Supporting a husband with terminal cancer and alcohol dependence

[MyLuckyRoseRaven]

My husband (mid 40s) and I have been together for five years and married for three. He’s an alcoholic, and I feel like it’s destroying both our lives.

The biggest complication is that he has stage 4 cancer. It’s incurable but currently treatable. At one point he was given less than 12 months, but after life-changing surgery and treatment costing well into six figures, his cancer is now stable.

I know the cancer is a big reason he drinks. He’s medically retired, depressed, and has little routine. But I also feel he uses his illness as an excuse at times. He’ll say he’s too ill to do any housework, yet stay up drinking until late. He drinks because the concept of knowing you’re dying is incomprehensible but he also drinks like crazy to celebrate something, or because it’s the football or because he’s seeing friends. Apart from occasionally cooking, he does very little because he’s either drunk or sleeping it off. His drinking was bad before the diagnosis but since it became terminal and since he stopped working it’s become as bad as it is.

I love him deeply and always will. I can’t imagine leaving because I genuinely feel I’m the one keeping him going and I would worry about him. I also don’t want to leave him because I love him so much. But I’m also so lonely, exhausted, and unhappy. I work full-time, manage the house, make sure he gets to treatment, and try to keep everything together.

He very rarely but sometimes drink-drives, and when he’s drunk he has a very short temper. He’s never been violent towards me, but I worry he’ll end up in a fight with someone else. The cost of his drinking is through the roof but he covers his share of the bills so feel like I can’t complain.

I also wonder if I’m enabling him by staying, making excuses, and covering for him. The whole situation is making me bitter and mean. And then I feel so guilty for meaning distant. As soon as I know he’s been drinking I withdraw and the atmosphere is tense and horrible, I can’t help it, seeing him drunk just turns my stomach. Every time he chooses to drink after I’ve asked him not to, it feels like he’s choosing alcohol over me. I know I’m being unfair though. It’s addiction and a disease that’s a result of horrible life circumstances.

I guess looking for other experiences, advice?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

There is a great quote about what an addict wishes that someone had told them, which includes the line:
”It is not your fault.
It is your responsibility”

In other words, it’s tragic that your DH has terminal cancer, and it’s completely understandable that he might turn to drink for escape. BUT that only goes so far as an excuse - and (1) this is having a massive negative impact on you, which he doesn’t seem to care about and (2) there are ways he could seek help, and take responsibility for his behaviour, but he’s choosing not to.

I’m not in a position to give advice on how to deal with someone else’s drinking, because I was the problem drinker - I’m 4 years sober now, and also have incurable cancer. But I can say you are NOT being unfair.

I hope someone with more experience of the other side comes along soon - you might also want to check out the thread “support group for those affected by someone else’s drinking thread 5” on the Alcohol Support board (sorry- I am rubbish at linking but it should be easy to find). Good luck.

Does not matter how much you love him
You are
so lonely, exhausted, and unhappy.
Does not sound like love
What does he give to you
Please talk to someone therapist / al anon .