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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think how shallow is this?

31 replies

Mandy2003 · 26/05/2011 14:58

Don't flame me but in a bored moment I signed up with a well-known online dating thingummy. Yesterday & today been playing "viewed your profile" ping-pong with someone fairly local. I finally cracked and responded.

I explained I have a phobia of having my picture taken (basically to get in first and refuse before he asked!), the phobia bit is true.

Got a reply saying I was setting myself up for emotional hurt if I corresponded with someone (him), got on well then met up and they (he) did not like the look of me!!!!! 3 times in 2 emails he asked for a photo and when I still said "No" I heard no more.

Well excuse me Mr Hissy Bollocks so you're so great looking are you!?

Anyone with experience of these sites, is this common behaviour?

OP posts:
Carrotsandcelery · 26/05/2011 15:01

A good friend of mine did this about a year ago and it was a real eye opener. Men were very very honest and open about what they did and didn't want, how they wanted it and what she should be wearing while he got it etc!

We decided that at least she didn't spend weeks dating with them before she found out what pigs they were.

Approach with caution and a thick skin is my limited experience advice.

Original poster
Mandy2003 · 26/05/2011 15:03

So I take it your friend did not meet anyone she wanted to spend time with then?!

OP posts:
TechLovingDad · 26/05/2011 15:03

The internet is a magnet for loons, internet dating gives them the chance to pass judgement on others.

Most of them would never get a date as their mum's wouldn't let them out after tea time.

Original poster
Mandy2003 · 26/05/2011 15:06

Well I will admit to being nearly double what he gave as his starting point of how much his date should weigh FFS! But I think the site is at fault for even suggesting to them that weight should be a criteria.

Wait till they find out I'm celibate Wink - mwahahahaha

OP posts:
razzlebathbone · 26/05/2011 15:07

I personally wouldn't go on a date with someone unless I had seen a photo. Preferably more than one.

I once was in a similar position to this but from the other side. I was going to meet up with someone until he told me he thought he'd better mention he was 4ft 10. I mean, I know it's probably shallow but I knew I would not be able to go out with him.

MonstaMunch · 26/05/2011 15:08

i dont understand

did you meet him and he didnt like you

or he didnt reply when you wouldnt send a pic?

Original poster
Mandy2003 · 26/05/2011 15:11

Didn't meet, Monsta. I agree Razzle I wouldn't go on a date without seeing a photo, but to not want to chat until he'd seen a photo is a bit Hmm

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 26/05/2011 15:14

Sorry but you cant expect to get anywhere on a dating site without a picture, looks attract, first always have. Its personality keeps people together.

niceguy2 · 26/05/2011 15:15

I must admit, back when I did internet dating I didn't bother with anyone without a photo and I suspect the converse was also true.

The simple fact is that most people ARE bothered about weight. In the real world, if you were too fat for them then they probably wouldn't bother coming over to talk in the first place.

Obviously online that isn't possible so the photo is our judge.

It really does cut both ways. If I was a lardy arsed bloke I suspect the vast majority of women would just click on by.

FabbyChic · 26/05/2011 15:15

The older you get the more picky, you know what you do and don't like, I'd not see a fat man that's for sure does nothing for me.

Original poster
Mandy2003 · 26/05/2011 15:19

I agree, but I think it would be better to at least have an initial conversation before demanding a picture. You can still enjoy chatting with someone even if you don't like the way they look.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 26/05/2011 15:19

They are looking for a partner not a chat.

Punkatheart · 26/05/2011 15:22

You are lucky if they are legitimate. A relative of mine very nearly got scanned by a 'handsome American soldier' who was in fact a gang of con artists who had downloaded a photo of a random man. Sadly, a photo can tell you a lot. Not shallow really - there has to be some sort of attraction.

verlainechasedrimbauds · 26/05/2011 15:23

I agree. I think you will struggle to get best use out of an internet dating site without a photo...It's a dating site, so looks do matter. If you can't see what someone looks like and they are refusing to put up a photo then it will make you wonder what they are hiding! I wouldn't refuse to correspond with someone because they were not conventionally handsome (have happily dated very lovely people who were not conventionally good-looking at all), but I would be very uncertain about corresponding with someone (in terms of possibly dating) if I had no idea what they looked like. I don't think this is in itself is shallow (I wouldn't, would I Wink ?). Insisting that someone is a particular weight probably is though!

