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to have had an abortion and feel ZERO shame or regret

1000 replies

GetOrfMoiCase · 26/05/2011 13:00

In AIBU because it is a popular topic. I know I am not being unreasonable.

Thread is in response to a report I heard on the news yesterday which was shamefully presented, regarding abortion access.

There is a thread on MN currently about it

Apparently there is a twitter thingummy going around 'I had an abortion' for people to discuss guilt free abortions.

Just thought it would be appropriate to have a thread on here for people put a positive side of abortion.

My story: got pregnant 5 years ago. My dd was 10. I was in a relationship of 6 months duration and had recently started a new job. Condom failure. My partner and I agreed that we didn't want a baby, I booked an abortion and had it without a backward glance. No emotional fall out afterwards. No guilt.

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiCase · 26/05/2011 13:51

getorf-have you had counselling for your trauma?. I am not talking about the abortion(entirely your decision even if I do find your attitude wholly distasteful) but the issues with your birth mother?. Do you think her attitude to your birth has effected your own reactions to your abortion?.

I don't think so. I got pregnany myself at the same age as my mother got pregnant with me (iyswim) and I was delighted, and dd has been the light of my life. However, having the baby I aborted would have had an awful impact on my and dd's life.

Like I said earlier, I didn't regard it as having a haircut. It was a decision which I did after hours of talking to the father (who is still my DP btw) and thinking hrough all the options. However, as soon as it was over, I felt relief. And I don't feel 'what ifs'. IIf that makes me a heartless cah then so be it.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 26/05/2011 13:52

I haven't had an abortion. But I am glad that I live in a society which gives me the option. I am now trying to work out why this thread shocked me. Interesting

BabyReindeer · 26/05/2011 13:52

YANBU After a lifetime of being very anti-abortion I found myself pregnant after pill had failed - I had told my GP I was concerned about this nad he had refused me a Mirena because of the cost ( some years ago )

There I was, 40, quite broke, having to work every hour god sent to keep failing business going, not very fit. DH already working 7 days a week to prop us up. I felt it was the right thing to do in those circumstances, and I still do. I expected at the time that horrible continuing guilt would be the price I paid for putting my DH and the existing family first, but I did not feel guilty at all.

Much to his credit DH took the very sensible line of saying it was entirely my decision, and he would support me 100% whatever path I chose.

ShirleyKnot · 26/05/2011 13:53

Rhubarb - sorry, I keep picking up on things you're saying for some reason, it's not personal. Anyway: "that's why they have their own thread category, not because they are victims, but because they wanted a space to go to that would not be invaded by women shouting "I HAD ONE AND IT WAS A PIECE OF CAKE SO GET OVER YOURSELF!" in the way they often can on mumsnet."

I completely disgree with this. The reason that topic was set up was to stop people saying "OH MY GOD HOW CAN YOU KILL YOUR BAYBEE" when people are making those difficult decisions.

This thread is getting twisted - it's not about being "PROUD" of having an abortion, it's about NOT FEELING SHAME.

TheRhubarb · 26/05/2011 13:53

Funny how those posters who agree with the OP are now getting very aggressive in their tone.

I actually pulled my kid out of sex education because they didn't tell the kids that it was wrong to have sex before the age of 16, they didn't tell them how to keep themselves safe and they didn't teach them about respect. Do any of you know about the catholic sex education? It teaches kids about contraception and about self respect. Try getting your facts right before you slag something off.
Oh and Life also offer counselling to women who have had abortions. They have a right to speak out if they like, this is suppose to be a democratic country but some of you obviously wish it was a dictatorship.

Sorry, this this thread will turn nasty and I've better things to do than to converse with people who have a huge chip on their shoulders.

Vallhala · 26/05/2011 13:54

Bollocks rhubabrb! You don't think that we can say that it's a dirty little secret? So if you had an abortion would you mention it to your DCs school, to your Grandfather, to your neighbour, as I did when I had cancer?

So why, if women are not often made to feel ashamed of the choices they make, is a clinic specialising in abortion not proclaiming above its doorways "ABORTION CLINIC".

You go into work after your next weeks holidays and tell your boss and colleagues that you've had an abortion and then come back to tell me that you've had no whispering behind your back, no barbed comments and no judgment about your level of promiscuity.

