Am I being unreasonable to my host?

[Simplemind]

DH and I have been invited to a curry night by someone we don't know that well. I have a serious nut allergy and over the years I have decided to play safe and usually take my own food. A little over the top most people find. Anyway I replied to say yes we would love to come but please could I bring my own food. The host is very put out and I feel I have upset her. I havent cooked a curry before and when I look into buying spices etc I came across an article recently saying that there have been reports of spices being substituted with nuts which is worrying me. I was on planning on taking a dish of chilli instead. Am I being unreasonable?

I'm assuming your allergy is potentially life threatening/could land you in hospital so in that case you are totally within your right to bring your own food. If she can't understand then that's her issue.

No you aren't being unreasonable!

It's could be the curry or your life!

I'd take life anytime!

I assume you explained why you were bringing your own food and said that the contaminated spice story has worried you?

The alternative would be her being responsible for you being rushed to hospital. I'd take you bringing your own food any day.

No of course Yanbu. I would respect your decision. Its not worth the risk.

I don't think it's a big deal and wouldn't be offended as the host. In fact I would be pleased to be relieved of the responsibility for inadvertently sending someone to hospital with a reaction from my food! I understand it can be stressful when you have real allergies. My dad is Coeliac and never really enjoys eating out unless he knows there is no risk of gluten in sauces etc

If your nut allergy is severe though surely you can't be in the same room as nuts? I know someone who can't have nuts in her house cos her dh and ds are allergic and that could be enough to set off an anaphylactic shock

Simplemind, I would understand completely as have a dd in the same situation. She has a nut allergy and I send her to people homes with her own food all the time. It is extremely stressful to let someone else have the control over your meal especially when there is never time to fully inform someone of all the details of living with a life threatening allergy. After all it takes years to get used to it and foods change all the time too. Curry is a concern.
I used to find it so much harder when a parent pushed to do a meal and then often got put off my dd going there with the pressure/worry. So much simpler and less stressful to be left to our own devices and pack her up something we know was safe/suitable.
We have often had mistakes made by others too which knocked our confidence. Well meaning parents coming over and saying to dd. This cake is safe for you and putting it in a party bag. Dd over the moon, only to find the cake was defo not safe. Had a warning on= easily missed by an untrained eye.
Dd is older now and we do let her eat out at certain food places with allergen info (like pizza hut) on occasions but I still don't wish for other parents to cook her meals in their homes.

I think if you feel a lot happier with chilli that is perfect to take along. You will enjoy the evening a lot better without the stress. As for the host, I would not worry, she will have to get used to it if she wants to get to know you better You can chat and explain more on the day. Hope you have a fab time

Thanks so much for everyone's replies. I feel more confident now to take my own food. I have spent nearly 30 years trying to hide my allergy because I have been ridiculed and at times bullied about it. DH Is brilliant and is ready to jump to my defence. Shame I don't know more people like everyone on this thread in real life!

Take your own food, and your own spoons come to that. DD does that, very difficult for hosts to understand some of the complexities. Protect your health.

There are some good websites out there if it's something you struggle with - there's one called allergygirl by an American food writer, quite good on how to have assertive conversations.

allergicgirl.blogspot.co.uk/

Might be worth making it clear that you would trust her not to add nuts to the food, and that it's more that simple ingredients can be contaminated which would obviously be beyond her control. Then she can't really take it personally.

if I had a guest with a nut allergy I think I'd prefer them bringing their own food. If she doesn't like it tough. Your health is more important

Will you need kitchen and oven/hob space to prepare your own food? I can see how the host might think that is a slightly odd request.

No firecanal. I am going to take already prepared just need to zap in microwave. Wish me luck!

Good job you are not coming here...no microwave!!

Providing you explain the reason, I don't think there's a problem in taking your own food.

I'm a coeliac and DS has allergies so I tend to take my own food. Most people are just relieved tbh.

These guys seem really good and I am sure they will be able to reassure you on the spice contamination issue if you wanted a curry option.