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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at in laws

23 replies

Tryinhard · 02/05/2011 20:31

They have dogs, which they consider to be too unpredictable and potentially dangerous to be around my baby. I must admit I agree (after it becoming clear when having taken baby round). However due to in laws not putting dogs out, or shut into another room when we go round with baby, we have had to stop going at all. One time me and baby ended up having to shut ourselves in kitchen!
I do not like the fact that my baby cannot go to his grandparents house. They live close by. I have not said anything about it. I have not requested that the dogs be put outside or in a room. This is an obvious option so Idon't need to point it out. If they wanted to they would have offered or would have done it.
AIBU? They are otherwise supportive.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 02/05/2011 20:36

Why is it so difficult to say to them "I would love to come round, but would you mind putting the dog in the kitchen please while we are here" ??

Maybe it hasnt really crossed their mind, or they dont realise you are worried about it.

bigbumum · 02/05/2011 20:39

yanbu.

I havent been to my pils for about 3 years because they have a dog.

I cannot stand them, and bowk when given tea with dog hairs hanging from the cup, and getting covered in its disgusting stinking spit, and getting freaked out when it jumps up at me..."Ahhh look, shes saying hello to you"..NO fuck the fuck off with your stinking fucking animal, i dont like them, i am terrified of them and i dont want to be any where near it.

They know i dont go for this reason.
DH takes ds with him, but thats only once every 4/5 weeks. They live about 15 mins from us.

They never come to us, but that is a lack of interest in us or thier only gc.

I find (and the replies from dog lovers that will come onto this thread will prove my point) that people who have & love dogs just will not get what you are talking about and there will be no persuading them otherwise. They just will not agree with you, i suspect that your ils will be of this group.

yanbu at all in my book.

SharkSkinThing · 02/05/2011 20:43

I'm in a similar situation - my parents have a dog, which whilst is not a dangerous breed, is still quite a 'tough' dog - although IMO, I'm not that comfortable with babies/small kids around any kind of dog. Luckily they agree with me, so until I feel DS is old enough, we won't be visiting there (unless said dog is elsewhere). My parents are totally supportive and understand, and so come and visit us (though not often as they live 200 miles away).

Just to be honest. It's not that you hate dogs, it's just how you feel at the mo. I'm with Squeaky, they just may not have realised.

parakeet · 02/05/2011 20:43

FGS woman just TALK to them, as Squeakytoy suggested.

Original poster

Tryinhard · 02/05/2011 20:57

Thanks for your replies. Honestly it is not really about how I feel. They are the ones who have quite openly said that the dogs cannot be trusted around my, or any other, baby. In fact I tried and tried, perseveringly taking baby round to give them an opportunity to see the baby. It just became clearer and clearer that it wasn't going to work, and was just chaos as the dogs remained in the same room, held on leads but over excited and trying to jump and bark over to baby however far away he was held. It wouldn't take a genious to think, hey, let's put them in the kitchen or outside. But I don't feel it is my place to request this, it's not my house or dogs. It's my baby, so I just don't take him. I just feel it is a shame. It niggles at me. Instead I invite them here etc. At Christmas I invited them, explained we couldn't go there due to the dogs, they just agreed.

OP posts:

CheshireDing · 02/05/2011 21:01

Why don't they just train the dogs, having them on leads I the same room as something or someone they are not going to be allowed near is going to make the dogs behave in that way.

Sounds like they need a dog trainer to me.

Pancakeflipper · 02/05/2011 21:02

Oh grow some - tell them. It is your place to say something cos it's your kid. In an ideal world they should instinctively know. But it's not.

If they then decide not to alter anything then you know you said something. Then you won't be wondering about it - you'll know that they either prepared to sort the dogs out for visits from you and baby or they aren't.

onepieceofcremeegg · 02/05/2011 21:02

I had similar with my own parents. The big difference was that we were able to talk to them and a solution was found.

For example, the dogs they had were quite excitable, prone to jumping up (even at small children) and generally undisciplined. dd1 actually liked the dogs until two of them had a "play fight" under the table one meal time.

My parents only have one dog now (long story, but they finally accepted that one of them really wasn't happy anyway and didn't get on with one of the other dogs hence the scrapping and bad behaviour. Thankfully a close relative who lived locally was able to foster that dog long term and all worked out very well)

Also some ground rules were set. (on both sides, dogs and children I mean). No children in a room with a dog unless adult present. Children to let sleeping dogs lie and to let dogs eat their meals in peace. No dogs in dining room and particularly around table at mealtimes.

onepieceofcremeegg · 02/05/2011 21:05

some people do put their dogs first, and that is their choice. However you won't know unless you or your dp/dh ask. What does he think?

With my parents, they realised once we mentioned it. Sorry for my long post but I thought it might help you to see how we resolved it.

At first the dogs were very excitable round dd1 as a baby. It took several visits (and the dogs being shut up in another room but able to see us and the baby through a stair gate) before things settled enough.

