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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grrr bloody exp

26 replies

MissBubbles · 22/12/2010 22:12

another exp thread im afraid, regarding my dd, sorry if long.

me and her dad wasnt married, when she was born she took his surname, i didnt mind at all, she likes her surname so thats fine :)

however, recently she asked about the different surname thing and i explained to her the reasons, and she was fine, i told her "names are not really that important in the long run, mummy and daddy may not be together anymore, but we both love you&your still a part of both of us"

she asked what i meant, so i told her that because we both made her (didnt want to go into too much detail as she only 7, lol) she was half bubbles & half xxx. she was happy with this explanation and went about the rest of day as normal, then today she says to me "oh daddy says your wrong, im not half bubbles half xxx, im full xxx" i told her it didnt work like that and thats she defiently half bubbles, AIBU to think that he shouldnt of said this to her? as she obviously dont understand genetics etc, and shes only 7 and quite a sensitive little thing and could get upset thinking that maybe im not her mum or something ?

OP posts:

joydivisionovengloves · 22/12/2010 22:14

YANBU. He sounds like a right twat.

tomhardyismydh · 22/12/2010 22:22

yanbu hes a twat, tell her the facts of how she was made and she will understand

fluffygal · 22/12/2010 22:24

Agree with Joy. Thats a nasty thing to say, how confusing for her.

Original poster

MissBubbles · 22/12/2010 22:26

your right guys, he is a twat, whenever he bothers to have her, he dont really do anything with her, she spends alot of time playing in her room she has at his house while he watches star trek, he wont even read her bedtime stories, he told her he cant read (he bloody well can read!!!)

OP posts:

Original poster

MissBubbles · 22/12/2010 22:39

it amazes me really, his parents are lovely, they had 2 dc's, him and his bro, brought them up both the same, and his bro turned out great, even his own mum often has said she thinks she bought the wrong baby home as she cant believe he belongs to her as he sooo selfish

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 22/12/2010 22:40

however acrimonious you & ex feel dont enact this out to your daughter

and sorry but why snigger about fact he cant read?you still go it on together

you two made your bed you both lay in it and had a child,.now stop being so bloody petty and both grow up two of you.

do you really want your wee girl subjected to petty mum said, dad said about each other

Actuallawyer · 22/12/2010 22:43

I don't think I'd want to rely on second hand information from a 7 year old. Just because she's repeated her interpretation to you does not mean that's exactly how he said it.

Original poster

MissBubbles · 22/12/2010 22:48

no no no, u dont get it, he CAN read, i was with him for long enough so i do know! my point is hes being so lazy he is lying to her to get out of doing things, and I dont act this out to my dd, hes the one saying these things, whenever he angers me i dont let it show to her, i tlak to someone either someone in real life or on here, i NEVER let her know what i think of him, infact today she also asked me if her and her dad were friends, and tho i hate him, i told her we were friends, its NOT a he said she said situation, i didnt say her dad was wrong, i said it didnt work like that, after all it doesnt, and surely it better to rant about him on here where she wont see rather than me tell her what i really think?? which i would never do!!

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 22/12/2010 22:50

sometimes you smile sweetly and say nowt,for longer term harmony.lie it or not you two are parents and need to be responsible adults and good role models

by all means vent on mn - just dont enact it in real life

Original poster

MissBubbles · 22/12/2010 22:55

exactly scottishmummy thats why i love mumsnet, it means i can vent and calm down and my dd wont know, but your right about the smile sweetly and say nowt attitude, shes not in any danger as far as im aware, and i know you shouldnt always rely on a 7 yr old but this is the exact sort of thing he would say, SUCH a long history, id be here to dec 2011 explaining it all! for her sake i pretend to be his friend, when he comes round im all nice and chatty, offer him a cuppa, he always says no, but thats up to him, for my part im just trying to be nice for dd sake

OP posts:

mincepiegirl · 23/12/2010 00:12

i know how this feels, i have an exp who tells my dd alot of lies too, i dont know how i keep my temper sometimes, its hard but i just about manage it, good luck and merry xmas :)

FabbyChic · 23/12/2010 00:25

It doesn;t matter what he does with her when he has her, so long as they spend time together.

Some men don't see their children or have them overnight.

Consider yourself lucky.

