How do I support my alcoholic mother?

[Charliecat03]

Hello, I am not a mother but a young adult seeking advice on how to help my own mother.
Throughout my childhood she was an alcoholic, and I had to look after her on my own during the worst period of her alcoholism. Obviously this and many things surrounding it have produced trauma for me.

She was sober from about 2016 to 2022, but has since started drinking again. She did her best to hide it for a couple of years but it is fully in the open now.
I have had a conversation with her about this and about my concerns, she says she feels she can drink now without it developing into a problem.
I expressed that I don't feel comfortable with her drinking or being drunk around me as it brings up allot of uncomfortable feelings, which I feel is a fair boundary as I don't see her very often.

I accept the fact that she is her own person who can make her own decisions and that she's allowed to do what she wants. I would like to believe that she can drink without it becoming a problem, but the past makes me nervous. My boundary of her not drinking around me hasn't been met...Which is fine I guess and just something I'll have to tolerate.

Anyways, my question for advice is; what can I do to prepare for if things get worse and she starts to decline again? How involved should I be, what boundaries do I put in place, how do I express said boundaries?
She has already started messaging me drunk to vent about her difficulties, so I worry that it is getting worse again.

Additionally I now live quite far away from her so I see her about every other month now when before I would see her every week or so, I make sure to catch up with her often but she is usually quite busy.
Her partner also drinks and actively encourages her to drink, even when I am present. Lastly, a very close family friend recently died due to their alcoholism, so this is definitely contributing to my Mother's mental state. I desperately do not want her to end up in the same situation.

Thank you for reading :)

I can really empathise with your situation.

These groups helped me immensely through my parents' alcoholism and I can't imagine how I would have got through the grief of losing my mum to alcohol and poor mental health without them. When you feel ready, please give them a good go.

al-anonuk.org.uk/

In my experience you can't (and maybe shouldn't) support her. She's not your responsibility, and as an addict she will eventually (or repeatedly) let you down/ betray you/ abandon you for her addiction. I think your job now is to work on accepting that.

Re boundaries, I don't really know - but don't bother trying to enforce any that are for her to honour, because she won't.

Your own boundaries - don't be around her when she's drinking? Don't talk to her on the phone when she's drunk? I don't know. I didn't bother with any of that - too risky for me. The thing that helped me was accepting that the drug comes first for an addict, no matter what they say. They will have no boundaries when it comes to that. That protected me from a lot of pain, once I accepted it.

If her drinking starts to become a problem for you then you cut her out of your life. She doesn’t get to have access to you when she is in active addiction. She is not your responsibility and you are allowed to cut her off without guilt because she is the one who has broken the boundary you put down.

I would have a conversation when she's sober.
I'd outline your boundaries regarding her drinking again. What your limits are and what you think are reasonable expectations going forward.
I wouldn't discuss your feelings with her because they are not important to her even if she says they are.
Do what is right for you and drop the rope.

You didn’t cause it
You can’t cure it
You cant control it

But you can look after yourself.
Please join Al-Anon.
Talking to your mother won’t achieve anything.

Sadly the best thing you can do is protect yourself. Your mother has chosen alcohol and that’s on her. You’ve already said your not comfortable with it, keep reminding yourself and her - when she starts ranting drunk in the evenings that this is not your problem and alcohol will only make whatever troubles she has worse. Go and live your life, don’t answer the drunken calls/messages, stay on your path. Keep focusing on yourself, sounds like you’ve done enough already and it hasn’t worked.

Best advice, sadly.

A boundary isn't something you impose on someone else to try to control what they're doing. A boundary is a personal escape plan in case you find yourself in a situation that's making you uncomfortable.

Saying "I don't want you to drink around me" is an attempt to control someone else's behaviour and that's unreasonable.

Saying to yourself "if I find myself in a position where someone else's drinking is making me uncomfortable then I will leave" is an entirely reasonable boundary. "I won't respond to messages from someone who I suspect is drunk" is another.

You don't need to make a big song and dance about it, you don't even need to tell anyone in advance what your boundaries are. Your boundaries are not other people's responsibility to follow, they're simply reminders to yourself about what your lines in the sand are and what you will do to protect yourself when those lines get crossed. All you need to say is something like "I'm not comfortable right now so I will be leaving" and then quietly go. There's no need to justify yourself, or argue, or defend your right to make this decision. Just go.

@Charliecat03 , this is the best advice you will receive. Xx

OP here, I'm shocked at how many responses I've gotten! Thank you all for your advice, I am very grateful. I think imposing boundaries for myself is a good idea as they are more under my control, and I will definitely have a look at al-anonuk :)

I don't think cutting my mum off is something I would do unless things got significantly worse. She isn't an aggressive or angry drunk (just a depressed one) and we have a very close relationship, so hopefully before the next time I visit home I can have a conversation with her about it all, a friend has also suggested having a conversation with my mum's partner about his encouragement of her drinking...
I'm feeling much more relieved after sharing this and being met with advice and empathy, thank you all :)

You can’t. Your job is to protect yourself.

Don’t call at times you know she is likely to be drinking. When you visit, book a hotel so you aren’t trapped at her house. If she wants to visit, insist she book a hotel and don’t serve alcohol in your home.

If you choose to have children, your job will be to make sure they don’t have to suffer any impact from the grandparent’s condition. You know what it was like. You make sure they never have any idea that there is something that could cause them distress.