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AIBU?

to have had an abortion and feel ZERO shame or regret

1000 replies

GetOrfMoiCase · 26/05/2011 13:00

In AIBU because it is a popular topic. I know I am not being unreasonable.

Thread is in response to a report I heard on the news yesterday which was shamefully presented, regarding abortion access.

There is a thread on MN currently about it www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/1222273-Chipping-away-at-abortion-rights-govt-appoints-Life-as-sexual-health-adviser

Apparently there is a twitter thingummy going around 'I had an abortion' for people to discuss guilt free abortions.

Just thought it would be appropriate to have a thread on here for people put a positive side of abortion.

My story: got pregnant 5 years ago. My dd was 10. I was in a relationship of 6 months duration and had recently started a new job. Condom failure. My partner and I agreed that we didn't want a baby, I booked an abortion and had it without a backward glance. No emotional fall out afterwards. No guilt.

OP posts:

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TheRhubarb · 26/05/2011 13:42

I don't think you can say that it is a 'dirty little secret'. You can buy morning after pills over the counter. The first thing the doctor asks when you reveal you are pregnant is whether you have considered your choices.

People don't talk about it because it's just not something we discuss very much. I have bunions on both my feet but I don't feel the need to mention it to every passer-by.

Abortion debates rage on in this country and there is always someone ready to shout their opinion. Hardly a 'dirty little secret'. That's just a shit excuse to justify this thread.

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LadyClariceCannockMonty · 26/05/2011 13:42

YANBU. I think this is something that really needs talking about. While I don't think an abortion is ever a light decision for anyone, and I wouldn't wish anyone I know to go through one, I get tired of the general perception that it damages people's lives for ever. In films, books, soaps etc, it seems that anyone with an unwanted pregnancy either has to have the baby, or have an abortion and then suffer seemingly endlessly for it, whether by dying during the procedure or through neverending guilt, shame and sorrow. It sometimes seems to me to be another way of making women feel guilty for being sexual beings.

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strawberrymewmew · 26/05/2011 13:43

GetOrf - "What about pregnancy announcements? Should those stop because you may hurt those who are TTC?"

I think there is a bit of a difference between announcing you are having a child and announcing that you ended what could have been a childs life and don't feel bad about it.

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TandB · 26/05/2011 13:43

[loses private bet with self about first mention of MN royalty coming within 3 pages]

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swallowedAfly · 26/05/2011 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MichaelaS · 26/05/2011 13:44

I think YANBU but somehow this makes me sad. Abortion is never a good choice. It might be the best of a set of bad choices. Once that choice has been made, once the situation is already there, then I completely agree that there is no reason to feel guilty for making the choice.

It does really upset me though that we congratulate ourselves on being liberated and pro-woman in breaking the link between sex and pregnancy, but in reality the link is still there and we have only reduced the probability of getting pregnant if we choose to have sex. We still ended up in this situation where many many women are still conceiving but don't want a baby. The result is the same as before the pill/condoms/etc were available and people were abstinent instead of careful.

And it is completely unreasonable, IMHO, that the abortion rate is about the same as the live birth rate in the UK. And that last year, there were 85 women having their seventh (or more) abortion. Attempting to prevent conception, and having an abortion when that prevention fails is sad. Repeated abortions as a method of birth prevention is just ludicrous.

For an interesting (warning - controversial) view on the recent statistics, look here

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cuteboots · 26/05/2011 13:44

What a horrid thing to discuss. I did consider this road when I found out I was pregnant but could never have gone through with it and have never looked back. I think you have to be a very strong peron to go through something like this and not have any feeling at all. I agree women should have the right to choose but its still not a nice topic of discussion.

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ComradeJing · 26/05/2011 13:45

YANBU for your post.
YANBU for posting in AIBU.
YANBU for the thread title.

I'm too angry at some of the daft comments on here to say much more but good for you GOML for starting this.

Honestly, are any women who are TTC sitting back saying "What a bitch, rubbing my nose in conception and then abortion when I can't get pregnant!"

I miscarried and I STILL think you're doing the right thing. 2 of my friends have aborted. One is young with a young bf. They knew it wasn't the right time for them. The other was older but knew the relationship wasn't going anywhere. A year later she said it was the best decision for her.

As someone said on the other thread... pro life actually just means anti-choice.

