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to have had an abortion and feel ZERO shame or regret

1000 replies

GetOrfMoiCase · 26/05/2011 13:00

In AIBU because it is a popular topic. I know I am not being unreasonable.

Thread is in response to a report I heard on the news yesterday which was shamefully presented, regarding abortion access.

There is a thread on MN currently about it

Apparently there is a twitter thingummy going around 'I had an abortion' for people to discuss guilt free abortions.

Just thought it would be appropriate to have a thread on here for people put a positive side of abortion.

My story: got pregnant 5 years ago. My dd was 10. I was in a relationship of 6 months duration and had recently started a new job. Condom failure. My partner and I agreed that we didn't want a baby, I booked an abortion and had it without a backward glance. No emotional fall out afterwards. No guilt.

OP posts:
charitygirl · 26/05/2011 13:15

Ha! I think a badge is a good idea - (and actually i think a T shirt does exist) - women could wear them one day a year to break down the ludicrous stereotype/propaganda that women who've had an abortion are inevitably scarred, guilt-ridden creatures. As something like 1 in 3 women have had one, that can hardly be true can it.

ShirleyKnot · 26/05/2011 13:15

It is related to another thread - the clue is in the link posted in the OP.

swallowedAfly · 26/05/2011 13:15

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ChinnyReckon · 26/05/2011 13:16


I had an abortion when I was 23. I was in a relationship that was quite quickly becomming emotionally abusive, he hated me being in University and seemed to love 'knocking me down a peg or 2'. The thought of him being a part of my life forever made me ill. The idea of being alone, unable to finish my course and get a job, made me feel ill. I have never regreted it. It was the only time in my entire life I took responsibility for my actions and made a decision for me. Being pregnant with my DD last year only strengthened my belief in a woman's right to choose.

GetOrfMoiCase · 26/05/2011 13:16

I am certainly not bragging or boasting about having had one. Not at all. It was not something to go out and celebrate with a bottle of champagne.

It was certainly a ghastly couple of weeks, I didn't come to the decision lightly. Because yes what I was doing was removing the potential for life. I don't think that is something one should do without contemplation.

HOWEVER I do not feel ashamed about it. I don't think that my saying I feel no shame can be construed as bragging or boasting. I boast about shit like putting eyeliner on straight, not abortions Hmm. This thread is in direct response to the thread which is in active convos. There is a lot of detrimental action at government level currently which will have a negative impact on those who need abortion most. Women are supposed at some level to feel shame and emotional heartache after abortion. This thread is for me (and others) to say that it is not a shameful act.

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 26/05/2011 13:17

I dont give a fuck about women who have regret free abortions, and I am one of them, so whats the point of the OP? tell me something I dont know

I do give a fuck about women that have had heartrending ones and will this thread help them, no?

its about as relevant as posting "I had a shit today", really

swallowedAfly · 26/05/2011 13:17

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Malificence · 26/05/2011 13:17

Thre is far too much crap written about the "guilt" and shame of women who've had abortions, I bet the majority of women who've had one don't regret it for a moment and feel nothing but huge relief afterwards.
I wouldn't hesitate for a second about having one if I got pregant at the age of 45, highly unlikely seeing as DH had had the snip but it could theoritically happen.
My DD is 21 and we were having a conversation just the other day about this, her friend has just had one, final year at Uni, one night stand with an ex, pill failure etc. DD said that she would have one too, but, she also knows girls who have had several and treat it like contraception, that's defintely not a good thing.

nulgirl · 26/05/2011 13:18

Can I join you? I had an abortion when I was a student 12 years ago. The condom split when I was away from home on a bank holiday weekend with a former partner. This was in the days before you could buy a MAP in the pharmacy.

I have never ever felt the slightest regret that I did not continue with the pregnancy. My first thought when I woke up (delay in referral meant I was 12 weeks so had to have a d&C) that was an immense relief.

I think that there is this feeling that woman must berate themselves and serve a penitance for having an abortion. Even now I have two children, I still no have no regrets. If anything it reinforces my decision. Having children a child when I had no money, no job and someone I didn't really love would have been a nightmare for me

ShirleyKnot · 26/05/2011 13:18

The same could be said of MANY, MANY subjects on AIBU.

strawberrymewmew · 26/05/2011 13:18

I don't think you are being unreasonable with the way you are feeling, but it is a sensitive topic and I think you are being a bit tactless.

