Aging mother and alcohol

[BlueGuineaPig]

First time poster, looking for thoughts. My 83 year old mother has been drinking heavily for over 30 years. My father died 20
years ago and the grief is as raw as if it happened yesterday. She gets so drunk each night that she slurs her words and will have no memory of conversations the day after. She will drink and drive too. She is constantly tired, lacking motivation, depressed, wears dirty clothes, but still functions well. She has no desire to give up alcohol, although I do have lucid moments where she admits she drinks too much. I have tried many interventions over the years including AA, speaking to the GP, grief counselling, alcohol counselling, and Mounjaro, but nothing helps. As she ages she appears to have a form of dementia and is now getting an MRI scan, so we await news.

I have lived in Australia for 10 years and find her visits very hard, although last time she came I said she can’t drink in my home and we had the best 2.5 weeks. She is now coming for 7 weeks over Christmas and dog sitting down the road for 4 of those, where she will sleep alone: I am looking for any thoughts or advice.

Her sister calls me and is so worried about her, wants me to talk to mum about doing rehab. My two brothers tell me to leave off her, to let an old woman enjoy life. One of my brothers lives here in Australia and says he loves ‘fun drunk mum’. He and his children are the ‘perfect’ ones she adores, which is a whole other story…

I appreciate any thoughts!

This is tough. The age is a red herring to some extent because you cant persuade anyone to stop drinking, they need to want to do it. Thats true whether they are 18 or 80. Having said that, I can understand why, at her age, you would make different choices about how you deal with it.

I think if I were you I would set boundaries I was happy with and willing to enforce (no drinking in your house seems reasonable) and otherwise I might leave her to and and try and enjoy what time I had left with my mum. That’s a judgement call though, you’ve got to do what you can live with.

I'm not minimising your pain but for your DM to get to 83, that's really good. I remember to DGM being diagnosed with lung cancer in her late 70's, she was a smoker. Dr's told her that giving up at that late stage would do her more harm than good. Indeed, she carried on smoking and lived for a good few years.
No advice but realistically at her age, if she's not harming anyone else, let her be.

My two brothers tell me to leave off her, to let an old woman enjoy life.

Presumably they're OK with the drunk driving and that one day she might kill someone as well.

My mother was almost the same - apart from admitting she drank too much. On the contrary, she'd call me and barely be able to get words out, while denying she was drunk. As she was in Aus and I was in the UK, there was nothing I could do - I have no idea if DB out there did anything.

Mine drank herself to death and died of a cancer left too long untreated. It's a shit situation and you have all my sympathy.

if she's not harming anyone else, let her be.

She's driving while drunk.

I have an alcoholic 79 year old mother and it breaks my heart. She has had problems with alcohol all my life I remember from teen onwards. I know it has deeply affected me.
My father protected her, restricted her drinking, got support for her in many ways ans still she wouldn’t stop. The more he monitored and controlled it, the more secretive and abusive she got. He got really unwell and it was the hardest thing watching her be responsible for his care needs when he deserved better. He died and it’s still raw.
My siblings and I stopped and restricted her drinking best we could. I really struggled with the idea of her being drunk at his funeral. We prevented that but she now regularly drinks a liter of wine a day or spirits. I don’t see how she survives it.
she doesn’t even hide it now.
Has no intention of giving up, but then again never did.

I guess what I am saying is, my dad with his full time attention couldn’t stop it with all his love and support. With my siblings and I busy lives and other caring duties, what hope do we have now of stopping her while she lives alone and uses alcohol long term to manage her emotions, anxiety, depression and poor sleep.
I am coming to terms with the fact I will loose her to alcohol.
Though I do feel guilt, which I hate, which stems from wanting to honour my father and his hope that one day she would stop.
If an alcoholic who has had lots of support does not want to stop-they won’t.
I’ve told her it makes me feel ill with anxiety being around her when she drinks-she falls, gets short of breath and generally gives me a feeling of doom.
Inhate it!
I am sorry you also k ow this.
I wish I could be like your brothers and not worry and see her as a fun drunk, but she is killing herself with a slow suicide that could be catastrophic any day.

There is nothing you can do to stop her drinking but you must do something to stop her from driving.
I don't feel a lot of sympathy for an alcoholic, I have seen the destruction they can cause , my sympathy is for you and everyone else on the receiving end of a drunk.

She needs to stop driving right now. Apart from that, it’s her choice really. She’s in her 80s, I’d agree you leave her to live her life as she wants. We all have to go somehow, and there’s nothing you can do to stop an adult drinking if she doesn’t want to stop. Just my opinion..

Twit.

You need to report her for drink driving, what if she kills someone and you knew she drinks and drives?!

It's OK if she wants to drink herself to death - but not by putting others at risk by driving.

When she comes take away her car keys and if she manages to get into a driving seat when she's been drinking call the cops of her.

She could injure or kill a child. I don't GAF about her Hurty Feelings.