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to have had an abortion and feel ZERO shame or regret

1000 replies

GetOrfMoiCase · 26/05/2011 13:00

In AIBU because it is a popular topic. I know I am not being unreasonable.

Thread is in response to a report I heard on the news yesterday which was shamefully presented, regarding abortion access.

There is a thread on MN currently about it

Apparently there is a twitter thingummy going around 'I had an abortion' for people to discuss guilt free abortions.

Just thought it would be appropriate to have a thread on here for people put a positive side of abortion.

My story: got pregnant 5 years ago. My dd was 10. I was in a relationship of 6 months duration and had recently started a new job. Condom failure. My partner and I agreed that we didn't want a baby, I booked an abortion and had it without a backward glance. No emotional fall out afterwards. No guilt.

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 26/05/2011 13:32

Oh and YES YES YES! to kunfupanda.

stillfrazzled · 26/05/2011 13:32

"I had an abortion, fifteen years ago. I wish that it hadn't happened. But I feel no guilt. I regret the fact that I got pregnant, but I don't regret having the abortion. I don't feel guilty, because I'm not a bad person for having done it. I had sex, with precautions, and they failed. Having an abortion, in my circumstances, was the right thing to do. I just feel sorry for my very young self who was put in that position."

Exactly, DrGruntFotter. Me, too, even down to the timescale.

And I've had two DSs and two mcs since - the DSs delight me, the mcs totally devastated me - and I still think I did the right thing.

GetOrfMoiCase · 26/05/2011 13:33

"It is offensive to speak so flippantly about getting t-shirts and so on declaring your abortion."

Eh? Where did I say that?

And yes there have been many threads on this subject before, you cans ay that about breatfeeding but it doens't stop everyone banging on about the same sbject.

OP posts:
Vallhala · 26/05/2011 13:35

"rhubarb do you see how you're insisting on putting them in the category of 'victims' - they are supported (despite the shameful thing they've done) and they have their own little section where they can discuss their 'trauma'. "

Well said. Too many issues which hit women so hard are or have been hidden under the carpet for too long - once it was breast cancer, we just didn't talk about tits. Now still it is abortion and, just as sadly, rape.

Shhh.... don't tell the neighbours that this happened to you. People will tell you that you should be shamed, that you should hang your head, that you're dirty, different to them...

queenofthecapitalwasteland · 26/05/2011 13:35

Strawberry I had an abortion I felt fine about, I had an abortion I was coerced into (but got over), I lost a baby at 16 weeks due to a genetic disorder and recently miscarried at 11 weeks. I can see some women will find this topic painful, but given the title of the post is self-explanitory, some woment could choose not to click it.

NulliusInVerba · 26/05/2011 13:36

You should have to feel guilt and regret, of course not, and if you dont you dont.

Some people do though, and some people have shame without regret.

It is odd, in my opinion, to feel nothing at all about it, but thats just my opinion.

Many women have abortions, some feel some emotions, others feel different, most women have a good reason to have an abortion, a few just couldnt be arsed with contraception, this is the way of the world.

There is not much point in us all going over it. For the record, I have never had an abortion, but would fight to keep abortion legal if it were to be changed.

TandB · 26/05/2011 13:36

[sidles away from Shirley's worryingly orgasmic sounding shouting]

ChinnyReckon · 26/05/2011 13:36

FWIW I have never met a woman who felt guilty or regretted it. Like someone else said upthread, we are supposed to feel guilty and regretful but reality is a different matter.

It's a relevant subject because the right to autonomy over our own bodies is going to be chipped away by the current government and their ideologies. Sexual health (including abortion and contraception) is not a religious matter and this govenment has no business involving religious organisations and charities in advisising on policy.

EG: 'In Richmond, south-west London, the Catholic Children's Society has taken over the £89,000 contract to provide advice to schoolchildren on matters including contraception and pregnancies'

Haha! Why is a Catholic organisation providing advice on contraception to teenagers?? What the actual fuck is going on? This is actually quite frightening if you think about it and removing the stigma of abortion, IMO, will hopefully make it more difficult for this terrible govenment to sneak changes in.

TheRhubarb · 26/05/2011 13:36

Abortion is and should be a difficult decision to make.
There are plenty of choices regarding abortion now GetOrf so you've no reason to complain and those choices are widely available on the NHS for everyone. so much so that some women use abortion as a contraceptive, that should show you just how acceptable and available it has become.

The poster saying she wanted a t-shirt is disgusting.
That is the kind of person your thread will now attract.

Unfortunately there are still a good number of women who are forced to have abortions by their partners or families. Vulnerable women who never get over the trauma.
There are also women who bitterly regret the decision they made.
And then there are women who believe it was the right thing to do. Should they tell the world that do you think? Why?
I don't believe it does help women who feel no guilt, because if they feel no guilt then they've no issues to deal with have they? I don't see anyone saying FEEL GUILTY DAMMIT! Most people mind their own business, offering support to those who have been affected which is as it should be.

