Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

How about this for a head fuck:

DH has not drunk since Thursday after 1 week of cutting down. He seems to have had no ill effects.

His long term health condition has dramatically improved - he has just walked around without needing a stick to show me, swelling in legs has reduced massively, skin looks better etc

Apparently the GP has told him at his appointment today that it's too fast for an improvement in alcoholic neuropathy so he thinks it must be because he has been sitting down with his legs raised more - I think it's because his body is no longer trying to process so much fluid. But what do I know. He says he is "still not going to drink even though it is clearly not caused by that".

I feel like I'm going mad.

Sw get In touch ? Not sure they would in UK @AcrossthePond55

so he will stay there will walks ?

@Thefellowship ex can not drink for 2/3w depending on money situation and seem ok. Quite spritley tbh and can walk unaided etc

then when drinks he gets wobbly etc

so he’s been sober since thur. I wish I could say he will stay sober but I very much doubt it and give him a few weeks , maybe a month tops - sorry

he knows if he drinks that’s it ?

It certainly is! And yes, it's the same thing here, dry out and if capable they're discharged.

It must be so frustrating for the staff and a waste of their resources. Although this time they must have had some sort of concern with his heart. He's had heart trouble in the past so I get that they want to rule anything serious out now.

At this point, I'm really starting to become numb to it.

@Penguinsandspaniels

It's normal procedure for patients that are perceived to be 'vulnerable' and he's classed as a 'vulnerable senior' due to his drinking, memory issues, and living alone. The hospital could be found legally liable if they sent him home and 'something bad happened'.

At this point they're running the heart tests then he will be 'assessed for discharge'. That part is kind of a joke. It consists of "What is your name", "Do you know where you are", 'Do you know what day of the week it is", "Who is the president". If he can answer those questions, they'll discharge him.

@Thefellowship

You aren't going mad. Bottom line is that you can't trust what his GP 'allegedly' told him so take it with a grain of salt.

Well he can’t stay forever and use a bed that someone actually needs and haven’t caused to theirselves

I doubt he will maintain it. It all feels very weird. I would like to talk to his GP but that comes under the heading of trying to control it I reckon.

I was expecting him to be an absolute mess by now. I'm 99% certain he isn't currently drinking. I'm also 99% certain I am done with him whether he gives up or not. I love him and I will be his friend but I can't be married to him any more.

Bumped into a friend who is a recovering alcoholic yesterday and had a really good chat with him.

I imagine that it will get very much harder for DH when it's not a standard day. Because he drinks if he's tired, excited, happy, sad, bored, celebrating, commiserating, cross, anxious etc etc etc.

I do feel like I'm in a parallel universe. How is he finding this so easy?

I’m always really surprised when I hear about addicts who can just stop cold turkey. My Ex would start withdrawing overnight - sweats, thrashing about in his sleep, then nausea and vomiting, BP really high. It got worse with each relapse to be honest. But that does make two of you on this board alone whose addicts can!

I agree @Thefellowship, Ex too would drink for every emotion - stress, anxiety, boredom, grief, anger, frustration, happiness, excitement. You name it, drink. Despite all the rehabs and relapses, groups and support workers etc, he never managed to move onto a different way of coping with feelings. Never will. Too hard, can’t be bothered, relapsed too many times to try again - different day of the week and a different reason. But ultimately, I have had to accept that he is gone and rebuild my own life.

i still feel so many emotions about Ex. It’s actually really annoying as it’s a year on now. I haven’t even seen him in person for about 9 months. Sometimes I am really sad and nostalgic. I often think about his lovely DC and hope they are getting on really well without him
in their lives. Today I am very pissed off with him!!

Do you see his dc /your step kids ?

No. Their Mum has a lot of anger at me (which I can understand) from when I was enabling him. She feels that I stopped him from reaching rock bottom and that the kids were harmed emotionally in the process by his instability and the inconsistency of contact which scared them.

I do have a lot of guilt when it comes to those lovely DC. I didn’t know then what I know now. I thought/ hoped he would be able to turn it around for a long time.

Oh @Nogoodusername. You know you can’t blame yourself - we all hope they can turn it around and stop drinking and be the better man

sounds like ex didn’t stop the kids from seeing him when he was with you , so she must take some blame as well if she is blaming you. She is the mum

@Nogoodusername

I didn’t know then what I know now. I thought/ hoped he would be able to turn it around for a long time.