ThisIsANiceCage · 26/05/2011 13:54

YANBU. Important thread.

wotss · 26/05/2011 13:54

YANBU, & I don't hear bragging in the OP.

It's worth mentioning from time to time, whilst not taking anything away from those who have had emotioanl fallout - but the fact is that understandably people who weren't traumatised tend not to talk about it since there just really is nothing much to say, and so that side tends to go unheard.

And if you ever do say anything, it can be construed as bragging or insensitivity - I would be wary of discussing it with most of my friends for instance for exactly those reasons. I don't want to be insensitive.

But perfectly acceptable to bring it up on a forum like this - when else can people discuss this kind of thing.

GetOrfMoiCase · 26/05/2011 13:55

It is not that easy to get an abortion.

The first doctor I went to said that he was a Christian, that he didn't refer women for abortions as in his view it was wrong, I had to make another appointment with another doctor in the surgery, oh and by the way don't make an appointment with doctors x and y because they feel the same.

Couldn't get another appointment for 2 weeks.

Referal to a hospital took another 10 days.

I could have gone private but I lived a 2 hour drive from the nearest private clinic.

It is certainly not 'I want an abortion' 'oh ok then here you are'

OP posts:
TandB · 26/05/2011 13:55

Er, who is getting aggressive? I have seen a lot of reasoned argument from those supporting the OP and quite a few snidey or aggressive comments from those who think she is "bragging".

TheRhubarb · 26/05/2011 13:55

That too shirleyknot. But calling them victims because they have their own category is laughable. Are the mothers of special needs kids victims too?

Really must leave now - got work to do. Enjoy the bitchfest that will surely follow.

Bearskinwoolies · 26/05/2011 13:55

Most definitely YANBU for posting this and posting it in AIBU, OP.

I had an abortion many years ago, in difficult circumstances, and I have never regretted it, or felt ashamed about it. It was the totally right thing to do for me. For others to say I musn't talk about it, or I should feel ashamed, well who are they to say how I MUST think and feel about it? Must we cower in a corner (mentally) in sackcloth and ashes simply because other posters want us to appease people's delicate sensibilities?

I think some people really need to understand that their life experiences/thoughts/emotions are not the same for everyone.

pink4ever · 26/05/2011 13:56

getorf-thank you for answering what was a genuine question(even though another poster saw fit to call me "vile" for posting it-whatever). I asked because I was brought up by a mother who lost no opportunity in telling myself(and sisters) that basically we had ruined her life and to never ever get pregnantHmm.
Tbh I think this is one of the reasons why I feel so strongly the other way now. Am pro-life but wouldnt want to make abortion illegal again as that is barbaric.

ShirleyKnot · 26/05/2011 13:56

What? I think the aggressive tone is coming from a different place than those supporting the OP's right to a) discuss this topic and b) not feel ashamed.

motherinferior · 26/05/2011 13:56

I think this is a great thread title. There's far too much assumption that anyone who has an abortion will be racked with regret for years. It's not a 'get over yourself' thread - it's an 'I won't have your assumptions of guilt piled on me' thread.

I became pregnant, not madly deliberately, 11 years ago. And at that terrifying point I could see far more clearly than ever before just why women terminated pregnancies. I went on and had the baby, but I am so glad I had the freedom to make my choice safely and with the support of my GP (whose first question, when I said I was pregnant, was 'and are you pleased?').

Peachy · 26/05/2011 13:56

Well Rhubs it was nice to see you even for a flash.

Shirley in fairness, I think it was for both reasons: neither camp has a perfect history nor a weight of blame, there are millitants on every side and they like their say.

Are entitled to their say.

And having somewhere safe to go so you can cope in your own is essential.

Vallhala · 26/05/2011 13:57

I'd pull my DDs out of any classes led or inspired by LIFE or Catholicism, personally.

GetOrfMoiCase · 26/05/2011 13:57

Rhubarb I see no agression towards you. Your first post (three posts in) was pure passive aggression in itself "I don't think you need to boast about it love."

If you dish it out etc.

OP posts:
ReindeerBollocks · 26/05/2011 13:58

GetOrf is an intelligent and helpful MNetter. I have seen her name many times and value her opinions. Had this thread been started by a new member or someone who always seems to post controversial topics then I would agree it perhaps wouldn't be for the best.