I'm sure there are many women on here who have had constant MC or can't get pregnant and this thread might be quite hurtful, and to post this in the most popular area of the site as well.

This is almost as bad as the "I'm not ashamed" happy hooker thread.

NettoSuperstar · 26/05/2011 13:18

YANBU. I feel the same. I had one 4 years ago. I didn't want another baby, didn't think relationship was strong enough (it wasn't, we aren't together but we are still friends) and neither of us had any money.

I've never regretted it, I walked away from the clinic feeling relieved.

I don't see this as boasting at all, just a woman (women) being able to say freely that abortion was the best thing for her.

I felt guilty for not feeling guilty, because you are somehow portrayed a a monster if you don't.

queenofthecapitalwasteland · 26/05/2011 13:19


Abortion needs to be more openly discussed in schools/colleges/etc WITHOUT the 'you're a bad person/ your baby will die in agony/ you'll burn in hell' agenda that seems to be what a lot of people experience.

FWIW been there, done that, knew it was the best decision, moved on.

RockOnMrs · 26/05/2011 13:19

Fair enough then GetOrf, if that was your intention then I'm sorry I misconstrued your OP as bragging, and I do think you're right - abortion is not something to be ashamed of.

However, I do still think that a lot of people are going to be very, very upset by your post.

grottielottie · 26/05/2011 13:19

YANBU or boasting. Why should any woman have to fit in to anyone's expectations of appropriate responses to choosing this path.

I also don't see why AIBU is the wrong place to post this, it is a general discussion topic which covers many issues, both flipant and profound.

MooMooFarm · 26/05/2011 13:19

Personally I have never had an abortion but I think I would feel shame and regret if I ever did.

Which is maybe why, to me, this thread is slightly odd. Is AIBU really the right place for such an emotive subject?

ebbandflow · 26/05/2011 13:20

I really do not have a problem with people having an abortion. However, just realised I would rather people didn't talk about it, when I read this thread I thought, this is going way too far. I always think of myself as a liberal person as well.

strawberrymewmew · 26/05/2011 13:20

Also, I don't think it should be kept a "dirty little secret" or that women should feel any shame from having an abortion when circumstances that they are in would affect the baby. But I think it's just nice to think of the people who would be hurt by the subject.

ShirleyKnot · 26/05/2011 13:21

Nope doesn't seem to be one for this kind of conversation. Where should the OP have put this thread, out of interest?
swallowedAfly · 26/05/2011 13:21

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JeremyVile · 26/05/2011 13:21

Yanbu at all, but this is going to turn into a horrible thread.
I wonder how often women express regret and guilt because it's what's expected of them?
I did feel guilty for a while but then I realised I was being a self indulgent twerp and accepted that it was an absolutely ok thing to have done.
I don't,now, regret it one bit. I do though regret that the PG happened at all as of course it would be better never to go through the experience and the stress.

wowwowwubbzywubbzywubbzywowwow · 26/05/2011 13:21

Using contraception is removing the potential for life.

ClaireDeLoon · 26/05/2011 13:22

With MooMoo completely. This thread may be harsh for those who have had one and do feel shame and regret.

whoneedssleepanyway · 26/05/2011 13:23

I had one 13 years ago...before I had my DDs, it was the right decision at the time and I didn't regret it but it was still a very hard thing to do (drunken one night stand, took morning after pill was an unlukcly statistic)...

but I do feel more weird about it now since having my DDs...

I am not totally sure that you did really book an abortion without a backward glance, you say it was hellish few weeks...that indicates that there were some emotions going on there.

TheRhubarb · 26/05/2011 13:23

sorry but i agree with the government appointment otherwise the panel would be biased. You have to listen to all opinions and take it all on board even if you don't agree with them.

The majority of women DO NOT feel zero guilt or shame but you won't find them coming onto a thread like this. I used to have a website that gave info on unplanned pregnancies including abortion, adoption and keeping the baby. It was unbiased. I had a section that included women telling me their own stories. I would get an email every week from a women who was either coerced into an abortion by her family or boyfriend or who desperately wanted to change her mind but was never given the opportunity to do so. I was appauled that these women were treated like pieces of meat by the clinics with many of them having their abortions in tears. So you think that this thread will help do you?

Abortion is a very emotive subject. It is the termination of a life. Many women take that decision with a heavy heart, even if they know it's the right thing for them. It's certainly not a subject that should be spoken about flippantly as though you were just popping in to get your piles sorted out. And if you do think it's a flippant thing that has no other importance then there is something wrong with you.

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