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AIBU?

to have had an abortion and feel ZERO shame or regret

1000 replies

GetOrfMoiCase · 26/05/2011 13:00

In AIBU because it is a popular topic. I know I am not being unreasonable.

Thread is in response to a report I heard on the news yesterday which was shamefully presented, regarding abortion access.

There is a thread on MN currently about it www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/1222273-Chipping-away-at-abortion-rights-govt-appoints-Life-as-sexual-health-adviser

Apparently there is a twitter thingummy going around 'I had an abortion' for people to discuss guilt free abortions.

Just thought it would be appropriate to have a thread on here for people put a positive side of abortion.

My story: got pregnant 5 years ago. My dd was 10. I was in a relationship of 6 months duration and had recently started a new job. Condom failure. My partner and I agreed that we didn't want a baby, I booked an abortion and had it without a backward glance. No emotional fall out afterwards. No guilt.

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strawberrymewmew · 26/05/2011 13:23

Swallowed That isn't what I said, I meant in terms of tact.

I didn't say once that it was anything like the same, just that people will be hurt by this thread, regardless of how many people are not ashamed or feel regret.

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GetOrfMoiCase · 26/05/2011 13:23

X posts with the world.

I am sorry if I have offended anyone, however this IS related to another thread in active convos which I made clear, and it is in the news a lot.

I don't want a badge (remembers Mamazon's opinion on the new MN demographic)

I also stated that I posted it in AIBU as it has high traffic. It would have been here or chat anyway. I don't know if there is a specific abortion topic to put it in.

I don't think you can tailor your threads in order no to offend anyone on MN - someone somewhere will take umbrage to whatever you post. If people were that considerate mumsnet would be empty.

I certainly am not saying that I am some abortion high priestess. of COURSE many women who have them are deeply traumatised for years. I am not denigrating that opinion whatsoever. All I am trying to say is that is not the story for everyone.

I have a personal axe to grind certainly. Abortion availability is critically important as it reduces women having babies they don't want. My mother got pregnant with me very young, didn't tell a soul. She didn't want a baby, but she was very young and just 'hid' the pregnancy away, both physically and mentally. I was born and she had to deal with the fall out. She didn't raise me - she didn't want to, she wished I was never born, and she has told me that the day iwas born was the worst day of her life. Having me fucked her life up completely, it wasn't a bed of roses for me either.

OP posts:

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Malificence · 26/05/2011 13:24

Nobody is forcing people who would be upset by the subject matter to actually , you know, read it.

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sockonmyhead · 26/05/2011 13:24

Get Orf...you said in you OP you had it without a backwards glace, implying it was an easy decision and it had no effect on you. I wouldn't expect someone to still be racked by guilt daily five years on, but you implied that there was no emotion involved at all. I think that's why many people are saying you are boasting etc etc.

No regrets, fine. No feelings, not so fine!

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Vallhala · 26/05/2011 13:25

Since when was stating a fact bragging? The OP isn't telling you that she's got six Mulberry handbags FFS, she's saying that she made a considered decision to have a procedure which is stigmatised and unpleasant and that she, contrary to what LIFE will have you believe, does not regret it.

I have never had an abortion but I can only imagine that had I felt the need to I too would have felt neither guilt nor regret, despite what certain sectors of society would like women to feel.

Thank youGetOrf, I hope that your tale brings comfort to other women who might otherwise feel vilified for their decision and for not bowing to pressure to regret it or feel guilty about it, and thank you for raising a very important issue which is indeed an indication of a further erosion of womens' rights.

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Teenytiny · 26/05/2011 13:25

I dont know how you could get rid of a baby and not care not feel sad nothing i also dont know why you would post a thread telling everyone this!!

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DrGruntFotter · 26/05/2011 13:25

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Scheherezadea · 26/05/2011 13:25

I think this is a very good thread for women out there who may be feeling guilty - so they know they do not have to be ashamed. Well done OP.

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Thingumy · 26/05/2011 13:27

yanbu Getorf.

I have had a similar experience in my early 20's.

I have no pangs of regret and it was the right thing for at that time.

I refuse to feel ashamed and everyone has the right to talk about their experience of abortion.

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Katiepoes · 26/05/2011 13:27

Going too far? Why not talk about it? Here's a thought - how about not clicking on a thread clearly discussing a topic you don't want to talk about?

Or do you mean to suggest nobody should talk about it? Please look up the definition of liberal.

The assumption that all women feel shame and regret over an abortion is incorrect. The tragic inability of some to conceive is not a valid reason to shut people up. I'm not proud of having had an abortion but I refuse to pretend it did not happen or that I regret it.

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TheRhubarb · 26/05/2011 13:28

This thread could have a more sensitive title - the title is shit.
It could have been put in chat as everyone knows that AIBU topic is like an online version of the jeremy Kyle show.
It is offensive to speak so flippantly about getting t-shirts and so on declaring your abortion.

Abortion has been covered on Mumsnet before. There is a great deal of support for women who have terminations, they even have their own thread category. I see nothing but support for women. This thread however is just crass.

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swallowedAfly · 26/05/2011 13:28

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TandB · 26/05/2011 13:28

How is the OP boasting or bragging? She is giving a factual account of her experiences on a topical subject. Clearly there is an acceptable way to feel about abortion and an unacceptable way - it appears to be acceptable to be crushed with guilt and shame, or to let it colour your entire life with regret, but not acceptable to reach a reasoned decision and feel comfortable with that decision.

