Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To thi this is really insensitive

26 replies

hairylights · 02/06/2011 18:23

ive noticed a couple of places, including Facebook, women commenting on other people's maternity leave plans. "you're only taking six months?" etc.

And the old gem "you won't want to" (no shit, Sherlock).

Aibu to feel like leaving a comment "yes, some of us don't have well off dps or fantastic maternity packages ... Some of us will have no choice in going back at three, four or five months, and your surprise doesn't make it any easier".

I get statutory only, and we will have to save hard to cover my maternity leave.

Surely people wouldn't comment in this way about other financial/ family decisions? Why is ml such fair game?

OP posts:
Itsjustafleshwound · 02/06/2011 18:28

It all boils down to personal CHOICE .... so don't start looking for approval for the decision you have taken or pass judgement on others.

MumblingRagDoll · 02/06/2011 18:30

Some people have no mortgage and no debt...they rent...or have paid their mortgage...they cannot fathom the pressure those things bring. Some people see the first year with a baby as sacrosanct and wont let anything get in the way...not debt, or bills or lifestyle...they will do anything to stay at home and cannot se anyone elses point of view.

Original poster
hairylights · 02/06/2011 18:30

Yes that's what I'm saying. It seems really judgemental.

People wouldn't say "you only drive a fiesta"? "your house only has two bedrooms" "you only have one bathroom" etc.

OP posts:
yougivemumsabadname · 02/06/2011 18:32

I do know what you mean. When my dd2 was born 9 years ago my job was so crap they literally gave you 9 weeks at 90% pay then it was £100 a week. I was a single mum with no support from dd father and so skint.

I had to go back to work when dd was SIX WEEKS and it broke my heart, it was so hard when people would say, Oh my god, that's SO YOUNG to leave her in nursery, I felt like shouting I KNOW! But I had no choice, I couldn't have paid my rent and bills and fed us otherwise on £400 per week.

MumblingRagDoll · 02/06/2011 18:33

Some people WOULD say those things though Hairy. More than one person has commented on the fact that DH and I have no car...or that we don't own a home.

yougivemumsabadname · 02/06/2011 18:33

£400 per month I mean!

Original poster
hairylights · 02/06/2011 18:33

That's exactly what I mean Yougive

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 02/06/2011 18:33

If you don't want people to comment on your status then don't post. I think the problem is that you wouldn't post about other financial matters. If someone asks how long you are taking you don't need to answer them especially if they are not close enough friends that you can be honest with.

Surely mentioning their DP will make your DP feel bad.

MumblingRagDoll · 02/06/2011 18:34

Wouldn't you have qualified for help though yougivemumsabadname?

Original poster
hairylights · 02/06/2011 18:35

That's another question. If you are on smp, do you qualify for housing benefit and council tax benefit? (I have no idea)

OP posts:
MumblingRagDoll · 02/06/2011 18:35

I agree Birds. It's best not to come on MN all angry about these things. Nobody needs to know te length of your maternity leave OP...no more than you should share your income.

yougivemumsabadname · 02/06/2011 18:37

I don't think so - I looked into it at the time - Working Tax Credits came in just after I went back to work but I think I didn't qualify for housing benefit and council tax benefit because I had a job.

Birdsgottafly · 02/06/2011 18:37

Also some women have to be SAHM because they cannot afford childcare or it is difficult to find if they work shifts.

Housing benefit and CT is means tested, so it depends on what you have coming in, in total. You can get a benefit check fom the CAB or welfare rights place.

MumblingRagDoll · 02/06/2011 18:38

Yes hairy and if you have to wait for it, they wil give back pay...of course you are entitled to it if yr income does not exceed a certain amount

here

I think it is £102 a week...so you canot have more than that coming in.

MumblingRagDoll · 02/06/2011 18:39

That is another point....if you are earning enough to pay for childcare then why not ave up before getting pregnant? Obviously some pregnancies are unplanned. Then it is a choice etween job and spending time with the baby...everyone has the right to make their choice...but they shouldn't complain about it.

Original poster
hairylights · 02/06/2011 18:41

I didn't post - I was commenting here on stuff I've seen on fb. In fact the original status was nothing to do with it . The post was speculation and assumption, which makes it even worse!

I think if people want advice about ml this is a good place to ask, but I don't feel that then merits judgement and sympathy.

OP posts:
Original poster
hairylights · 02/06/2011 18:42

I'm NOT talking about people complaining about it. I'm talking about women judging other women's decisions about maternity leave.

OP posts:
MumblingRagDoll · 02/06/2011 18:43

Well people who post extreme views on FB are best deleted. i had one eejt who kept spouting political clap-trap...he was gone with a flick of the finger!
Grin

Birdsgottafly · 02/06/2011 18:48

Perhaps then you should leave those that it is directed towards, to answer it.

I would question why adults who are about to become parents are getting into such personal arguements on a public media site.

They are about to become parents, they need to get over being judged, tbh.

Original poster
hairylights · 02/06/2011 18:52

That is what I've done.

I'm just making an observation and asking if my observation is unreasonable Confused

No one is getting into a personal argument. Or complaining about being judged

It's someone who has commented on a friend of mines status.

OP posts:
Original poster
hairylights · 02/06/2011 18:55

I admit though to having been personally barked when hr bod at work said "you won't want to" when I told them of the ml I intended to take. I was informing my employer, not asking for advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
hairylights · 02/06/2011 18:55

Narked, not barked!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 02/06/2011 18:56

There is no comparable leave/financial decision that is so open to inspection by nosy friends and rellies. Men don't generally post about taking family leave or taking their maximum allowed sick days. Like baby names, if you don't want people to comment, don't mention it.

I had DD1 in the US where maternity leave is unpaid and you only get 6 weeks. No-one ever commented when women returned to work. It is because women in the UK get benefits (there is nothing, absolutely nothing comparable in the US) and longer leave if they wish that their choice is apparently comment-worthy; it is implied that they should choose to stay home methinks.

Birdsgottafly · 02/06/2011 19:13

I would suggest again that perhaps adults shouldn't be discussing future important life decision on FB, thats for teenagers.

People comment when they shouldn't and judge others, it is annoying but thats part of the problem with casually adding people on FB then posting a personal status, it's a minefield.

Original poster
hairylights · 02/06/2011 20:03

bird that's absolutely not what has happened.

Person a, (my friend) "fed up of work"

Person b, "never mind soon you'll be off for six months ml "

Person c, "you only taking six months? Poor you"

It's person c that I think is insensitive, making an uninvited comment on the length of ml that my friend has decided to take.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread