Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

I think that @Hellodarknes55 ' DS drinking is a symptom of major mental ill health, and that is very difficult to deal with when the person in question doesn't want to engage with literally anything. Things like personality disorders can be treated, but as with addiction, the person has to want it and has to work incredibly hard at it. Until then, it's likely nothing will change, and all Hellodarknes55 can do is make one of two awful choices: Work with services to get her DS placed in sheltered accommodation of some kind, knowing that he will be at high risk of spiralling back into addiction alongside everything else, or share a house with a son who will not engage, will not care for himself, will in fact do nothing. It's an impossible situation and there are no easy answers.

@Hellodarknes55

I just want you to know that you and your DS are in my prayers. You're carrying a load that is more than most of us could bear.

Engage with the professionals for DS, and if you aren't already it may be a good idea to see a counselor for yourself, too. They may have tools to give you to help DS and also tools for you to cope. We're always here for you no matter what happens. Always.

Mental illness is so hard

@Hellodarknes55i kept wondering how you were doing and I’m so so sorry to hear that despite the not drinking things are still grim. But at least he isn’t drinking so that is something well it’s not nothing.and he is going to his weekly sessions.
is he too ashamed to talk to you? Is there no one else he relates to at all? I’m sorry I’m sure you’ve thought of everything. It’s just unimaginable what you are enduring.

I just want to say how sorry I am Hellodarknes55.

For your son, you, his Dad, and everyone who loves him.

What's his physical state? Is his liver decompensated? I'm concerned about the not eating much but throwing up.

I’m so sorry that things are so very hard @Hellodarknes55. it’s great he has stayed abstinent from alcohol but just sounds like a hideous situation for you. Massive hugs xx

Sending so much love to you @Hellodarknes55 . What a shitty situation. Being around someone who is unable to take care of themselves is so horrible. It's only now DH has stopped drinking that I can see how little he was taking care of himself. The smell in our house is completely different now.

Thankyou all for your messages.
my DS is a tricky character. He has spent years in his room.
Mental health has been bad for along time but he would completely refuse to engage with professionals even as a young teen.
BPD has been mentioned before and if I am honest, I have wondered about schizophrenia. He can be so many different versions of himself and we never know what’s coming down the stairs.
I would like to get him into something supported living wise but adult social services refused to take him on last time we spoke with them. I feel like my own life is slipping through my fingers and he feels like an impossible conundrum.
i don’t know if i could make him homeless to try and get support for him but that seems like the only route. I spend as much time as I can out of our house and at work.

thanks for being here but I am sorry we all are.

If you made him homeless he could end up in a b&b for months anywhere

@Hellodarknes55

I still have no words of wisdom for you, but want you to know I'm thinking of you all still. It is so hard when there just seems to be nothing one can do. I understand that 'officialdom' has to protect the rights of the individual, but it really stings when that protection means that someone who needs serious help can't be forced to at least engage with sources. It's the same here.

Duplicate deleted. MN doing that weird thing for me where it looks like a post hasn't worked and you end up with a double post.

He's still not drinking. Still grumpy but generally much nicer to be around. True test is going to be DS and his girlfriend coming for the weekend - lots of socialising and 10 cans of cider chilling in the fridge. He's had 8 alcohol free lagers today.

Does he like the taste or it’s the smell. Why drink % free

I really don't know. He NEVER drinks lager. It's really weird. I think he's starting to struggle now.

Actually he always claimed not to be an alcoholic and that he was only drinking because he liked the taste.

I think people drink %0 if alcoholics so they if they have a real one it will mask the smell

That’s really interesting @Thefellowship. I wonder why he is drinking so much AF cans. I’ve got no experience of just being able to stop as mine was physically addicted and never able to quit without terrible withdrawals that usually needed Librium to manage. How are you feeling about it all?

I haven’t heard from Ex for nearly a month. Since he had sent me a vile rant by email about six hours after “I miss you” and “I’m done with this life” emails. I assume he is alive because someone would have told me. I assume he is still drinking himself to an early death or someone would have told me if there was anything positive to report.

I think all you can do is try to think of this as 'blessed silence'. The problem is that if you contact him to see if he's still alive, you'll just end up opening a can of worms and potentially a barrage of unwanted emails. Even trying to ask a friend could result in them saying "Nogood was asking about you" or them thinking you want to get 'involved' in his life again. After all, if you called that must mean you care.

My DH's silences only last a few days if he's disabled the Ring. If he hasn't I get motion alerts. But if he has I'm very chary of calling him when I haven't heard from him for just that reason. It just starts the cycle all over again.

I've set myself a mental 'timeframe' of 48 hours. If I don't hear from him AND there's no motion on Ring at that point I'd probably call for a welfare check. But we've never made it that far.

It looks like he went to the ER this morning (Ring Cam). I've decided I'm not going to call round to see which one. They can get ahold of me or he can call me. He was sitting on the porch when they arrived so I know he wasn't in dire straits. I'm thinking of this period as 'blessed silence' since I know that, for now, he's safe and being cared for.

That’s a very good point. I haven’t checked in with friends but if I did then it would get back to them. Also it makes it more likely that they will contact me in a crisis and I don’t want to be dragged back in. I gave Ex my very best of efforts and it changed nothing. I won’t set myself on fire anymore because it didn’t even keep him warm anyway!!

@Nogoodusername I'm very sad. I nearly persuaded myself that I could just leave things as they are but I've tried that for about 2 years. I know separating is the right thing to do. Even if he stays sober I will ALWAYS be waiting for him to drink again.

I was considering writing a list of all the problems over the years caused by his drinking. But that feels pointless and negative. He has had so much support from me over the years that it really doesn't matter. It will never weigh up on his side.

And. If he can give up this easily then why did he never do it before? Friend said today that this could be the first time he has actually believed I would leave. So the stakes are higher than they have ever been. I still can't believe he will manage a month without drinking.

He's definitely not drinking. He looks like a different person.

When my DH stopped drinking for a year the first clue that things were going pear shaped was that he began drinking non-alcoholic beer.

I'm actually desperate for him to drink. I hate this feeling of waiting for him to start again.

@Thefellowship

I completely get that feeling. DH and I are legally separated and I have no intention of going back even if he does manage sobriety. I think you're feeling the same, that you want out even if your DH stops drinking?

So far I've been able to fob DH off with excuses and 'you haven't been sober long enough' (which is true) because I don't want that confrontation where I'm forced to say I'm never coming back.

So yes, there are times in his periods of sobriety where I actually worry that he will stop drinking because I'm not ready to be forced into that discussion. And frankly, he's almost easier to deal with when he's drunk. Mostly because he forgets what he was angry or upset about as soon as the conversation ends. But when he's sober he remembers more and is like a dog with a bone.

It's a Catch-22.