There are oddballs on dating sites, but many people are lovely (just like you!). I met my DP via the internet. Kissed a few frogs first, mind...

Original poster
Mandy2003 · 26/05/2011 15:24

Ah, the reason I actually responded to this one was that he specifically mentioned meeting people for friendship as well as "romance". The first I'd seen (I thought) that had a brain in his skull rather than in his trousers!

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 26/05/2011 15:26

what have you got to hide by not having a photo up on board?
Are you married and that is why you don't want photo up displayed?

TBH if you will not even send a photo so he knows who he is talking to then why would he continue to chat to you - not really fair if you can see him but you will not let him see you.

ginnny · 26/05/2011 15:29

I think you are being naive rather than shallow.

On a dating site looks are important.

Obviously it is good to chat too but you need to be able to visualise who you are talking to surely
If you just want a chat go to a chat room!

verlainechasedrimbauds · 26/05/2011 15:30

Yes, but people say that so that they don't seem too frightening or pushy. They will also say this because, just like many on an internet dating site, they are nervous about it and are not sure that they do want romance. Lots of people are recovering from failed relationships and are dipping their toes back in the water. Friendship is good, but it isn't what most people go on to internet dating sites for really! A romance can certainly start with friendship of course, but often the start of a romance (however slowly it goes) is a bit more based on chemistry! You will miss out on some potentially very lovely people if you don't put a photo up, honestly!

Original poster
Mandy2003 · 26/05/2011 15:30

Noooooo!! I am not married and have nothing to hide!! I am just completely un-photogenic, to the extent that in the past people have destroyed (or deleted) pictures that I'm in saying that I spoil the pic!

Constantly get told that no pictures look anything like me (passports etc), it's just not happening for me.

OP posts:
TryLikingClarity · 26/05/2011 15:32

I think anyone, male or female stating what weight they want a potential partner to be is a bit Hmm

Most people have no idea what an 11 stone (for example) woman would look like. It needs to be taken into account with height, body type etc. Just seeing plain numbers 11 stone written down is a bit odd, imo.

I remember seeing some numpty on Trisha show a few years ago who flatline stated he wouldn't date any women over a size 10, but this deluded chump found it hard to guess dress sizes of women in the crowd.

Anyway, that was a bit of an aside. I do think YABabitU. I think it's good to include a pic even when talking online. Sure if you were in a club you'd be able to see who you were talking to, so it should be the same online, esp when dating might be on the cards.

nijinsky · 26/05/2011 15:33

That is shallow OP. But not maybe as bad as targetting women for their money, which I've heard of on those sites as well. So much easier to meet men through people you know or shared interests, not always possible I know.

verlainechasedrimbauds · 26/05/2011 15:36

Why not get a friend to come round with a digital camera and have a merry evening taking photos. It is difficult for you if you hate having your photo taken, but if you can perhaps try it after a glass of wine and get your friend to take a few while you tell a silly story you might find some you can stand. If people have deleted pictures of you and told you that you've spoiled pictures, you need to find some different friends...

Pendeen · 26/05/2011 15:38

I suppose his response could be regarded as very honest and has avoided wasting your time.

nijinsky · 26/05/2011 15:42

A friend I know put up several photos on one of those sites, mostly reasonably close up, and several men contacted her but asked her to provide more detailed photos showing her face more clearly! Now, that is shallow.

LadyOfTheManor · 26/05/2011 15:49

Hmmm.

On a dating site, there's competition...if you like cooking and I don't know, ostrich racing and another woman does, but she has a photo, then she may well get the message.

I haven't used online dating but I imagine it to be a bit like a facebook profile...picture, hobbies etc.

I think it's a bit bizarre you're dead against posting a photo...but if it's a phobia then it will be bizarre.