Struggling to cope with my mum’s drinking after rehab

[pontipinemum]

I saw my mother yesterday for the first time in a few weeks. She looks terrible. Her house smelt of pee. Her fridge was full of out of date/ mouldy food. The microwave is disgusting. Washing machine is broken.

She is deluded, she thinks she can go back to work soon - she has been off for around 2 years now.

She told me she is 'only' drinking half a bottle of wine daily. The 2 massive bags of empty gin/ wine bottles tells a different story. She is out of rehab about 8 weeks and there were no empties there before she got home.

I know rehab is not a fix all or the full ''solution'' but she isn't even trying.

There is a massive back story of course! She largely left my up brining to relative until I was 12. Lived with an alcoholic, controlling, abusive man. Moved me in with them. It was a sh*te show.

I have done nearly 2 years of counselling specifically for adults who were abused and neglected as children. It has helped a lot.

But it still breaks my heart to see her like that and know I can't fix it. I do know it's not my job to fix it, but it was my job to cover it and make everything OK for decades.

She turned 60 this year. It makes me nearly cry (I don't cry) when I think of her actually dying but I know she most likely will soon. She can't eat properly

I just feel quite deflated by it all.

I don't think I have a question just putting my heart out there. I do go to al-anon. I have done ACOC and SMART family.

I’m so sorry OP, it is bloody awful watching someone you love slowly kill themselves and the lies about drinking are just an extra kick in the teeth. You can’t cure what you didn’t cause, I know you know that, but just take care of yourself x

I’m so sorry, OP. That’s a crap hand to be dealt. As PP wrote, take care of yourself and make sure keep boundaries in place. She’s in the throes of a dreadful illness that only she can make right. My best wishes to you and her.

@Jellybunny98 @SchnitzelAgain thank you. It is hard knowing i can't do much really bar encouraging but from a distance.

I think if she was even trying it would be better but she is not trying at all. Just thinks that the worlds owes her something and that the world will fix it.

I'm so very sorry OP. It sounds like a kind of living death for her. As others have said, there is nothing you can do to change the situation. Shes clearly still drinking heavily, not coping, and in denial about all of it. What a dreadfully sad situation

Sounds like you have accessed a lot of support for yourself - good for you. You sound really done with it all and I don't blame you x

@Lottapianos it is an awful existence for her. She sits on the couch watching day time tv and feeling hard done by. But thinks she is fooling everyone that she is really sick and it has nothing to do with alcohol.

I am trying really hard now to put in and maintain boundaries. She used to phone me daily for about an hour and it was all about her.

I have two toddlers, a husband, job, life so I am trying to live my own life. I have also had a few consultant appointments recently for PMDD management. And I have a surgery soon - it's not huge but I will be under general and need a few weeks to recover. She never asks me about any of it.

I have grieved her very near death many times in the last 8 years. The first being when she was in ICU for 3 week and I was told to prepare myself. It is an emotional rollercoaster. DH says to f*ck her and I wish I could just walk away but I can't

Sending understanding. I used to drink like that for years. It was my mum who eventually shocked me into stopping.
She tried for years, it wasn’t fair on my sn. One day, I just couldn’t do it to them anymore.
Not sure I would have been able to do it without some really hard talks from my mum though.
Could you go hard on her, but be very supportive at the same time. I know it’s not your job to do that,
People only give up drinking when they’re really scared of the consequences.

She has some sisters as well. They have had serious talks, and 'nicer' talks. One is a nurse who has told her many times she will be dead soon. Another told her she is selfish and needs to get up and start living for her daughter and grandchild who are still there for her.

I have told her she will be dead soon. When I saw her yesterday I wasn't yelling or giving out. But I did say to her not eating is a sign things have got even worse. I told her I have seen/ heard about it.

I have been mostly sober myself for 7 years. I drank from age 12 to 30. Went to a MH hospital for a few months. It was not easy and it was far from linear. But I got there. I think it's that she isn't even trying.

She seems to think I have a very 'lucky' life. I know every one experiences things differently but I know her child hood and early 20s were pretty OK. If she had any form of ability to self reflect she would know my childhood was textbook traumatic, my GP said I could be a case study.

I did tell her last year that I could not be around her when she is drinking. She went to rehab. But it didn't even last a day. She tells me things about going to meetings which I know are false. Or she tells me things I told her from my experience years ago.

When she was in ICU she was very close to death but that didn't phase her. She told me it was a rare genetic disease.

I do have compassion, empathy and understanding. But if she isn't even willing to try it is so painful to watch

You’ve done and are doing everything you can. Look after yourself snd just check-in on her when you can. It’s awfully hard as I spent a few years trying to persuade a friend to stop. She was in hospital every so often. She’s been sober over a year, but another friend died.
i met them both in alcohol support groups.
Best of luck and well done on getting help yourself!!

@Lizzbear thanks for the understanding. Sorry to hear about your friend x

@pontipinemum , huge well done on getting into recovery yourself. It must be incredibly painful for you on so many levels to be around your mother ❤️

You have a great achievement to be proud of, actually lots of achievements. And as much as life can be about luck, sobriety is about hard work. 🌷I’ve been there too.