As the wise Dr Maya Angelou said "You did then what you knew how to do. Now that you know better, you'll do better". There's no point in kicking ourselves for what we 'knew how to do'.

@Thefellowship

I'm also 99% certain I am done with him whether he gives up or not. I love him and I will be his friend but I can't be married to him any more.

This is exactly where I am. I will probably love DH until the day I die but I can't live with him anymore. Sometimes we just have to put 'me' first. And another old saying, one we repeat here often; "No one is required to set themselves on fire to keep another person warm".

Thanks. Contact broke down fully about two months before I walked away for good. Basically when it became clear that he was never going to get out of this relapse and his DC got bigger and found Dad weird and different when drinking and started disclosing as such to school. SS involved etc. She probably was angry with herself too. I haven’t tried to reach out to her in a long time now. I think she wants to put all reminders of Ex behind her and the DC unless he is sober for a long time. She also has ended contact with one of the grandparents and other family members who she felt enabled or covered

Addiction is so shit for families. I made bad choices. Not out of malice but because it’s really hard to make good choices in an insane situation that is not of our making. That quote that @AcrossthePond55 posted by Maya Angelo is so good.

I def don’t love ex dh. He killed my love for him with the lies and his behaviour

I I actually think he is a psychopathic liar

the stuff he says about me is hideous and I hope people don’t always beleive it

I know I shouldn’t care what other think but I do esp if not true

but then He tells lies to other people

I have that maya angelou quote in my room at work! I teach the kids about it.

Another I’m done on sm. people reply and then he disappeared all evening /night

I hate the mind playing games

One of my least favourite Ex traits was also the “I’m done” messages (usually direct to me and maybe a family member or two ) and then vanishing. Luckily he doesn’t have or use SM so now I’ve blocked him I don’t have to put up with it at all.

poor me, poor me, pour me another one huh

orrrrrr maybe get yourself into treatment and do the hard work of sobriety and recovery

Mine went completely missing a couple of times, once for several days. It was terrifying but when he was found and brought home, he wasn't one bit bothered by the distress he'd caused. They totally lose the ability to empathise or indeed to care about anything except their next drink.

I’ve said before you really could be me. We have such a similar situation and ex behaviour is so the same

I don’t see his fb unless I go hunting for it but had friends text me saying he’s doing the usual - which only means that. The I’m done. Message

DH doesn't pull the "I'm done" thing very often and he usually retracts it right away since he knows it means a 5150 hold & possible involuntary committal to a psych hospital.

His is usually a vague "I need help" or "I'm not well". I just tell him to call 911. I hate to do that because I know they have better things to do but I'm sick of spending 20-30 minutes of my day (multiple times) trying to explain that he needs to sober up and get help.

He called me this morning to let me know he'd bought beer. Why he felt that need and what he expected me to do, I don't know. I just told him that since he'll be drinking today that I will not answer the phone to him. If he has something 'important' to say he can text or leave a voicemail.

On the upside, I'm getting ready to spend the weekend with DS2 and his DP. I'm putting my dog in a kennel overnight (they have cats) and this will be the first time I've been 'away' since I left. I'm really looking forward to it. They live in CA 'Wine Country' although that's not a big draw for the 3 of us as we're all pretty much teetotal these days. It's still a gorgeous area with lots to see and do.

Aaaannndd, EMS is at his door @ 8.38am, he's on his way to the ER.

Oh if only nhs would do that. Might stop the stupid mind games

Mine had several welfare checks, usually instigated by his cousin who didn't quite get it. After a few of those and talking to me, she stopped. I didn't want to have to educate her about addiction, but she needed to know.

DH continues to not drink, continue to feel fine. Any improvements to his health are still being attributed to other things. It is infuriating.

He had a bad stomach yesterday (bowel is still bad but improved bladder function). He puts it down to starting sertraline. Despite the fact his bowels haven't worked properly for years.

I'm still waiting for it all to go wrong.

At this point all you can do is keep your emotional guard up until you are ready to leave.

So, DH had 2 trips to the ER and back home about 12 hours apart. All I can feel is pity. For him and for EMS and the hospital staff.

I have a feeling that another referral to APS (Adult Protective Services) will be made. But multiple have been made and nothing happens. He has a watertight roof, food in the house, and the bills are being paid (by me to avoid foreclosure). They don't have the right to enter the house and he won't let them in so they don't see the condition he's living in. And under the law, he is allowed to be a drunk, even to drink himself to death. And he always manages to pull himself together if he has to deal with 'officials'. All I can do is stand back and watch.