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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH, smoking and labour

30 replies

deliakate · 19/05/2011 19:51

AIBU to ban DH from smoking whilst I'm in labour? Last time, he was nipping out for cigs, I really don't know how often, but even started getting down with the midwife while they were there, as she was a smoker too.
This baby is going to be born in a new hospital where it is much harder for him to get in and out, and he has a long walk to the carpark, so he would be away for ages at a time if he does it again. Plus, when he came back in to the room last time, the stink knocked me sick, and made me irrationally angry. Its just hideous.
I would like him to abstain this time, but realise (having been a smoker) that in such a stressful situation, he will be sorely craving cigarettes. AIBU?
(We also have a 22 month old DS, so DH might be looking after him and not with me the whole labour, should it be a long process...)

OP posts:

shakey1500 · 19/05/2011 19:55

YANBU. I'm a smoker but your labour is surely a situation where he could abstain especially if it makes you feel ill into the bargain. Could he do patches, gum etc?

PumpkinBones · 19/05/2011 19:56

YANBU

Original poster

deliakate · 19/05/2011 19:56

Also, to mention, he had desperately wanted, and promised, to give up before this baby arrived. He managed a few months, but then started smoking secretly, telling me I was going mad when I smelt it on him etc. So I'm not very happy about it at any time.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 19/05/2011 19:56

Suppose it depends how many hours you are going to be in labour for. And nobody is going to know that until it happens.

fatlazymummy · 19/05/2011 19:57

Well you can certainly ask him to not smoke. I don't think you can actually ban an adult from doing anything. Presumably he was a smoker when you decided to have a second child with him so you must have realised that this situation might arise.

fedupofnamechanging · 19/05/2011 19:59

I don't think you are being U, if the smell makes you feel sick. But I suppose it depends on how long you are in labour and how long he can physically go without smoking. If he's craving a smoke, will he be that much of a support to you?

I think he could have one before you go to hospital and then it is reasonable to expect him to go a couple of hours without having to go out again.

Hard to say without knowing exactly how your labour will progress.

BitOfFun · 19/05/2011 20:04

Why doesn't he look into these?. He might even be able to knock smoking on the head completely, which is clearly a good idea.

I tried one recently on a promotional stall and they were amazing- tasted and felt like smoking, with the buzz, but no smoke, no tar and nasty carcinogens, and NO SMELL. Like a nicotine patch, but incorporating the feel of a real smoke. Ideal, too, for situations where you can't smoke. If he thinks it looks dodgy on the labour ward (but the end glows green, not red), he can always nip to the loo, and nobody will be any the wiser.

BitOfFun · 20/05/2011 13:41

You are most welcome- really, it was no trouble at all

aldiwhore · 20/05/2011 13:43

My DH bought patches purely for when I was in labour.... it worked. Though he did have a break or two, but then I was huffing and puffing for 27hrs, so a couple of breaks was fair enough.

WowOoo · 20/05/2011 13:49

Delia he can use those inhalator things just outside the room when he gets stressed and wants a break.

God, I'd be seriously p'd off with him. But..

He really does need to give up but perhaps now is not the best time. (Why am I defending him now? - I can remember what a complete and utter bitch from hell I turned into when I quit and you don't want that added stress with a brand new baby)

Good luck with birth.

redexpat · 20/05/2011 14:04

Could you do a Nessa from Gavin and Stacey and cover him in patches to get him through?

kreecherlivesupstairs · 20/05/2011 14:16

Those electric cigarette things are brilliant. I am a smoker, although DH isn't. He got pissed off with me not being in bed when he came to visit when DD was born.
I was in hospital for a week, I could not have possibly not had a fag for a week.

giveitago · 20/05/2011 14:29

I'm a smoker but not in pregnancy. I was on the 11th floor of hospital when giving birth - dh had to keep going out for a fag - each one would take 30 mins given the 11th floor ect and the usual calls to his mum. What I'd say is that he missed the birth (emergency csection) during one of his numerous fag breaks.

To be fair he asked the staff how long I'd be in labour and they replied 'days' - but still he missed the big showdown and the csection - he came back after a fag to find noone in the room and they just basically told him - your wife has a son.He was so shocked he have him a quick hold and then went for another 30 mins to have his fag. Oh dear is what I said.

Sassybeast · 20/05/2011 14:30

YANBU but if he was too selfish to give up before you started trying for a baby or during your prrgnancy, he's unlikely to care enough now ?

jeckadeck · 20/05/2011 14:30

tricky one, this... I'm with you on the irrational anger. DH smokes (though not in the house since my daughter was born) quite heavily and it drives me to distraction. Have had repeated domestics about it. He's cut down quite a bit but I still think smoking is fundamentally incompatible with being a good parent. And I think he's playing russian roulette with his life which is really bloody selfish.
Having said that, as an ex smoker, its almost asking the impossible assuming he hasn't quit by the time you go into labour to ask a smoker to abstain during one of the most stressful times in their life. Don't know how he feels about gum/patches etc -- in my experience they only work if you're pretty sure you're ready to do it anyway. But you may have to accept that he will have to have the odd fag here and there, just ask him to limit it and to wash his hands when he comes back in.

sheepgomeep · 20/05/2011 16:31

Yanbu my dp nearly missed his dd's emergency c section because he nipped out for a quick fag (he was gone ages). I was in a right old state

boysrock · 20/05/2011 16:38

I'm an ex smoker as is dh, who managed with a smoke outside hospital doors(classy I know) before I booked in and legged out after the event in desperation.

So considering you are going to be suffering would it really kill him to stock up on the nicotine gum? Yanbu

Do not let him go with the idea of an electronic cigarette, my colleague uses one and I can definitely smell the nicotine.

DontHassleTheBOF · 20/05/2011 16:41

Nicotine is odourless though. And if he nipped to a nearby loo, rather than all the way outside, it wouldn't bother anybody, surely?

boysrock · 20/05/2011 16:56

I promise you from the experience of several t shifts with my colleague that the electronic cigarette is not odourless. Although if you are a smoker you probably wouldn't notice.

PogueMahone · 20/05/2011 17:04

YANBU. Is he seriously going to be feeling sorry for himself because he can't have a smoke, whilst you're pushing a baby out of your fanjo?

And as an aside, I'd be seriously unhappy at him telling you that you were going mad when you could smell the smoke off him.

HRHShoesytwoesy · 20/05/2011 17:06

yanbu(smoker here) get him some patches

DontHassleTheBOF · 20/05/2011 17:08

That's probably true, boysrock. But technically, nicotine definitely doesn't smell, so there must be a slight smell to whatever the 'flavour' is they put in the steam. Nothing like as bad as a normal fag though, and probably ok if not done in the same room.

boysrock · 20/05/2011 17:11

ok its not as bad as a normal fag. don't know what flavour she's using then.

Mind you I would still be pissed off if there was frequent running out to smoke the thing when I was suffering. So still Yanbu op

mrsravelstein · 20/05/2011 17:13

dh had several fags during the 42 hours or so i was in labour with ds2. i felt like having one too despite not having been a smoker for years.

he's never had another one since ds2 was born though - 3 years now.- so i forgive him!

ZombiePlan · 20/05/2011 18:12

Agree with Poguemahone (esp with the second point).

He's just going to have to man up and deal with it. You will be in labour, he is your birth partner and you will therefore want his support. What is the point of a birth partner that keeps vanishing for long periods of time? If he refuses, I'd look into having another birth partner (how do you feel about a doula?).

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