But actually the OP is trying to have a rational, adult debate about the fact that social abortion exists, and given the amount of people that do go through this, that guilt doesn't always exist and perhaps women shouldnt be ashamed of abortion. Social abortion is just a form of birth control in essence.

I completely agree and applaud it actually. I agree with abortion so therefore I don't see why people seemingly have to life in angst over their decision.

I don't understand those people who say abortion is only acceptable in 'X,Y or Z' cases. You either agree or disagree with abortion, colouring the water with 'acceptable' abortions instils the fact that women who have had social abortions should feel ashamed.

Plus, how are we ever going to know the real feelings of women who have had abortions if we don't allow it to be discussed?

wowwowwubbzywubbzywubbzywowwow · 26/05/2011 13:58

I've never had an abortion but have taken the MAP (which is morally exactly the same as an early abortion imo). I didn't feel guilt - because I didn't consider the pregnancy, if there was one, at that stage to be a life.
The OP has as much right to post about her experience of abortion as anyone else. It is impossible to second guess what might offend people. I imagine it's quite painful for people struggling with their fertility to hear about all the amazing achievements/special moments people have with their kids - I don't think anyone would suggest that people stop posting them though.

TheRhubarb · 26/05/2011 13:58

Vall - piss off dear! Many people ARE upfront about having an abortion. I wouldn't tell because it wouldn't be their business. Why do you feel the need to tell all and sundry your medical history? Perhaps I should wear a t-shirt that reads 'I GET THRUSH FROM TIME TO TIME' since we're letting it all hang out.

Get over yourself. No-one gives a shit. That is the real issue.

YorkieGate · 26/05/2011 13:59

A close friend of mine had an abortion when we were at school, she knows it was the right decision, she could not have looked after the baby (no family, no home, staying with friends).
For her it was without doubt the right choice, she could not have given the baby a decent start in life and she felt she couldn't cope with giving a baby up for adoption, she suffered with depression and thought it would push her over the edge.

She now has a good job, is very respected in her community and you would never know about her troubled upbringing and teenage years. She tells no one that she had an abortion, she knows it won't go down well in the friendship circles she is in now. She doesn't feel any shame about the abortion, or guilt but she worries about how others will judge her, that they'll think she is some scarlet woman. So she keeps it hidden. Not out of shame but out of fear of judgement.

Its not right, it shouldn't have to be a secret. It doesn't need to be shouted from the rooftops (or printed on t-shirts...) but in conversation where its relevant why should she feel like she will be judged - because its still considered a 'shameful' thing to do. FFS its legal, why should it be shameful? The more women who keep their stories a secret, when they maybe would like to speak about it, the more the idea that it is a shameful thing to do, to be kept hidden, continues.

Good on you, GetOrf. A brave thread.

HaughtyChuckle · 26/05/2011 13:59

I think any woman who goes with an Abortion is extremely brave

sorry about your story SwallowedaFly

Vallhala · 26/05/2011 14:03

What's that you said about people being aggressive to you Rhubarb? Hmm

I think the reasons for telling "all and sundry" about my medical issue are clear, I need not spell them out.

OK, indulge me... do an experiment... tell your boss and colleagues that your week off work was in order to have an abortion, then come back and tell us what happened.

YOU clearly DO give a shit, which is why you are so antagonistic towards those who are speaking in favour of the OP and who are pro-choice AND unwilling to see women stigmatised for their choices... which they ARE.

Anyway, I thought you were picking up your ball leaving us?

LittleOneMum · 26/05/2011 14:05

OP, YANBU. In lots of ways, I think it is good for people to know that it is possible to have abortions and feel fine about it/not feel regret. I'm really pleased for you that it has not caused you pain.

Slightly sensitive thread for me. When I was 18 I had an abortion and until very recently I'd have said that I was just like you: no regrets, and grateful to live in a society which allowed such things to happen. But a few months ago, as I was watching my 2 DCs (1 and 3) I suddenly had a rush of pain and love for the DC who never was and who would now be around 18. It filled my eyes with tears ... and I realised that yes, I was filled with regret. So as long as you know that these decisions are never easy...


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