Why ultimatums don't work with alcoholics?

[Icloud54]

Don't want to drip feed too much but my sister is early 30s with 2 young children, binge drinks most weekends, she's had social workers involved due to past relationships, she's taken coke frequently whilst her children are around, you get the jist.
When she's drunk she invites men over to drink with, gambles lots of money through online gambling, takes drugs etc.
She has a good full time job but is also depressed, she's on anti depressants.

I've tried helping her so many times, she always says she needs help the day after when she's hung over.
I'm always trying to sort out her mess so I gave her a ultimatum and said if she drinks again I'm cutting contact because I need to protect my own mental health, she was drinking again last night and had a man over. I've told her I'm cutting contact.
Any advice?

This sounds so hard OP. I agree ultimatums don't work. I think the main concern here is the safety of her children. Are they at home when she's drinking/ bringing men home?

Yes, they're at home.

So you actually mean it?

Do you want to do this to punish her? Or to protect yourself and your family?

Would this mean also cutting contact with nieces and nephews too?

Cutting contact can mean lots of things, but disengaging first works alot better, when there are problems you don't rush in to fix them, your not the one ringing around on their behalf - and you remove yourself from their drama. If she calls you don't pick up immediately, but perhaps get back to her a few days later.

But the point is to stop her issues becoming yours too.

It's not to punish her at all, it's to protect myself, I find myself getting too stressed and worried for her that if affects my mental health.
I have children of my own, including a 3 month old. I can't be up in the night worrying for her I need to by present mentally for my children.
Honestly want nothing more than for her to lead a 'normal' life but it's just not happening.

Because the addict doesn't believe it will be followed through.

Often for good reason, as there have been "ultimatums" made in the past that weren't followed through. This is because the person giving the ultimatum wants the threat to work and doesnt really want to follow through. Ultimatums take sacrifice from both parties.

I think you need to work out a plan of what's happening to her children, and how you are severing all contact with her. Then lay those plans out to your sister.

Al anon exists to support family members of alcoholics perhaps you could try either speaking to them or dropping into a zoom meeting?

Agree you can't change her behaviour and if you issue an ultimatum you have to be ready to folllow through with it otherwise she just won't believe you..

As there are kids involved I would still try to support them - but without her involved - if that makes sense. So can you engage with social services / schools to make sure they are being looked after or are on the radar?

Because the physical feeling of withdrawal is worse than loosing family members. She needs professional help

They don't work because drinking isn't a rational choice. It's a drpendacy or addiction. I feel your pain I had an alcoholic in the family. He died at 57. He did stop drinking eventually but it was too late for the health issues to not have an effect. He had so many goes at detox etc before it worked.

It’s a disease. It’s like saying to a cancer patient, ‘stop having cancer and I’ll stand by you’
It doesn’t work like that

Please please speak up to SS for her kids. You can't save her- only she can do that, but you can help the kids. My dad is an alcoholic and my childhood is marred by that. The adults all stood by and did nothing and I have issues today (google adult children of alcoholics).

Ultimatums don't work, she needs to hit rock bottom herself.

Al anon are helpful for you to get support too.

You can do nothing until she decides she has had enough I know I have been there She is suffering from an illness that tells you nothing is wrong. It’s like trying to tell a sufferer of Anorexia to buck up and eat some cake or someone with depression to get a grip
I changed this in a fit of desperation and went to AA nothing quite works like when one alcoholic talks to another

This is only an indirect answer, but it may be helpful, maybe not, ignore if so. My Dsis was/is an alcoholic. At the point she was semi-continuously being hospitalised, my DD was a baby, Dsis has never had children. I was at the end of my tether, extremely sleep deprived, and suffering with PND. In desperation I said did she want to die and not see DD grow up, and have me having to tell DD that she used to have an auntie, but she died. :( She didn't take it on board straight away, and your Dsis has kids, unlike mine, which may or may not be a motivator for her. She has been a dry alcoholic for many years now, and has said that what I said really made her think, and helped a lot. But it's horribly hard dealing with this

Thank you for the response.

What happens when she doesn't want to accept the help? I've tried setting up counselling, taking her to the doctors etc but she doesn't follow through with anything.

Social services are involved already and are aware of the drinking.

Sadly I don't have the answer. I have heard that sometimes people just have to hit rock bottom. I don't know what my dsis's rock bottom was, but she was in danger of her liver packing up. I see she is on anti depressants? Might be worth seeing if she would have a word with the doc (telephone appt?) to see if another one would suit her better? I think Al Anon is for family members, it might help give you some coping strategies?

I think at one point I actually had to try and get my head around the fact that ultimately there was only so much I could do, as I'm not superwoman. I had to step back when my baby was tiny, for similar reasons, as my DM would have let me just keep going out to her. About a 200 mile round trip. DM was young and fit and half an hour down the road

Please go to al Anon op. You will get help and support there.
There is nothing you nor anyone can do to stop your sister drinking if she doesn’t want to stop.
If there was a way of stopping alcoholics drinking then everyone would be doing it.
I’m sorry you are going through this - it’s a terrible and destructive illness that ruins the lives of both the alcoholic and those close to them.

@Bacter Helpful

Alcoholism may well be a disease but those suffering make the choice as to whether they seek help to battle the disease or not.

My sister is the same. Same age range, 2 kids. Same addictions bar the gambling. I love her too much to ever cut her off. She will get wasted and tell me my marriage is a sham and that I have it easy for being married and not being a single parent. She says hurtful things and tries to encourage me to drink and do drugs with her. I'm tee total as we are a family of addictive personalities. I find leaving her to her devices and being there to support and advise her when she asks is the best way. I will never cut her out of my life.