for a birthday treat another day.

And just repeat it whenever she mentions it. If ds is around then just remind her that her birthday treat for ds is happening on a different day. Mention it to your ds beforehand so he knows in a 'silly old granny forgot to check with mummy so her treat is going to be a different day because mummy loves spending your birthday with you' sort of way.

Good luck! And keep strong despite your mum trying to take over don't let for this one thing and it might get easier the next time too...

She can only guilt trip you if you allow yourself to be guilt tripped. I think you would benefit from a little toughening up and polishing up of your assertiveness. She won't die if she doesn't have your son so often.

Is there a reason your DM believes your DS1 would not like the party or is she just trying to upstage you? My eldest DSS1 has SN and parties even with family can be a disaster because he gets stressed and tends to leave or if their in our house he will hide in his room.