On A Mission To Moderate or Absolutely Abstaining? Join us for encouragement, support and non - judgemental chat.

[Amdone123]

So, January is done and dusted - Praise the Lord. Following on from our last thread ( which was initially designed to help us moderate, but for some has - maybe - led to abstaining, thanks to how great they're feeling ), a new thread has been created.
So, if you're looking to abstain or want to moderate, or just need to chat in general, join us here.
Hallo to previous posters - onwards and upwards.

@Determineddoris i have definitely been there too. It’s so easy to fall into that pattern. I would be thinking about when I could tart drinking from the time I got up and any excuse would be found. I would seek out friends who were the same so I could feel like it was normal. I think there is a lot of things on TV, social media etc that normalises drinking for mums and makes us feel like we deserve it in some way. I love Motherland but this is one of the culprits - drinking gin tins at sorts day at 10am! There’s no denying that the initial feeling of that first drink is nice. Unfortunately the first drink leads to many more so often. I have some embarrassing memories relating to drinking too much around the kids that I try not to think about. Most of the time I’m ok and they don’t seem to notice but there are a few times I find it hard to think about.

@Coppergate3 i think I’m just the same as you. If I’m AF I can keep it up, once I start drinking a little bit it’s easy to slide back into drinking a lot. This thread has definitely helped me to moderate better or to not beat myself up if I have a bad day - just get up and get back on track.

@Amdone123 congratulations on your new job. I know things were a bit stressful at your current one. I hope you had a nice day with your friend. Although I did well on Saturday it has really affected my weight - red wine always does that but I really like to so I’m not going to ever not have it again. I’ll just have to take the hit occasionally.

@Swannyb , sorry to hear about your dog, it's so worrying. I love my little dog - I'd be truly lost without him. It's great though that you're in a good place mentally and looking after yourself.
@Bigbus , thanks. I'm looking forward to a new start.

@Swannyb i think I posted at the same time as you. Sorry to hear about your dog. We had to let go of our old cat earlier this year - we’d had him longer than the kids and my eldest is nearly 17. It’s really tricky xx

Great thread. Have been lurking a bit but would like to join.

I know I drink too much. I find it easy to do a dry week when I put my mind to it, but even so, drinking has become too easy, used far too frequently as my 'wind down' method. It's bad for my health, my skin, and I worry I am not setting good example for my kids. Not to mention the empty calories and my dreaded stomach 😳

Would like to follow my old approach of no alcohol on a school night. Wine as a Friday/Saturday night treat. However, I need a substitute for my wind down after stressful day at work as my go to is a glass of wine. What do you do as alternative?

@bawchops , hi and welcome.
We sound very similar - I can do it when I put my mind to it, but yes, it's a slippery slope.
If I were you and I didn't want to drink Mon to Fri, I would :

1. not buy it / have it in - too tempting
2. stock up on af drinks - I have sparkling water and lemon, but others on here like af beers - they are surprisingly good. Just not for me.
3. I make more of an effort to get to a zumba class - it's hard sometimes, but I literally force myself
4. I like a nice bubble bath, fresh pjs, some self care, a good book
5. I keep a journal and log af days and how much better I'm feeling !
6. save the money. I'm.so much richer when I'm af

Sorry, I got carried away.
I probably do a lot more but these ones are the ones I'll be doing from 1st June !!

Hi,

Can I join?

I don't want to blather on so I will try to summarise. I have a horribly addictive personality. I am autistic and have ADHD. Only diagnosed last year. I am 42. I can control my addiction if I have a solid routine. I need routine. For over ten years I have had that with my job. At my desk by 7am. It all went fucked up when husband had a series of massive strokes in January, during heart bypass surgery. He is now left with a plethora of disabilities and I am his carer. The lack of routine and stability has allowed my demon to arise and I have been drinking every night since March.

@QueenofKattegat , wow, that's a lot to cope with. Of course you can join us - we'll help all we can.
Tell us your plans for tomorrow, this week or this month, and we can work together to help you.
You're not on your own ❤️

Hi Amdone123 and thanks for replying to me.

Plans - we have none. This is why I am in such a mess. We have nothing to do. No money. Can't drive anywhere (the strokes have left him partially sighted). All we have is sitting in our garden. And we live in a 2 up 2 down terraced house in the north so our "garden" is a back yard!

What a pile of self indulgent pity porn that is.

@QueenofKattegat hi, I’m so sorry you have such a lot on your plate. You’ve joined us here so that is a huge step in the right direction.

