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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect not to argue with DP so much??

13 replies

zebedeethezebra · 02/06/2011 14:57

We bicker about something trivial about 3 or 4 times a day and have a major row about once a month, again usually about something pretty trivial to start with but ending up with DP saying some really horrible things to me. Sometimes I seriously think I should leave him because I think he can't love me or he wouldn't say such things. They really upset me. I love him despite the rows.

I wonder if I'm over-reacting though. Is this something every couple goes through or is it worse? Is it normal to have arguments so often?

DP is the longest relationship I've ever had (2.5 years) so I've nothing to compare it with.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 02/06/2011 15:03

We bicker, though not that often...perhaps once or twice a week depending on various things.

The one thing we've always stuck to though, is not insulting each other or telling each other to Fuck Off etc..

For example, we'd say "You're being stupid" rather than "You ARE stupid" because that crosses a line into personal insults...and in the end the row becomes about the insults rather than the reason we were rowing in the first place.

bubblecoral · 02/06/2011 15:16

I agree that the no name calling or direct insults is an important rue for us as well. It shows a complete lack of disrespect, and even if dh is being a complete twat, I would never call him a twat.

I find we argue if we've hardly had any time with eachother, because it means that you only see that bad stuff about the other person. You need quality time together to be able to have a bond and remember he good things about the other person, and why you fell in love with them.

Dh and I were bickering loads a few weeks ago, it seemed almost constant for about a month and it wasn't over anything important, but then we had a weekend away together, got ourselves all loved up again and it has been lovely since.

worraliberty · 02/06/2011 15:18

and even if dh is being a complete twat, I would never call him a twat.

That's what MN's for Grin

AgentZigzag · 02/06/2011 15:25

Why do you let it spiral?

If you're bothered and know something will trigger a sniping session (which you're going to if it's several times a day) then don't say whatever you were going to, or keep your voice low and calm so it won't spark anything off.

It just sound like you're talking to each other with no respect/care/love at all.

Do you have DC? Do they hear it?

jeckadeck · 02/06/2011 15:27

I think it goes in cycles: my DH and I can go months without a single row if things are good and then something will break the cycle and we will argue a lot for the next two, three, four months, big rows in some cases. Generally because one of us has done something that's pissed the other one off and it needs to be worked out of the system, or we're negotiating a life change and don't see eye to eye on it. I find it strange how much the weather in a relationship can vary. I think its fairly normal but maybe that says more about me :(

IloveJudgeJudy · 02/06/2011 15:28

If you have DC, please don't bicker. I grew up with bickering parents and it's horrible. DH and I don't bicker, actually don't row. There hasn't really been anything yet that's been worth rowing about. We do discuss everything, though.

AgentZigzag · 02/06/2011 15:29

Not at DHs instigation worra, but I told him I'd never slag him off on MN Grin

Luckily he's not given me reason to...yet Wink

AgentZigzag · 02/06/2011 15:31

I grew up with the same JudgeJ, I don't believe DC should never see their parents argue, but constant sniping/throwing stuff/shouting in the middle of the night/sulking afterwards isn't healthy.

bubblecoral · 02/06/2011 15:34

I can see that bickering is not nice for children, but on the few occassions that my dc have heard me digging at dh because he has done something trivial, we both take the time to explain it to them.

I don't think there's any harm in them knowing that Mummy is a bit cross because stepdad left loads of plates in the sink when the diswasher was right next to it and empty.

I think the most important thing is communication, between the adults and the children. We both reassure the dc that we love them and love eachother, we are just cross because of whatever. And they get to see us making up, apologising, forgiveness, making a point in a constructive way rather than being insulting etc etc. I think that is not a bad example to set for them tbh.

PrincessJenga · 02/06/2011 15:34

What do you bicker about? Is it always the same things that keep coming back round? Or is it anything / everything? Does one of you usually 'start' them? Do the rows get resolved or linger?

DP and I don't bicker that much any more because we've both got much better at stepping back and trying to see things from the other's point of view. We also realised that a lot of the time it was how we were communicating that was the problem so we've worked on that and now avoid a lot of misunderstandings by asking for clarification. FWIW, DP used to call me awful names in the middle of rows, but since I pointed out to him how hurtful it was he has stopped. He'd just never considered it before; the names were simply part of his rowing repertoire rather than something he actually meant.

Pandemoniaa · 02/06/2011 15:37

Both dp and I have had failed marriages which, towards the end, were one lengthy bicker interspersed with nasty rows that included very personal insults and sulking thrown into the mix.

So although we do have spats (I feel one coming on, as it happens!!), they are brief, immediately forgotten and don't involve the sort of insults that can't be taken back and which do taint a relationship.

You need to tell your husband that his comments are horrible and will affect how you feel about him.

Original poster
zebedeethezebra · 02/06/2011 17:57

Yes, we have a lovely DS who I'm starting to feel sorry for, although we don't do it in front of him. Yes DP does say personal things which is why it hurts so much, although most of the arguments are generally about who does what and who doesn't do what, the usual thing I expect. Then it ends up with DP saying the personal stuff.

Generally we move on quite quickly afterwards and he says he's been an idiot, but all the personal things he keeps saying are starting to stick in my head and I'm thinking that he must really think those things otherwise why would he say them?

gotta go!

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 02/06/2011 18:02

Perhaps you need to sit down and work out some realistic expectations of who does what/when/why.

And stop the arguments before they get started.

It's hard to sort out how they happen because it's starts so quickly with both usually really emotional/angry, so I recorded one of ours on my phone once, it was enlightening to say the least.

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