Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

In my case I said I can’t do this anymore. You are meant to not be drinking. You are drinking.

im not drinking

I got the vodka bottle he hid they I knew wasn’t there that am as checked

it’s an old one. I’m not drinking. Slurring

dh it’s obv you are drinking. You won’t stop. You lie. I want you to move out. I won’t be home tonight (working) tomorow when I’m home I want you gone

yes slightly easier for me as my house and he was pissed

you I guess share a home and payment qnd if not drinking can’t use what I said

So maybe @Thefellowship

I care about you, but your drinking has had a huge impact on me and on our marriage. I’ve reached the point where I no longer want to stay married. This isn’t a decision I’ve made lightly, but I need to move forward separately.”

or

“I’ve tried to cope with the drinking and hoped things would change, but I’m unhappy even though you are not drinking and I’ve decided I want to end the marriage. I wanted to tell you honestly and respectfully.”

or

I’ve thought about this for a long time, and I’ve decided I don’t want to be married anymore. Your drinking has had a serious impact on me and I’m no longer willing to live like this. I’m separating and I want us to work out the practical arrangements calmly.”

or

I care about you, but I’ve made my decision. I’m ending the marriage and I’m moving forward with a separation.”

Thank you so much! I just cannot seem to do it. There are these huge silences between us and I can feel it hanging there, waiting. But I think maybe he has no idea? Does he think because he hasn't drunk it's all ok?

We own a house outright 50/50. No savings, one car each of similar value. No other assets, I'd probably have to give him some of my pension maybe. He doesn't work, I do.

Yes he prob thinks as not drinking it’s ok. I think you wrote on here they you have him one more chance. So he thinks I’m not drinking so ……

why doesn’t he work ?

you only have to give pension if not clean break

i told ex we would be doing a clean break. Yes he argues when pissed and said he would take me for everything

but I kept saying clean break. Not having my pension. House is mine

and in the end fine Take me to court. Knowing he wouldn’t /couldnt

and I got him to sign the week before he got his uc. So that’s his best week. Usually sober and animable

He doesn't work because he is disabled. Stopped about 9 years ago. The pain definitely contributed to how much worse the drinking got but I do think the drinking has contributed to how much more disabled he has got.

@pointythingscan I ask how long your husband remained sober post rehab? Just needing a reality check I guess. Mine is now not drinking for 6 months. He’s attending AA daily . Says he’s really relieved and glad he’s no longer drinking . We’ve just had a short break away which went well. He’s gradually returning to himself with some strange things like a big preoccupation with his health .But I still feel on edge all the time. It’s so exhausting
i know everyone’s story is different. My therapy starts this week so im hoping that might help

Ah sorry to hear that

6mths. Thats great @wouldratgerbeunknown. Tho get it’s still on egg shells for you

how are you doing ? As sure all are praising him. But people forget about the ones who do the supporting and the bad times you went through

Thankyou penguins. I think he’s beginning to acknowledge how bad things got. He said yesterday about father’s day that he didn’t deserve any thing after what he’d put us through last year.
but yes egg shells for me plus our life has changed so much not really seeing people or socialising because everywhere involves drink.
my son especially is still angry but he did come over with a nice gift .

@wouldratgerbeunknown mine lasted a whole 3 weeks after coming out of rehab. He attended a meeting a week for the first two of those weeks, that was it. Meetings are sparse here and he didn't drive, but I would have taken him and he knew that. He wasn't even trying. Yours very much is.

The stress you are experiencing is long term and therapy will help. People in my RL group report it lasting north of 3 years, so take all the help you can get.

Thankyou @pointythingsi feel bad coming on here and complaining but you people are who I’ve got the most support from. I think a real life support group would be great but as far as I can see there isn’t one here. I’ve tried online maybe I’ll try again.

You aren't complaining! Your anxiety is real, and it's a real life part of being with an addict. Knowing that the struggle doesn't end when recovery starts is helpful. I wish you strength, I wish your husband ongoing recovery and I hope you will stay on these threads to share your wisdom with those who come after.

Def don’t feel bad complaining @wouldratgerbeunknown- we are all here to support each other

you have still had to deal with what we are dealing with now

you also have imo an added stress as you will be always wondering

nice they dh does acknowledge life was shit for you

can’t friends come round and not drink for the night ? Or go out for a meal and have a Coke or %0 beer if need be

@wouldratgerbeunknown

No matter our personal stories, I think we all like to hear a success story. And I agree, now is time to focus on you and your therapy.

@Thefellowship

I was escorted out by the sheriff so there was no 'big discussion' on why I was leaving before I left. When we did talk, though, I simply told him I wasn't going to live with him because of the way he was treating me. TBH at that point I didn't really know it was 'forever', those feelings came a bit later after his abusive behaviour escalated AND after I began seeing things in our marriage that I hadn't really allowed myself to acknowledge before.

But I think for you the thing to remember is that anyone can end a relationship for any reason. You don't really have to 'justify' why you're leaving and just because he's not drinking that doesn't mean you have to stay. Remember, you are not responsible for his sobriety. You can say "I'm no longer happy in this marriage. I feel like too much water has gone under the bridge to 'fix things' so I've decided the best thing for me is to leave".