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GetOrfMoiCase · 26/05/2011 13:45

"I still think your thread isn't actually that related to the other thread (which you could have posted on instead of starting your own) just an excuse to start a bit of controversy"

No. Have you read the other thread? I in no way want to cause trouble. As I said in the OP this is related to a twtter whatsit about abortion. You can however think what you like, 'love'

Copied from other thread:

Add message | Report | Message poster GetOrfMoiCase Thu 26-May-11 12:48:15
SAF have you had a look at Abortion Rights - it is a great site. But makes tragic reading what is going on.

I am not on twitter, apparently there is a hashtag (wtf is that? ) 'i had an abortion'.

I am tempted to start a thread on here 'I had an abortion and feel no shame'. I had no mental trauma afterwards. I WOULD have been traumatised having that baby. And it is legal and my right. I will NOT be made to feel stigmatised. Easy for me, I am a bolshy confident person, if I needed another abortion I would fight my corner. Not so easy for a young girl. And HOW fucking pernicious that the catholic church and pro life groups will get involved in an advisory capacity.

Add message | Report | Message poster GetOrfMoiCase Thu 26-May-11 12:49:28
I am getting angrier the more I think about it

Add message | Report | Message poster DuelingFanjo Thu 26-May-11 12:51:45
they want women pregnant and in the home. More women out of work = more men in work. Fewer benefits for women = more women reliant on men. it sucks.

GetOrf, I would be happy to join you on that thread if you start it.

OP posts:

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mumof2teenboys · 26/05/2011 13:45

YANBU.

I had an abortion towards the end of my marriage. It was the only decision that I could have made in the circumstances, I have never regretted it.
If I had carried on with the pregnancy, the marriage would have carried on as well. It was an abusive marriage and I needed to get out of it. I couldn't bring another child into the situation we were in.

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MoonGirl1981 · 26/05/2011 13:45

I had an abortion when I was 18 after a rape. I was too ashamed to tell anyone so travelled alone to Bournemouth (frigging miles away) to have it done and then went back home alone after it had been done. I'd never felt so desperate in my life, it was horrific.

I had another at 23. Was in a new relationship, my son was only two and I wasn't working and it felt like the right thing to do. While I was there the nurse/whoever decided to show me the scan screen thingy showing my seven week old baby. I was okay about it until that point. I wish now I'd gone back to my boyfriend (who was in the waiting room) and asked him to take me home. He would've done as I asked. I regret that abortion. I can see that at the time it was the right thing to do but I'm still with my boyfriend, we both have good jobs and my little boy is growing up into the coolest person ever. How bad could it really have been?

Actually feel better for writing that - cheers! :)

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Thingumy · 26/05/2011 13:47

'getorf-have you had counselling for your trauma?. I am not talking about the abortion(entirely your decision even if I do find your attitude wholly distasteful) but the issues with your birth mother?. Do you think her attitude to your birth has effected your own reactions to your abortion?.'

That is wholly offensive.

Vile.

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PfftTheMagicDragon · 26/05/2011 13:48

YANBU

It is not a horrid thing to discuss.

It is a very real issue, that affects all of us. Whether we have had an abortion or not. It needs to be discussed. We must retain the right to choose.

And also not be educated about sex by right wing religious nutjobs. That too.

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TheRhubarb · 26/05/2011 13:48

tbh I see nothing but acceptance in society. You made a choice, you don't feel guilty, good for you.
It's still not a good enough reason for a very ill-thought out thread title and thread. It does come across as boasting even if that's not how you meant it to sound. It sounds flippant.

I can't answer for every poster here, but I don't think people expect you to feel guilty. what they expect is that you treat the decision with the respect and sensitivity that it deserves and that you also accept that other people didn't have it so easily. because from what I can see, society expects you to just get on with it and has little patience for those women who had abortions and still suffer trauma years later. that's why they have their own thread category, not because they are victims, but because they wanted a space to go to that would not be invaded by women shouting "I HAD ONE AND IT WAS A PIECE OF CAKE SO GET OVER YOURSELF!" in the way they often can on mumsnet.

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TandB · 26/05/2011 13:48

I agree with Thingumy - another case of "you aren't feeling guilty enough - there is something wrong with you".

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VictorGollancz · 26/05/2011 13:49

I had an abortion when I was 24 and I've not had one minute of regret. I'll don't know how to put this - 'proud' is totally the wrong word, but I'm not sure there's a better one - but yes, I do feel a sense of 'pride' that I chose the right, sensible, course for both me and the child my pregnancy would have become.

