Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

You are likely to feel that way for a very long time

there is another poster on here whose dh is still sober - been 3/4mths I think

yes it can happen

it I totally get your worry and always wondering

When will house be sold @AcrossthePond55 or will you make sure bills always get paid

I know you said your assets are split but you will remain married for the pension /life insurance ?

i sometimes wonder if they such a good idea and would you be happier with a clean break

no need to have to deal with him

@Penguinsandspaniels

Getting the house sold is going to mean a new court case (and mucho dinero) because I'll probably have to get a 'forced sale' signed off by a judge and that will mean an eviction for him. And since there's no one else, I'd be the one to have to find him a place to live and arrange the move. I'm just not ready to deal with that yet. Plus it will probably mean I'll have to pay up front for any clean up although I'd be able to claim half of it back out of the profits. But that's an 'unknown' because with the state of the house who knows if there will be any profit at all over what his share would be and what I 'owe' him for the asset I kept. So I could pay out big bucks to get it sold and still end up out of pocket. The time will come when I'm wiling for that just to get rid of the place, but again, that's not today.

Yes, all assets split, the house is the only remaining 'joint' asset other than the 'house bills' joint checking (which contains only his money) but it will soon be 'tenants in common' although I don't think anyone would be interested in purchasing half a house.

I guess subconsciously I'm hoping that APS does get involved and they put him under a conservatorship. Then I'd be dealing with a 'professional' to get rid of the house as chances are he'd be admitted to some type of memory care facility. And they would have to see that his share of cleanup is paid for. That would remove the burden of responsibility from my shoulders. Not 'responsibility' as in I caused this, but as in we did have many wonderful years and there were many times he was truly my rock. I guess that engenders my feelings of compassion and not wanting to hang him out to dry.

TBH, even if I had divorced him I think I'd still be doing what I'm doing. The day may come when I can turn my back on him completely, but that day is not today.

You are a better woman than me !

so he’s happy to provide the money for the bills. Assume works somehow /has money

yet isn’t capable to make sure bills are paid

ex hasn’t paid council tax in new flat or parking fines from when we were together

I’ve had bailiffs round x4 I think - and now they finally send him letters to flat

think they are now taking ct off his uc before he gets it

tbh maybe they should do that to all his bills

DH is drinking alcohol free lager this evening. Lots of it. Not sure if this is a sign of everything going wrong?

He has 1 x 2l bottle of cider plus 10 cans in the house. 3 x 2l bottles in the car. I refuse to tell him to get rid of them. I give him 48 hours.

Oh dear

he really needs to stay off the taste and smell of booze

dx wouid have becks blue to hide the smell of beer

this was when vodka was mild

would you know if he was drunk

You want him to fail don’t you

and they fine as he has put you through hell and you know that he can’t stop

you have him a chance and an ultimatmation

@Thefellowship mine did about a month sober after his threats to kill/removal by police/permanently leaving the house. He seemed different, serious about not drinking.

Until the day I came round to bring by his mail and saw a few empty cider tins on the counter. It took a couple of weeks before he was up to full drinking again to the point where I could smell him before he made it downstairs from his flat.

@Penguinsandspaniels

We're both retired on good pensions. His pension goes into one remaining joint account, I 'hold' back' an amount for the bills then transfer the rest to his sole account. I honestly don't know if he realizes that or if he thinks I'm paying the bills out of my income. I'm saying nothing, I'm not about to poke that particular bear! I just want to be sure that the mortgage etc gets paid every month. I have as much interest in that as he does. He may be living there, but I don't want the house to go into foreclosure and I couldn't pay my rent AND the mortgage if he eff'ed things up.

I honestly think he is incapable of paying bills on time or in budgeting to be sure there's money there to cover them. Everything's pretty much on auto-pay for the house bills but every so often something pops up that needs a cheque.

If he ever does stop drinking and suddenly wants to know the ins and outs of the bills, well, I'll cross that particular bridge when I come to it!

@Thefellowship

Of the 'real stuff' you mean or the alcohol free?

I was told that if they buy alcohol just to leave it. If we nag them to throw it out or if we throw in out ourselves, they'll just go get more. It's up to them to control themselves.

IIRC you're hanging in there for a specific timeframe (30days?) but remember that you don't have to stay if you don't want to. And I'm pretty sure you don't want to whether he stops drinking or not. So go if you want and feel no guilt. Lord knows he's probably broken enough promises to you!

