New bf/ partner and alcohol.

[itsblues]

I am 50 and my new bf is the same age. His marriage broke up six years ago due to his wife’s alcoholism ,moving out driven mainly by his children’s distress and ultimately , wishes.
she had gone to rehab on a number of occasions and had found herself in dangerous situations ie drink driving/ care of others children. While in deep addiction. She was secretive about these things until she was unable to
gose it anymore . Covid restrictions uncovered the depth of addiction .
Hos teens and adult children only have a relationship with their father , my partner . The children refuse a relationship with her until she stops drinking but she hasn’t been able to do that yet. She is drinking heavily for the last ten years . Her addiction came
out of the blue when she suddenly began drinking several bottles of wine and ultimately spirits throughout the day/ evening and through the night which I don’t understand and she refuses family therapy while in rehab.
My partner enjoys alcohol. We both do and he has good capacity for it. He doesn’t drink alcohol mid week and sometimes will have drinks at weekends if we go out or if there’s an occasion or he may meet a friend for a few drinks on a Saturday evening .
I can take or leave drink. I do enjoy it of im
out but stopped drinking at home when I got divorced as it was becoming a habit and a crutch . That was some years ago.
Im petrified of alcohol . My
father and many relations were alcoholics and now im
worried that my partner drinks too much . Am I being paranoid here ? He definitely has bigger capacity than I for alcohol . And he has said that his wife and he always enjoyed weekend alcohol at home until it became problematic and he stopped . Why am uneasy I wonder ? Could anyone shed some
light please?

Throw this one back. You need to listen to your gut, which is clearly telling you he drinks too much.

Thanks for responding . This is the problem I have though … I don’t think he drinks too much and we chat every night so I know he’s not drinking outside of planned events . It is when he does drink, he has a great capacity for it so I’m confused between my childhood trauma surrounding parental alcohol addiction, his ex wife’s addiction and my
own skewed thoughts about healthy alcohol
consumption.

There's nothing you've written so far that makes it sound like he's anything but a normal social drinker. It doesn't sound like he's drinking on his own or taking every opportunity to have a drink. His children are clearly very aware of alcohol problems due to their mother but are presumably comfortable with his alcohol consumption.

On those occasions when he does drink, how much is he actually drinking? Does his demeanour change? Do you suspect he's drinking in secret? Or is it more that you've got a very heightened awareness of alcohol and so anyone who drinks more than you do puts you on high alert?

Yes I do have a very heightened sense of awareness surrounding alcohol consumption. It was drilled into me by my non drinking mother and wife of my
alcoholic father . It’s like im
always on high alert .
my partner is pleasant and chatty and his usual self when drinking alcohol albeit a little more affectionate and deep . If we were at an event over the course of a day evening eg a wedding g I may have six drinks and he may have eight drinks . I drink spirits and a large mixer , he drinks the same but likes beer whereas I don’t, so he may have two beers also.

I don’t think he is drinking in secret and he’s very open about his consumption eg I met my friend and we had two beers on Friday evening( and then he will ring me for a chat)

I, too, have a heightened awareness of alcohol consumption due to having an alcoholic as a father and as an ex-partner. But there really is nothing you've said about your BF that makes me think he's got an alcohol problem. He's not even drinking much more than you are.

You can, of course, choose to end a relationship with anyone for any reason. If his approach to alcohol makes you uncomfortable then it's fine for you to rethink the relationship. But, gently, based on what you've posted here I think this is more a you problem than a him problem.

So he's drinking 8 drinks to your 6 on a night out, and a couple of those are beers instead of shorts. If you're calling that a problem, then you've got one as well.

You are both exceeding the recommended amount consumed in one sitting. This is classed as binge drinking.

No. Not a night out. Over the course of a full day with plenty of food and water .

It doesn’t matter how you dress it up, it’s still over the limit for one day, for safe consumption of alcohol.

I don’t think that’s an unusual amount of alcohol on a day/night out.

How often does this happen?
yes it’s above the recommended limits and is classed as binge drinking but as long as his behaviour doesn’t change and it’s not an overly regular occurrence this wouldn’t bother me.

That’s a lot for you both to be drinking on a night out at 50.

6-8 drinks over a full day is not a lot. I have colleagues who would drink more on a night out! As long as that’s not every weekend and you’re having plenty of alcohol free days I don’t think it’s a huge issue. A slight over-indulgence every so often doesn’t equal addiction.

It's a tricky one OP as although the amount he drinks, and the amount you drink, are "normal" I don't think as you are now in middle age, it's actually healthy.

To drink that much even spread over a day would either leave you feeling pretty grotty the next day as it was such a large amount, or perhaps more worryingly, is leaving you/him feeling ok - which suggests that you are both somewhat habituated.

And I think you are probably more aware of that than he is. It's actually quite a common tension in couples because health advice points one way and social norms point the other, so each side feels very well justified in their opinion.

My views are very much on the drink is a body- ageing carcinogen that wrecks your sleep - yes there were alcoholics in my family too.

I do drink but in my 60s finally got it down to just single figures per week. And my dh has followed suit -partly because he's keen to stay slim.

So in your situation I would be looking forward, and thinking "actually we need to rein it in EVEN THOUGH WE PROBABLY AREN'T PROBLEM DRINKERS, because actually 'normal' drinking is quite unhealthy. How will dp respond if I start suggesting that a 2-3 units 2-3 times a week is where we should be headed by the time were both 55?"