Sorry I vanished over the weekend. I made a complete mess of moderating. I have decided that drinking in moderation is not going to work for me. I reward myself for a few days AF by drinking even more on my ‘drinking’ days. Today is day 1 of abstaining for me. Maybe I will never drink again, who knows. I feel determined. I have started a journal and am reading the wine o’clock myth just now.
I really need to remember how bloody good I feel about myself when I climb into bed after a day AF, and then I feel brilliant again when I wake up and remember that I had a night with no drink. It feels a million times better than the wine buzz that is always tinged with guilt. There is no guilt in an AF day, quite the opposite. I’m going to embrace that. Wish me luck!

@Amdone123 your list of good tips is excellent!

What you say about TV normalising it is true. It’s society as a whole, as well as media. That’s discussed well in my new book (the wine o’clock myth).

@MumLass , I'm with you on the better off abstaining. I was going to start 1st June but no plans to drink today or tomorrow, so day 1 here, too. I want to get to the end of June, well the 28th.
I drank yesterday - again - though reasonably proud as I diluted the wine, a first for me, then had a couple of beers.
@QueenofKattegat , I don't think you're feeling sorry for yourself - you've experienced some major upheaval there.
Is there no help available?

Welcome @bawchops and @QueenofKattegat. it’s such a massive first step to even consider drinking is a problem, at least it was for me.
I am trying to do an AF school night week @bawchops. I can’t have it in the house, it’s too tempting. I substitute for AF wine during the week and it’s actually quite nice. I have found if I make it past 5-6pm I am usually fine for the rest of the night, so I distract myself with the AF wine, cooking and chatting with the kids. I know what you mean about the wind down though. I’ve heard self care is the ticket but I’m terrible at it!
@QueenofKattegat you are dealing with so much, I’m sorry. Is there anyone checking in on you? I can understand how being out of routine and in what must feel like chaos is really difficult. I wish I could offer some wise words but I am not sure what could help. Except that we are here with you and willing to lend you support when you need it.

I have just sat and totted up my units for this weekend, and then looked at my alcohol tracker for May and it has been an unmitigated disaster. I don't even want to write out what it is because I just feel so ashamed and useless and fecking miserable.

Last few bank holiday weekends I've drunk reasonably heavily and then by the Tuesday seem to end up coming down with something. I honestly think it could be PAWS. Post alcohol withdrawal syndrome. Today I have a dicky tummy and a headache and am totally freaking myself out that I am killing myself.

How many god damn Day 1s does it take? Why am I still muttering to myself "oh well I'll just stick to weekends" ; "oh it's because it's sunny/childhood trauma/my husbands mad ex-wife/bad day/average day/good day". I am tired of my own bullshit, I am drowning in it. I have a problem, I know I have a problem. It's possible that those who see me often enough suspect I have a problem when I am packing the drink away (but, so are they). I know I need to tackle this problem but I feel like the first step is too hard, too high. I need a proper plan but just feel so weak.

Sorry, haven't read much of the thread lately as it's easier to not be accountable when it's all going wrong! Hope everyone is doing alright x

I am just popping in. I joined the thread months ago saying I was going AF for Kent. Did not happen. But I want to send a handhold to @QueenofKattegat

I am also a carer for my disabled DH, who has gone rapidly downhill the last six months. It is so, so hard and so easy to have a drink at the end of the day to destress.

Has your DH applied for PIP etc and you for carer's allowance? Also, are you getting any support from your council for aids and alterations to make your home accessible for your husband?

Kent?! Lent!

@Steppered , so sorry for this late reply. I read your post earlier and then had to go out. Also, sorry to read you're feeling so fed up with it all. I get like that, and so do most of us on this thread I'm sure. It's bloody hard.
You're not weak - you're just struggling.
Do you think you want to abstain for a while, take it one day at a time though ?
We're all here to help you. ❤️

Hello again. Sorry I’ve not been posting. Has been a rough month. My AF days went out the window on holiday, then I was so miserable back at work. There’s going to be a new management and I’m worried I’m going to lose my job. I was off for three months on stress leave last year after being bullied by the office clique, which includes management and HR, so I think they could use restructuring as an opportunity to get rid of me.

There’s been a dispute in my band too, so I’ve only had 8 AF nights this month. Some nights I’ve drank heavily, other nights I may only have had a few, but it’s still being consistently more than my set limits. My mistakes are starting to drink earlier, staying up to late and not measuring my units out, just free pouring.

I’m going to try and be AF the next two nights then give my head a wobble at weekend.

Hope everyone else is hanging in there. Sorry @Steppered sounds like you’re having a rough time of it too. I’m with you on the excuses. I’m the same. “I’m not working tomorrow/I AM working tomorrow but this is still the weekend/I can’t not drink if we’re having a roast/ it’s been a good day I’ll celebrate/it’s been a bad day…”

We can do this

@Steppered I can hear how miserable you are in your post. It's bloody awful isn't it. I realised I was using alcohol to escape and every day I'd do the mental juggling of will I have a drink tonight/won't I/it's been a good day, bad day, long day, stressful day....whatever, I could find a reason.
I really hope we can support you, I'm new on this board but not new to the inner turmoil of alcohol. I feel more determined now than ever before.