Imo no dog is safe with a baby/young child. Both need supervision when together. Dogs can be unpredictable but equally a child could be unwittingly unkind to a dog or hurt it.

Original poster

Tryinhard · 02/05/2011 21:08

Thank you.

OP posts:

helpneededplease · 02/05/2011 21:10

I have a dog who is fab with kids (I have 3 dc under 4) but whenever anyone comes round I put him in the garden or kitchen because not everyone likes dogs. Unless they ask me to bring him in I don't.
Think your in laws should be more considerate but maybe they don't realise. Sounds like you have tried but maybe your dp could go round on his own and ask them to put the dogs out when you go round?

Southcoastsarah · 02/05/2011 21:28

Imo no dog is safe with a baby/young child.

agree with that, would never leave mine alone with any child, both kids and dogs are too unpredictable

that said i wouldnt like them to be put out for hours on end while people visit, thats just me

i would prefer to visit people in their homes, then no problem, which i suspect is how your inlaws feel

squeakytoy · 02/05/2011 21:30

We have a dog, but the kids lived here when we got him, and know he is very calm, so there has never been any problem now that they have left home and have children of their own who the bring to visit. Everyone in our family has either dogs or cats, and in our house it is no issue as our staffie never jumps up, and doesnt really take much notice of visitors... he will play with grandaughter (which usually means she leads him around pretending he is her horse... until he gets bored, then he sneaks off to bed upstairs out of the way).

But, if he was a boisterous dog, I would have no hesitation in putting him in a different room, or in the garden if the weather was fine, while we had visitors, so I am afraid Bigbumum, your point has not been proved. :), and I would say any responsible dog owner, no matter how much they love their dog would be happy to comply with a visitors request if it was reasonable.

helpneededplease · 02/05/2011 21:37

I have a bouncy lab who jumps up and licks everyone which can be scary for adults never mind children which is why I put him in another room. It's never for more than an hour as he calms down after a while.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 02/05/2011 22:33

I honestly do not understand why people come on mumsnet and fume about something that someone else isn't doing, instead of just asking. It is very unreasonable to expect people to read your mind.

I have a dog, and she is a normal part of life for me, and sometimes I might forget to check if someone visiting the house is OK with her being around - but if they asked if the dog could be kept away from them, I'd do it. If I found that they'd been fuming silently, and complaining about me afterwards behind my back, I would be pissed off.

bubblecoral · 02/05/2011 22:41

I do not like the fact that my baby cannot go to his grandparents house.

In the nicest possible way, that is your problem, not theirs. As you said, if they wanted to shut their dogs in another room or lock them outside, they would do it. They obviously don't want to. Nor should they feel they have to, it is their house.

You have found the soloution by inviting them over to yours instead.

skybluepearl · 02/05/2011 23:02

my inlaws have 3 nippy dogs. i have seen IL's very very little over the last few years as MIL has given them priority and they access all rooms. there is no way i can look after all my small children and keep them seperate and safe. IL's have noticed the lack of visits and we have highlighted the problem so the ball is in their court now. If they want to see thier GC they need to make the house safe to be in or get off thier lazy bums and visit us.

Ragwort · 02/05/2011 23:07

What's the problem with them just visiting you at your house rather than you going to their house, as they have suggested? - most people would be glad to have a good reason not to have to go their in-law's house - or am I missing something obvious ?

daimbardiva · 03/05/2011 13:37

Just ask them - you say that they recognise the dogs are not safe around kids so they shouldn't be surprised/upset by your request. TBH I'm surprised they haven't suggested this themselves.

We have a v hyper dog - I always shut him away inititally when other people come round (children or no) and only let him through if the people are comfortable with that.

Just ask - you are unhappy with the situation, it sounds like it can be easily sorted, so sort it!!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/05/2011 13:43

But why is it an issue if you're physically with your child, OP? If your child is on your lap or in your arms, is there a risk?

I think you'll really need to ask them if they wouldn't mind putting the dogs in one room whilst you're there. I'm sure they will, they've said they're nippy.

bigbummum... I expect they're equally enthralled with you.

2rebecca · 03/05/2011 13:48

I agree with bubblecoral.
You can't force them to let you visit and put their dogs away. It's their house, they can choose to prefer giving their dogs the run of the house to having your family visit if they wish.
I wouldn't be rushing to invite them round to your house twice as often to make up for not going there though.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 03/05/2011 13:53

If you have not point blank stated this is the reason you are not visiting - bluntly and unambiguously then you're not really giving them a fair chance. They are not mind readers and may believe there are many other reasons you do not visit? (don't know what the rest of your relationship with themis like?)

If you tell them you would be happy to visit if the dogs were outside / securely in another room and they choose not to agree with this then YWNBU.

Speak to them clearly to prevent an misunderstanding.

gawdblimey · 03/05/2011 14:01

Inlaws probably think they are doing the best thing possible, not making you feel upset/frightened, them not feeling irritated their dog has to be put out (who to lots of people are just as much a part of the family as anyone else) and therefore coming to your house to see your kids.

I dont really see what the problem is

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