I was told to put this here, as you guys might have better support for my message
Hi... I'm not sure if this is the place, but I'm so lost at this point... I'm trying anything. I thought about labeling it AIBU, but... I'm too torn between emotions to consider what position I stand in at the moment on a title. My fiancé and I have been together for 4 years; there is a big age gap, and a LOT of moving parts that play a role in the enormous mound of dysfunction that lies within our lives... but my biggest reason for coming here now is... he's got addiction problems, we have one child biologically, 2 stepkids that are his that range in ages, and I am currently pregnant with one on the way. I have left once for narcotic problems... problems that I just let happen because I did love him... and I wanted us to be a family, but I have an entire history of mental and physical abuse because of both drug and alcohol addictions from both my parents, (just making that clear, i am as sober as sober gets, i dont even drink ) . It, like, shell-shocked me to think that it was somehow creeping into my reality again... so I left, and he then promised never to do it again... and I came back, and he hasn't, but then he picked up drinking... and became extremely mentally abusive... the worst of things you could think... to the point of telling me he hated his life because of me... while I'm pregnant with our next one.... I left... again.. But he again swore off the drinking... hasn't drunk in a month, is now doing everything I asked, AFTER I LEFT! Yet again.. told me he didnt see it that bad, that he didnt know it was that bad meanwhile i was telling him every week, and his response was "lets just break up if you feel that way"... Im prettty sure i built a trauma bond with his actions, but we also have kids.. and they love their dad, no matter what he did, and i hid so much from them... but now, after i got to the true point of being done, hes doing everything right or at least trying to.. but i still feel so lost.. so broken.. so disconnected.. am i too far done to try and try and overcome what has happened.. and i wrong for feeling this way, while hes doing evrything i had wanted him to do all these years now.. am i wrong to think i should give me self the peace i know i feel when im not with him?... my biggest hurdle and stop is our son.. hes so young and loves his father.. and i see his father telling him in the later years that i was the one who ended it .. after he stopped the wrong crap.. I feel so conflicted, so... guilty for even thinking of breaking us up... but before this, I had finally found the courage to leave... but he begged me to come back... I don't know what to feel, say, or do... I'm sorry for the long message