I agree - the mental gymnastics are a pain. That's why I'm better off abstaining.
Feeling pretty determined and positive today despite a rocky start ( dog has done his business all over downstairs - it's not his fault. It's getting quite dangerous now where I live - last night the cretins were throwing fireworks at each other).

Busy day for me. I'm leaving shortly for 1st job, then walking to induction for New Job, then back to old job to finish.
I will not reward myself at the end of the day with wine, but I will have a nice bath, watch some tennis and plan a lovely day out with my dog.

Morning all I can see a lot of determined feelings in the posts above and the fact you are seeking 'help' @Steppered is a brilliant step! I might have a look at the wine o clock myth I do love books but getting started to read them esp if it's about alcohol makes me stay away it's like if I'm reading about it I am gonna have to stop drinking etc. I had a really really bad day yesterday, my eldest who I suspect has ASD (I finally took the plunge and made GP appointment to discuss it all in a few weeks I was putting it off) he went mental physically from 8am hurting me and his brother and trashing the house. My hands hurt because I tried with all my might to stop him hurting me further which meant restraining him. Was awful and I knew I wasn't going anywhere so I started drinking at 10am. I knew it was wrong and 'alcoholic' but I still continued and then hid the bottle in the bin before H came back. When he came back I thought he would help with the situation but made it worse. Honestly I don't know what to do I'm panicking every day and I dread half term he masks at school so unleashes at home but I've made the Dr appointment but I don't know how I'm going to stop drinking.

@Steppered sorry to hear that you are struggling. When I was drinking heavily I think I had PAWS - the first day back at work after an AF day I would have headaches and feel nauseous and dissociated. I used to worry that I would end up having a fit. Then I would use that as an excuse to drink. It’s so hard not to drink. Have you read any of the books people recommend? I have not because I’m not ready to face it, I don’t think. I’m moderating ok at present but I’ve been here before and back again. I wish you all the best for the next few days.

@EnoughEnoughnow it sounds like things are pretty stressful for you - you still managed more than a quarter of days AF in the last month! I hope things get sorted out soon. Maybe you could plan for 1/3 AF this month and gradually build up. Although to be honest I don’t find targets helpful because I don’t reach them then I feel worse but they work well for some people.

@Amdone123 good luck with you induction!

Thanks so much guys - sorry, I was having a really BAD day yesterday. We're getting loads of shit from one of my stepkids which is frankly the cherry on top of the shit sundae - I sometimes wonder if my marriage can sustain the abuse from his ex, now coming via the kids.

But it sounds like we truly have it ALL going on which I guess is why we are here.
@QueenofKattegat welcome to the thread, you will get some lovely support on here. Your situation sounds incredibly difficult. Do you have any funded help or respite available? @Tenderstem sounds like you are having a hard time as well. My sincere best thoughts and wishes to both of you.

@EnoughEnoughnow we sound like we are in the same boat this month. Well, it's June tomorrow so let's make it a better month! @MumLass I did Dry January and god it was great not to have that "wine witch" harping on! @Amdone123 that sounds like a plan, all the best with the new job and living situation. @Determineddoris wow that sounds incredibly hard, you are absolutely doing the right thing getting the ball rolling with the appointment. I hope things are easier the next few days. @Bigbus yeah it's horrible isn't it, also a bit like the elephant in the room which we know is there but getting it out of the tiny window feels like an impossible task.

I am pulling myself up today, I am not going to let the bastards get me down. I've decided I'll let myself drink once a week (probably on a Saturday), if I want to. Abstinence the rest of the time. I was doing this over Feb & March and felt way better for it. I did a dry January and actually enjoyed it - but I was so READY to do it, which you have to be, mentally? I've read (and reading) loads of quit lit, podcasts, but am also trying really hard to address my C-PTSD. A fun cocktail, pardon the pun. It does go in, it does chip away into my brain, but truth of the matter is I still want to be able to drink and while that is inside me, it is hard to get past, isn't it? I actually DON'T want to drink now, I want to work on me. I find meditation and journalling really helpful so am going to make sure I am doing all the "right" things and giving myself a chance.

Wishing you all a peaceful week and thank you for rallying. We can do this.

@MumLass I just saw the wine o clock myth book it's written by the same person who wrote Mrs D is going without which was recommended when I was on these groups few years back have you read that one? I started and didn't finish it the only one I finished was Clare pooley one I can't remember the name but it resonated to a tee. I'm definitely not going to drink today, it's not normal is it binge drinking all day? I am abnormal and I hate it. I feel like absolute crap. Sorry some of you are going through a lot too but as pp said we have to rally together. Good luck with the induction @Amdone123 !