Yes of the real stuff. From before he stopped. It has remained exactly where it was. He doesn't normally drink lager at all so alcohol free lager is a strange choice and I think a slippery slope.

I am waiting for a month - this is day 8. I've decided to split either way and will try to talk to him about this over the weekend.

Makes you wonder if he knows what he gets via pension wise minus by the time you have paid the bills for him

ex def can’t budget and spends all in first 2w and then moans how skint he is last 2w

I’m quite sure he won’t last the month

and drinking %0 means a smell is there ans would it hide the real stuff if he buys new out of the house

either way doesn’t matter. You have decided enough and that’s fine

Another call. He now has lung cancer - sobbing while talking to me.

not long left on this earth

I can’t work out if he actually believes his lies or actually thinks he has

As we have twin addicts @Penguinsandspaniels… Ex frequently declares lung cancer/ failing liver/ bowel cancer/ heart failing. With him, he has had tests and scans of all those organs, but mainly he googles his symptoms while waiting for results which are always clear (at least half of these symptoms miraculously go in his post rehab periods of sobriety) and finds the worse case scenario. I actually think he would like to have cancer as no one feels sorry for his ruined life anymore as after four years of chronic active addiction, we are all bored and out of ‘poor you’. All the sympathy that yes addiction is hell and you have lost a lot (now everything) doesn’t get him back into treatment or trying again so what’s the point. Cancer would mean pity again and that is what he would like.

now you know your Ex best, but surely he would have rang you the day he got any bad medical news which wouldn’t be a Saturday?

Oh the doc rang him today to tell him. And he told me only. Not his dd or his brother. Just sobbed down the phone to me

sure if I mention it tomorow he will deny it

our’s ex are def twins 😂

Still no booze. Still no side effects. He is grumpy today. Am going to talk to him tomorrow and say I think we should part ways. Spoke with a friend who who I have know since we were 8. She said you obviously haven't been in love with him for a long time so go for it.

Terribly sorry to hear about the outbreak of cancer @Penguinsandspaniels . Sending thoughts and prayers 😂

Exactly @Thefellowship - you don’t need to wait for him to relapse for it to be over, it can be over because you don’t love and trust him anymore and he doesn’t make you happy.

For a long time, I thought I would go back to Ex if he managed sobriety for six months or a year, but now I never would - it’s hell being in a relationship with an alcoholic, always waiting for the shoe to drop (not that I ever had to wait long - longest was three months). I don’t forgive him for how he treated me either. It’s done.

Well done @Thefellowship for making that decision. It is hard saying no more even tho we know doing the right thing but to sort out divorce /separating with kids is hard

I wouldn’t be suprised if he starts drinking one you tell him

the grumpiness may be due to withdrawal of struggling with no booze

so sorry your ex has the same ailments @Nogoodusernameand yes he would def would love to have cancer to get sympathy and pity and more importantly pip

again I was the same when we split. If he would only drink at weekends or be sober for 3/6mths then start drinking again.

it is totally hell and I would Always be wondering and doubting and waiting for him to relapse

It’s a good point @Penguinsandspaniels. they do get really grumpy and mean when they are resisting the cravings to drink, even worse when abstaining from coccaine in my experience. Coke made Ex utterly vile

Fortunately I dream very little about my late husband but when I do and he has come back into my life I am always anxious and do not want him there as I have built a better life without him. Waking up is a relief.

It is impossible to forget what has happened, so have confidence in your decisions about what you want your life to be going forward

@Thefellowship your OH is white knuckling it - not addressing the reasons why he drinks excessively, with no drinking but all the behaviours of the alcoholic still firmly in place.

And yes, you are allowed to divorce for whatever reason you have. If mine had stayed sober and worked at it properly, our relationship would have been mendable - he was making such progress when he was in rehab, not just in terms of not drinking but in how he behaved towards all of us. It was like having him back and made me feel the man I married was still in there. For you it feels as if it is very different.

And in any case, it all crashed down for me anyway.

He has been so much nicer to be around. But he is still slow and stupid. Conversations are irritating. I'm going to talk to him after the event we're at now. I'm not sure how to say it but it has to be done.

If anyone feels like giving me a script feel free!