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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have a favourite?

22 replies

imnotperfect · 07/12/2010 20:31

i love both my sons, but my eldest was very hard work as a baby, and i suffered PND, This time i have an angel on my hands. AIBU?

OP posts:

ShanahansRevenge · 07/12/2010 20:33

Yes.

roomonthebroom · 07/12/2010 20:38

YANBU to think one child is 'easier' than the other but YABVU to 'blame' the child for it. Your DS1 will know and it may have a really negative impact on his life. You need to find a way to get over it before it affects him.

Desiderata · 07/12/2010 20:40

There is always a balance in life. I think you're brave to admit it, and I don't doubt that the feeling exists.

They're only little. When they're grown men, these feelings will be forgotten.

Don't beat yourself up over it. It's not personal, and you love them both.

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 07/12/2010 20:41

I think that it's something you need to work very hard on, to ensure that it doesn't affect both your children.

But don't feel bad about yourself. Just work hard to sort it out.

taffetazatyousantaclaus · 07/12/2010 20:50

My eldest was, and still, is, hard work. My youngest, in comparison, is a doddle. They are 7 and 4.

However, if anything, the bond between me and my eldest is stronger because of what we have been through. I work hard to be fair to them both.

MaudOHara · 07/12/2010 20:53

You may find as they get older that your angel turns into a devil and your elder child is much easier. I do find with mine that they have phases of being delightful and then phases of being pains in the bum more challenging

spidookly · 07/12/2010 20:53

Yabu

playing favourites with your children is emotional abuse

porkchops · 07/12/2010 20:56

Maybe its just a better experience without the PND and the second child is not in fact a "favourite", just an easier time. I don't think that's unreasonable, its just fact. I think it would be unreasonable to start thinking in terms of favourites and acting on said favouritism.

Oblomov · 07/12/2010 20:56

Am always fascinated when people are so surprised by this. It is our duty as mothers to try and love our children equally. But I am closer to my mum than my 2 brothers are to her. I tell my mum almost everyhting. Dh has 6 brothers and sisters. He gets on better with some than others. why ? partly due to their differencing personalities.
We don't like everyone we meet. We get on with some more than with others.

usualsuspect · 07/12/2010 20:58

yes, and that angel might not stay an angel for ever

Desiderata · 07/12/2010 20:58

That's a bit dramatic, spidookly.

Emotional abuse, my arse.

Mobly · 07/12/2010 21:00

I suppose it's not unnatural to be drawn more towards the easier child. Also, I think it's natural for certain members of families to click better than others- it's a personality thing. Things may cahnge as your boys get older.

The main thing is that you love them both and that you treat them the same.

My oldest was and is a demanding child, so much that there was alot about being a mum that I didn't enjoy. Before DS2 came along, I still couldn't imagine loving anyone as much as DS1. DS2 was and still is, the world's easiest baby. He hasn't given me a moment's stress in over a year! Naturally I am gong to prefer parenting him but I love them equally and love their individuality. You have to try and cherish their differences.

Just remember that they are both a blessing :)

missmapp · 07/12/2010 21:02

Ds1 was much easier as a toddler than ds2, but i feel v defensive towards ds2 as others react to his behaviour and the bond is equally strong towards both. i think it is wrong to have favourites, but not to love children for different reasons ( if that makes sense)

pastyeater · 07/12/2010 21:03

It is natural to feel like this, it's only damaging if you let it show. So YANBU.

Oblomov · 07/12/2010 21:23

Emotional abuse ? Oh please thats ridiculous.

Many mnay parents have favourites. Not all. But many. If there were open enough to admit it.

JJ17 · 07/12/2010 21:42

I would lay myself on a train track to save both my DSs.

But DS2 makes me laugh, is sweet, even danced with me the other night. He always is kind and nice, especially to DS1.

DS1 is a pain in the arse, I love him to bits but he is awkward, argumentative and aggressive. He is mean to DS2.

DS2 is my favourite, he is fun and sweet!

I love them the same amount but I like DS2 more.

LadyViper · 07/12/2010 21:47

yeah DO NOT let it show! My aunt had favourites and now the whole family is divided :-S

I am friends with everyone but i'm not allowed to tell some of them where others live!

Animation · 07/12/2010 21:48

It only becomes emotional abuse if you're obvious about who you favour.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 07/12/2010 21:52

It's probably quite normal and natural to have a favourite, but wrong to let it be known to the children.

usualsuspect · 07/12/2010 21:53

It will be obvious

JamieLeeCurtis · 07/12/2010 22:10

I think it's normal to find one easier, or at least easier to understand.

But depending on the age of your children, you'lll probably find you'll go through stages where this all swaps around.

I went through a bit of a high after DS2 was born - the whole experience was so much easier than DS1s birth and his babyhood (that's pretty common, I should imagine).

I love them both equally, I enjoy different things about them. I think it is dangerous to strongly identify one child as a favourite and the other as a "problem". It stops you seeing the whole child

JamieLeeCurtis · 07/12/2010 22:16

I also struggled when DS1 was mean to DS2, but I think it's really really important to understand their feelings towards their little siblings (without tolerating aggressive behaviour). It's easy for a baby to be an angel. In comparison older children are much less"lovable". That's why they need even more love.

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