This, I would strongly suspect, was exactly the point of the OP's post.

It seems very odd that so many people are vocal in support of a woman's right to choose an abortion, and yet so few are comfortable with one of those women saying she is content with her decision. It's a bit like giving with one hand and taking away with the other - you can have access to this choice but you must feel terrible about it. It reminds me of the original Little Mermaid story - you can walk on land as you want to do, but you must be in constant pain every day of your life to pay for that freedom.

Every now and again someone posts that they regret having their children - they are almost always treated with compassion and understanding. It seems like we can support negative emotions about the other side of the choice to have a child, but we can't bear to look at positive ones about the choice to abort.

I think the OP's experience is important. I haven't had an abortion myself and it certainly wouldn't be something I would choose for myself, but we never know what might be round the corner and it is important for women to know that they don't have to feel one prescribed way about this issue.

It is clear from the thread title what it is about - people have the option not to open the thread.

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lemmein · 26/05/2011 13:28

I feel the same. I had an abortion 6 years ago - found out the day of my abortion I was actually pregnant with twins. I won't pretend it was an easy thing to do - it is probably the HARDEST thing I've ever done - I agonised over it for weeks. One day I was due to go to the clinic, I was 99% certain it was for the best, my decision (and my DHs) - but on the way I felt sick, couldn't stop crying - my DH turned the car around because he thought it wasn't what I wanted. As we u-turned I had a massive panic attack and from that moment I was 100% sure. The thought of going home still pregnant was much more traumatic than the thought of going to the clinic.

I DO however feel regret that I got pregnant in the first place. I was in a bad place mentally - my behaviour was out of control (had depression and anxiety for at least the last 10 years) - one night I got stupidly drunk and had unprotected sex with my DH. I took the MAP but obviously it didn't work. I feel awful that we did that - it was a huge mistake (that I've never repeated) and the biggest regret I have.

We were not in a position to have another baby - nevermind 2. We couldn't afford it. Not only that but I suffered PND massively after having my youngest daughter which led me to suicide on 2 occasions. I had 2 young DDs at the time of my abortion, the fear of PND finalised my decision for me I think. I could never go through that again.

I don't feel shame for the abortion - I did what was best for me and most of all my family. I often wonder what our lives would be like now if I carried on with the pregnancy - a sort of sliding door moment - but I can't imagine it would be positive. I'm not even sure I would be here. My brother died a short time after and my mam dissowned me - not sure I could've faced all that with twins in tow.

YANBU.

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GetOrfMoiCase · 26/05/2011 13:29

There is in active convos a long standing thread on abortions for those with babies with abnormalities.

I don't know what topic that is in. However that has co-existed alongside threads for those who have trouble conceiving. BOTH are valid viewpoints and both topics should be discussed freely on Mn without the paranoia that a diametrically opposing view will be hurtful.

In any case I am not a complete wanker, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I am not a MN who often starts troublemaing posts, in fact I very rarely post on any serious subject at all. However I feel very angry at the moment (re the thread I linked to) and I see that I could have worded my original post with more diplomacy. However, the essential point I still stand by.

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LittlebearH · 26/05/2011 13:29

YANBU.

It is always a tough subject to talk about.

It never an easy decison to make. Much harder if you already have a child or children.

I think in a few cases people end up having children when they are young themselves, as they are made to feel abortion is harder and then they cannot cope or not being able to give them the best start in life they could have done.

I think there is no right or wrong overall. I can see both arguments.

What I do hate however is the fact it can be done after 20 weeks. IMO is too late unless there is a medical reason.

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TandB · 26/05/2011 13:29

x-posted with lots of others, I see!

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RamblingRosa · 26/05/2011 13:29

YANBU and YANBU for posting here. What GetOrf has said about her experience in no way diminishes anyone else's experience. She's not saying I did it and didn't regret it therefore no other woman should or would ever regret it. She's talking about her experience. And at a time when the government is cosying up to pro-life organisations and chipping away at hard won abortion rights, good on the OP for talking openly about her experience.

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Bucharest · 26/05/2011 13:29

There are many thread titles /topics which might be construed as offensive to certain MNers....I for one, find wetting-my-pants-about-vampire-stories (to name but one, especially given the crap writing that spawned the fanbase) fairly eye-rolling, but, here's a thing....I don't click on it, I don't take it personally, because it's not all about me.

Where was she supposed to put it? Antenatal tests and choices? Now that would have been provocative, but here, nope.

OP YANBU.

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swallowedAfly · 26/05/2011 13:30

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lemmein · 26/05/2011 13:30

It reminds me of the original Little Mermaid story - you can walk on land as you want to do, but you must be in constant pain every day of your life to pay for that freedom.

Really agree with this - excellent post.

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ShirleyKnot · 26/05/2011 13:31

If I see a thread in AIBU that makes me feel bad (suicide for example is a button for me) I hide the thread.

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strawberrymewmew · 26/05/2011 13:31

But if you felt no shame or regret about it then why feel the need to post about it on a public forum where it will hurt people?

If it is done without regret or without looking back on it then surely posting about it causes more damage to the people who will be sensitive about the subject?

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DrGruntFotter · 26/05/2011 13:32

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Hullygully · 26/05/2011 13:32

There is no way that it is "boasting" or "bragging" or any of that crap to state that you do not feel shame at having an abortion and that neither should anyone else.

GetOrf is not saying that abortion is not deeply traumatic for some/all, simply that the decision, once made for whatever reason, should not induce criticism or shame.

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