I had never thought about children - I had no plans for them, had never given it a second's thought other than protecting myself contraceptively since I was 15. My pregnancy was caused by contraceptive failure and I was a totally skint student. Still, even if I'd used no contraception at all and was wealthy I still would have had the abortion. It was when I realised that, that I realised that I would have been foolhardy and selfish to continue with the pregnancy.

Every child should be wanted, cared for, and loved - mine would have been none of those things.

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minipie · 26/05/2011 13:49

YANBU GetOrf. I also feel no guilt, shame or regret about my abortion several years ago.

And YANBU for posting this. It is important to tell the other side of the story. I have seen so many articles - and indeed posts on mumsnet too - that say "everyone regrets an abortion" and "everyone who has an abortion is racked with guilt". We need someone who will say this is not always true. Not least because this may be a factor in other women's decisions on abortion. If a woman only hears that "everyone" regrets it, that may influence her decision, and it shouldn't, because it isn't true.

Of course there will be some women who have an abortion and do regret it and do feel guilty. However I do not see why it should make them feel worse to know that some other women do not have those feelings.

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michelleseashell · 26/05/2011 13:49

You are not being unreasonable.

I had an abortion that I didn't want to have. It was late, for the record. I'm not ashamed of that fact, it took six weeks to arrange and I desperately wanted to keep the baby and only decided I needed to abort once I realised how much the baby would suffer if I kept her. Long story. I feel FUCKING AWFUL about it. I nearly commited suicide and suffered a year long nervous breakdown afterwards.

But what the hell right does that give me to go around telling other people how they should feel about their own abortions?? If you felt relief, then I understand that. That's your experience, not mine.

Thank you for being brave enough to tell your story and don't let any idiot try to invalidate your feelings or force guilt on you.

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ChinnyReckon · 26/05/2011 13:49

Yes, 7 abortions is extreme. 85 women though, out of how many women in this country?

I had a quick skim of that blog so not 100% sure but it seems, like most anti-choice information, it concentrates on big numbers but then doesnt mention how many terminations are carried out in the first 6 weeks, 8 weeks whatever is the average?

I absolutely loathe the idea that some religion that I dont subscribe to sees fit to try and influence policy which will have a direct effect on me though. It's disgusting.

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fantagrape · 26/05/2011 13:49

I had one more than five years ago. MAP failure. I would have loved to have had a baby, but my partner was not keen to go ahead. He said we'd have children in a few more years ( we split 3 years later ). I now have two children very much wanted by dh and I.

So I feel regret, certainly not shame. I can talk about it to people when relevant.

We should organise a march or something. "End abortion shame!"

You simply cannot force a person to become a parent. Being a parent is a life time of commitment and endless sacrifice.

This country needs to make early abortion quick and easy, in conjunction with other measures for better

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pink4ever · 26/05/2011 13:50

thingumy-eh? vile to question op after she has brought up the subject? dont think so. run along now pet.....

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larrygrylls · 26/05/2011 13:50

The problem is that it is a decision which has life long consequences. And what you don't regret now, you may regret later depending on circumstances. That is not to say it is not a good or necessary choice. It can be both.

I think, however, it is a big and personal decision and something which only needs to be discussed with those you are close to rather than something to shout about on an internet forum.

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LadyWellian · 26/05/2011 13:50

Rhubarb "I don't see anyone saying FEEL GUILTY DAMMIT!"

But they do expect us to feel guilty, as this thread just about proves.

Stillfrazzled "the bad feelings I had were fear of people looking down on me if they knew the truth, NOT actual regret or feeling I'd done wrong"

This is why only one of my RL friends knows about the abortion I had in very similar circumstances to GetOrf's. They all know about my two miscarriages a decade earlier, because that is socially acceptable. And I feel guiltier about the MCs (particularly the first one at 16wks) because I 'failed' to hang on to what was apparently a healthy and very much wanted baby.

GetOrf, I don't think YABU. And I'm completely with you in feeling horrified at the Government's barely hidden agenda.

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shineoncrazydiam0nd · 26/05/2011 13:50

Fully come out in support of OP, however shan't be adding any personal stories of my own.

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Hullygully · 26/05/2011 13:51

Interesting how many people think it "bad taste" to discuss it on a public forum

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