Well he’s now told me brother nephew a friend he has lung cancer but not his eldest daughter

he Also said he hasn’t drank for 4mths which we all know is bullshit

but he had an Empty bottle on top of his bin in the kitchen which dd saw as put rubbish in

I feel sad they she had to listen to his lies. We both didn’t say anything as didn’t want to cause a scene as dd was there

I wonder if booze has killed off his brain. To be that stupid and put in the bin knowing we were coming round

when pushed story went from having cancer. To doc saying he might have it / to having a scan months ago

i said if they thought that would go down the 2w cancer pathway

he looked so skinny and frail and struggled to walk with crutches

can booze make brains work less

did we say like wet hamster tail to something similar

yet when hasn’t drunk for a few days he can walk quite well

Yes booze definitely makes people stupid. And alcoholics have to believe they are cleverly hiding everything even when all evidence is to the contrary because it is all part of deceiving themselves.

DH walking much better and still not drinking. I asked him how he was finding it and he said it had made no difference whatsoever.

Oh, alcohol makes them so stupid. I found out about his relapse because I came home after a night away with the DC and saw all the signs. Asked him straight out if he'd been drinking, he said no and went back into the living room. So I nudged his backpack, which lived in the corridor, heard the clink, had a look, empty litre bottle of cheapo vodka. In the past I'd have left it, this time I took it in and asked him 'What's this then?'

And just before everything kicked off over Christmas, we were again out overnight (a respite night away) and when I walked into the living room, he was halfway through surreptitiously tucking his current bottle behind the sofa.

They really are stupid

quite sad really

You know, I can almost deal with alcohol making them stupid, what I have a hard time with is alcohol making them think we're stupid. DH has occasionally come out with some really lame excuses, 'threats', or ideas and I know that in the 'before times' he never would have tried to pull the wool over my eyes with such stupidity. The best so far is that 'the police' told him that since I was the one who moved out that means the house now belongs solely to him. Sure.

What @Penguinsandspaniels 's ex just tried to pull with the 'cancer thing' is the type of stuff I'm talking about. Do they think we just fell off the turnip truck? It's insulting.

did we say like wet hamster tail to something similar

I finally got around to googling. Poor little hamsters. But I think 'wet brain' doesn't engender quite the amount of sympathy that wet tail does. At least it doesn't from me.

The mental decline must be genetics or something. DB was a severe alcoholic for decades, straight vodka. He's sharp as a tack and has the liver of a 30 year old and he's in his 70s.

I think he actually believes it himself @AcrossthePond55. That he doesn’t think he is lying - does that make sense

yes poor hammy. Def not their fault.

glad your db is fighting fit now after all his drinking

ex liver seems to be fine. We know his pancreas isn’t due to booze

I think his skin is staring to look yellow and sallow but how can that be if livers ok ?

Alcohol Related Brain Damage is definitely a thing. And being drunk can make people do and say idiotic things. My DH would swear blind he didn't have a bottle on his person when it could be seen very clearly sticking out of his pocket -or on one memorable occasion -from the front of his trousers. All I can suggest is that you don't engage when they talk nonsense because it saps energy for no result.

@Penguinsandspaniels Who knows. Maybe 'just plain jaundice' doesn't affect the liver the way that cirrhosis does or show up in the tests?

I saw DH briefly in the ER on Thursday and he just looks really bad. Not like ill per se, but just drawn and his eyes were sort of droopy and very red. He hadn't been drinking. And he looked like he's aged.

His doctor called me today and she's written a referral for a SW to visit him. I don't know what will come of it, but we'll see.

And I totally get them believing their own stories. Or somehow they know it's a lie deep down but can have a 'surface believing' because they think it'll get them what they want. Like his going from cancer to maybe cancer to I had a scan. Like they believe it when they say it, but when pushed have to admit the truth

@CharlotteByrde

All I can suggest is that you don't engage when they talk nonsense because it saps energy for no result.

That has been a hard long road for me but I think I've finally gotten there. I've noticed lately that when he does the nonsense and I SOOOO want to reply, a small voice says "Don't even bother" and I'm able to just remain silent.

Hello all.
i have been skating round the edges of this page trying to cope with my own life but today I need to vent. Apologies.

DS came out of rehab on 31st March and hasn’t drunk since. I think he would be described as white knuckling. No AA or addiction support. He does have DBT. He made a very serious suicide attempt which I posted about weeks ago and was hospitalised for just under a week.
i think his body is utterly wrecked.
current status is he does nothing. Barely eating, drinking tons of fizzy drinks and juice. Sits in the dark in his room practically all the time. Awake most of the night (getting McD delivered at 5am) then sleeps most of the day.
Dr is trying to slowly get his anti depressants and adhd meds up.
He goes out once a week to his DBT. That’s it.
I can smell him from downstairs and it’s not alcohol now. It’s just grim stench of a person who doesn’t wash, eat, change clothes or bedding.
Wont talk to us, avoids us all the time. We have offered to get a gym membership going, bus ticket, new clothes.
He seems to be throwing up on a regular basis.

Partner and I feel utterly at sea. We are both trying to take care of ourselves but there is such a hopeless darkness in our home.
Not drinking for 12 weeks (today) is an achievement that I actually didn’t think he would manage. I try to congratulate him but I can’t see any future.
sorry to be a moaning mum.

I knew this part was going to be hard but holy cow, dealing with all this with zero mental reserves is another level.
partner and I both medicated and having weekly reflexology. That hour each week is pretty much the only time I feel happy.

Sending best wishes to all of you on here. This sucks so much.

Never apologise @Hellodarknes55. This thread is for us all thanks to @pointythings

im sorry ds is struggling - you would hope that now sober he can see a light at the end of the tunnel but seems not

must be so hard when your child

why is he not eating /going out or even talking to you

sounds like there is more going on