JJ17 · 23/12/2010 00:28

My kids have different Dads but I came up with my own solution re surnames.

My own maiden surname is very ethnically Irish, our family might have been Irish at some point but we have been in London since the 1841 census. I've never been there and it was really boring when I was growing up explaining that we are Londoners, not Irish.

Then I married DS1's Dad and he had a really neutral name, which I loved. No one asked if I was Irish and no one asked how to spell it. Naturally we used this surname for DS1.

Then we got divorced. Then I remarried and DS2's Dad has a ridiculous name that no kid can resist making fun of. So I called DS2 by DS1's Dad's surname too.

DS1's Dad was a bit pissed off but DS1's mum thought it was hilarious and was delighted to have a new "grandchild".

Original poster

MissBubbles · 23/12/2010 00:38

lol jj17 as long as kids are happy :) fabbychic i do consider myself lucky i have ds 11, his dad dont bother, ever, saw him once when he was six months, then again a few times when he was 9, then rejected him yet again, so i know what its like from both sides, its just that i feel frustrated that he says and does stupid things like this, i would never say any of this too her of course, i want her to think that everythings ok,its just that i often finding it frustrating, when im making effort to be friendly and accomedating and he trys to undermine me in such a sneaky way, im not going to have a row with him about it, wouldnt solve anything and wouldnt be fair on my dd, just needed to vent about it :)

OP posts:

JJ17 · 23/12/2010 00:46

MissBubbles - the kids are happy. They like us all being the same. I explained to DS2 that his surname actually came from DS1's Dad and that his own Dad (who he sees) has a gross surname.

I asked if he was happy that he was the same as me and DS1 and he is.

Also - I think if you have an inkling it's not a forever relationship then just give the kid your own name and forget the Dad's name. Maybe he doesn't deserve it.

Original poster

MissBubbles · 23/12/2010 01:27

believe me jj17 if i had known what i know now she would have had my surname, my ds has mine, he has often said, even at 11 that if i had given him his dads name he would have wanted it changed!

OP posts:

curlymama · 23/12/2010 01:29

I'd buy a book that explains these things in an appropriate way for a 7yo, and read it with her at a time that she's not thinking about what has previously been said. Usbourne do a good one and at 7 she is old enough to know the basics of how babies are made. That way you can also explain to her that you and her Dad made her because you used to be very good friends.

My dc's have lived most of their lives with me and their Dad not being together, and they understand that Mummy and Daddy used to be boyfriend and girlfriend but they are not now. It's all theyv't known so it's normal to them, but they do enjoy hearing stories from when we were together. I think it helps them to feel more secure about where they came from IKNWIM.

Original poster

MissBubbles · 23/12/2010 01:35

good idea curlymama i will look into that, thanks :)

OP posts:

JJ17 · 23/12/2010 01:44

You know what Miss Bubbles - I have a few mates who have changed their kids names. You can do this by "common usage" it is perfectly legal.

JJ17 · 23/12/2010 01:47

If their Dad isn't around at all, he doesnt deserve to have his name used. Some blokes walk and if the name doesnt fit, fuck it, get rid.

Original poster

MissBubbles · 23/12/2010 01:55

totally agree, in dd case her dad is still around mostly, and she still loves him so wont do it for her, but god he annoys me sometimes, he even wants me to cancel the csa, said he fed up of paying the amount they make him pay, reckons i only need a quarter of what they make him pay

OP posts:

JJ17 · 23/12/2010 02:06

Ah - well - I did that. Cancelled the CSA - and it worked for me. Tbh, they had assessed es-DH at £100 pw which he cant pay. I said to him - give me £50 pw every week and I will call the dogs off. It worked. Now I get £200 per month - before I got fuck all cos he was fighting the CSA. Depends if he can be trusted tho. Also, you can always switch the CSA back on again if he stiffs you. If DD's Dad is still around then it is reasonable to keep her surname as is.

Wanna chat on PM sometime?

Original poster

MissBubbles · 23/12/2010 02:08

sure that would be good on pm :) and in his case no he cant be trusted, AT ALL , and he can easily afford what they make him pay so thats not an issue, he just thinks that i dont need the money

OP posts:

JJ17 · 23/12/2010 02:14

I dont know how to do PM - wanna PM me?

Original poster

MissBubbles · 23/12/2010 02:17

ok will do :)

OP posts:

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