It's like me starting a thread saying "I got broken into and I don't care!" what would be the point? Some victims of crime get over it and don't need counselling, they hardly think of themselves as victims at all. Others don't. So who needs the support?

I still think your thread isn't actually that related to the other thread (which you could have posted on instead of starting your own) just an excuse to start a bit of controversy.

strawberrymewmew · 26/05/2011 13:37

queen I too had an abortion when I was young, I was also coerced into it. Yes it hurt and I have now gotten over it but I wouldn't dream of posting it in a thread title. That just seems mean to people who will be hurt by it.

ShirleyKnot · 26/05/2011 13:37

It's only cos I agreed with you so much kungfu.

swallowedAfly · 26/05/2011 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NulliusInVerba · 26/05/2011 13:38

should'nt that should say....

LisasCat · 26/05/2011 13:39

As some others have said, I feel guilty only for not feeling guilty. I've had several close friends who have gone through terrible MCs or years of TTC, and I have then felt guilty for not giving much of a backward glance towards a decision I made 10 years ago. Subsequently I have also managed to successfully get pg twice, first time on both attempts. All of this makes me feel bad for my friends who are't so lucky. But if I were to regret my choice 10 years ago, that wouldn't change anything for them. My decision affected only me and the child I chose not to bring into this world. And I agree with the OP that if the political debate is to be an informed one, it needs to accept that for some women it is absolutely the right decision, and not a cause for regret.

Malificence · 26/05/2011 13:39

How in the hell is posting about it going to hurt anyone? Confused
If one in three women have abortions, that can only be a good thing, of course if a woman is coerced by a partner or family against their true wishes then that is terrible, but a woman making a firm decision is obviously making the right choice.

YusMilady · 26/05/2011 13:39

YANBU. And thank you.

stillfrazzled · 26/05/2011 13:39

I don't know, rhubarb - it took me a few years to work out that the bad feelings I had were fear of people looking down on me if they knew the truth, NOT actual regret or feeling I'd done wrong.

If I'd known or heard of more women saying it was a sad but necessary thing but not a Great and Lifelong Trauma, I'd've felt much better, sooner.

TandB · 26/05/2011 13:40

rhubarb0 - it doesn't help any of those women that you mention for abortion to be such a taboo subject that someone is castigated for saying "I had one and I don't regret it one bit".

If it is a valid choice and nothing to be ashamed of then someone saying "I am not ashamed" should be nothing but a positive thing.

Otherwise it remains something of a dirty little secret with women feeling compelled to lie about it, or at least to lie about their feelings about it.

TheRhubarb · 26/05/2011 13:40

"Ha! I think a badge is a good idea - (and actually i think a T shirt does exist) - women could wear them one day a year to break down the ludicrous stereotype/propaganda that women who've had an abortion are inevitably scarred, guilt-ridden creatures. As something like 1 in 3 women have had one, that can hardly be true can it." from charitygirl.


NulliusInVerba · 26/05/2011 13:40

This "one in three" statistic you keep on metioning, is that fact?

I find it hard to beleive when taken into context of how many people are anti abortion, religious, or have never had an unwanted pregnancy that a third of us have had one. I havent.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 26/05/2011 13:40

Is it really 1 in 3?

GetOrfMoiCase · 26/05/2011 13:40

"But if you felt no shame or regret about it then why feel the need to post about it on a public forum where it will hurt people?"

Because my feeling no regret is as valid an opinion as those who were traumatised.

You cannot censor yourself on what you post here. What about pregnancy announcements? Should those stop because you may hurt those who are TTC?

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 26/05/2011 13:40

Rhubarb said "I don't see anyone saying FEEL GUILTY DAMMIT"

on the very same thread that a poster said: "I dont know how you could get rid of a baby and not care not feel sad nothing i also dont know why you would post a thread telling everyone this!!"


"And then there are women who believe it was the right thing to do. Should they tell the world that do you think? Why?" Because why shouldn't they?

And your comparison to being a victim of crime as opposed to making a choice and not feeling guilty about is just..well. I think it says which viewpoint you're actually coming from TBH.

Peachy · 26/05/2011 13:42

I've never had an abortion and although I once said I never would, in fact I have four chidlren with SN and probably would if I became PG: I would hate it.

Do I have a problem with the OP? Not at all.

We'll take a big step forwards in growing up as a nation when we can accept other people's povs and not be threatened by their existence.

pink4ever · 26/05/2011 13:42

getorf-have you had counselling for your trauma?. I am not talking about the abortion(entirely your decision even if I do find your attitude wholly distasteful) but the issues with your birth mother?. Do you think her attitude to your birth has effected your own reactions to your abortion?.
Btw for whats its worth I have had one(pressured into it by my family) and I do have mixed feelings over it.
Personally I do think that if there were more of a sense of shame attached to abortion then so many young women wouldnt be using them as contraception(and I am not talking here about genuine contraceptive failures). Am sure I will get flamed for this comment but couldnt care less(unlike some sheep on here I dont bow to any so-called mn "royalty").

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