How do you get them to see there's a problem?

[Worriedandsad76]

My SIL has a drinking problem. She is a nasty,bitter drunk and reserves all her vitriol for my db.(who is not blameless)She also hides it well. He has searched the house for bottles-recycling- no evidence. And she goes quickly. I've been with her and shes been fine, goes to the loo and is smashed. I also worry theres some cognitive issues as she repeats herself all the time. Shr gets falling down drunk.But shes in denial. Says she only has a couple of glasses to cope with stress. Doesn't drink spirits. My niece wont just call in with the kids because shes not sure what state she'll be in. She works, but is finishing(her choice)next week and we are all worried she'll just drink all the time. Her and db look on the verge of splitting(for other reasons)but again he thinks she'll drink herself to death if shes alone. We know we can't do much until she admits she hs a problem, but how can we do that? There has been robust conversations where they have said "look, youre drunk again. It got to stop" and she still denies it. How can we get through to her?

You can't, in short.

It is super sad but until she decides to change, this isn't even it - it could get worse. Until SHE changes it.

You can't force her. All you can do is protect yourselves from the fallout. The daughter is doing the right thing, protecting her self and her children from seeing it.

It's super sad. Someone loosely connected to me is an alcoholic. Every now and then there is a new 'we rang her up and she was smashed, so we had to go round and get the girls' type story.

I would encourage your brother to go to Al anon.

💐I’m so sorry you and your family are having to deal with this. You cannot force them to see that they have a problem. They will only carry on and you will drive yourself into the ground trying to help them and make them see sense.
It is so very sad, but this is the world we live in. Alcohol destroys lives and only the individual can decide to change.
Best advice I ever read was don’t assist. Let them clean themselves up/sleep where they fall etc. This could help them to realise exactly how far gone they are. Not in my father’s case, but I hope your SIL sees what she is doing to herself and her family and does something about it x

The core truth is that while you and I can look at her life and see that it would be so much better if she stopped drinking, she doesn't have to agree. You have no moral or legal right to insist that she live her life the way you think she should.

If they split up she might drink herself to death. Or she might finally realise how much her drinking has cost her and decide to do something about it.

If they stay together then equally she might drink herself to death. It's not like your DB's presence so far has stopped her drinking or stopped her treating him like shit when she's drunk.

There's a trite but nevertheless true saying in Al-Anon (the friends and family offshoot of AA) "let go or get dragged". The trajectory she's on is hers and hers alone.

Thanks for that advice. Id not considered AlAnon. We are seeing them on the weekend and I'll suggest it to him. It wore me out just being with her for a few hours so god knows what its like 24/7. And this sounds harsh but she's relying on me for emotional support as she has nothing and no one else. And ive got other layers of shite to cope with.

You can't get them to see anything as (in my experience) you'll just get called a judgemental cow and a bitch.

@Worriedandsad76 , this 👆🏻100%.

You can’t stop her drinking but you can stop being her emotional crutch. Step away and don’t get involved.

She already knows she has a problem but shes not ready to address it. The best your brother can do is to stop enabling her. It will give her a better chance to get to rock bottom. Him and the kids need to separate from her. She cant be left alone with the kids, esp if they are little. He needs to go to al anon. Simple to type difficult to action. Good luck with it. Hope she falls hard and fast to find her rock bottom and quit.

You don’t have to provide it. You can say she has an alcohol problem and needs to seek help and then withdraw support. It maybe better for her. Can you attend Al anon yourself?

Its tough because there's another massive issue that they are dealing with. Which is not of her making.She literally cannot talk to anyone else about it. So, reluctantly, we are providing support in our way to both of them. But can't cut off support for her for that, but the drinking gets in the way.

You are allowed to say "I'm willing to provide support to you but only when you're sober. If I think you've been drinking then I'll leave and come back another day."