My husband is in intensive care

[PinotGrigios]

He is very, very ill, on life support and mostly unconscious. Earlier this week he came very close to dying several times. Over the next couple of weeks it is going to be touch and go. If he makes it, recovery will take up to 18 months, and he will have lifelong complications, though he should be able to live a good life. It has come out of the blue.

I am trying to put all the right things in place for our AD6, who has already lost so much, including multiple members of her birth family dying. Up until this point my DH was the primary carer for our daughter and they adore each other. Now she is suddenly not able to see or speak to him. We are 2.5 weeks in.

I have great support, including my Mum who has come to stay and is helping with school pick ups so I can be in the hospital when I need to. My daughter has been incredible at adapting to after school club - she didn't really do it before but says she likes it - and different people collecting her, when it always used to be me or her Dad.

I took advice from a specialist at our adoption agency, and then had a frank conversation with her about Daddy dying, and what would happen. It went really well, we are very close and she is great at talking about her feelings. These conversations are ongoing, last night we drew pictures of what our family looks like, and all the people we have around us that love her. But she is still devastated, she had a difficult day at school yesterday and occasionally she gets very angry with me. In her experience, people she loves just vanish overnight. School have been fantastic but ultimately this is just an awful situation for us all to be in.

I would love any wise thoughts on support she (or I) might need in the future, especially if the worst happens in the next couple of weeks. And if anyone has any experience of anything like this, please do reach out if you feel you can.

Otherwise, a handhold would also be lovely. I can't really describe how great my DH is as a person, and what it's like to watch him be so ill.

I'm really not good at this sort of thing, but I am so sorry to hear this.

Have you taken advice on whether your DD should at least see her Daddy in hospital once? It may be scary/traumatic, and/or it may help her understand the reality and that he hasn't just disappeared.

Otherwise all I can suggest is therapy for her (and you) both now and revisted.
And memory boxes.
And talking about your DH.

My now young adult AD has been having therapy funded by post adoption support since covid for various things and it has really helped. Probably should have started much earlier.

Thanks so much x.

Yes I've taken advice and the general consensus is that she shouldn't see him at the moment - he looks truly awful and I think it would traumatise her quite deeply. My hope is that in the next couple of weeks he will start to regain consciousness and as soon as he starts to look more like himself and we can be sure he will recognise her, he can consent to it as well.

I am giving her occasional updates, but also trying to avoid taking her on the same rollercoaster I'm on. She draws pictures that I take in and pin up by his bed. A good point though to keep talking about him generally, and make sure I'm not instinctively shying away from it.

I'm so sorry. My husband has been very ill and in hospital recently and it was life-threatening, so I can very much relate to how life can suddenly change - though my girls are adults now, they have been incredibly affected by it. He is home now, recovering, and my youngerdaughter, who lives with her boyfriend, is here every spare moment.

Are you in England? If so you can ask for therapy from the asf. In other nations you might have to ask for camhs, I think. You can also get books about parents being ill or in hospital. Margate Sunderland, who writes therapeutic books for children and accompanying notes for adults, does one for when a parent dies, though hopefully you won't need that.

Financially if you need help you could go back to the placing LA and ask for support. It may not work but it might.

So very hope your husband makes it through this xx

I am so sorry. What a difficult time for you all.

I only have experience of this through a close friend who had young children at the time.

In that experience, Intensive Care would not allow children under the age of 12 into the unit - so none of the children were able to say goodbye.

They did offer to make handprints/footprints for the children - and I know one of the children valued the handprint because my friend then drew round the child's hand inside their Dad's and was able to say, 'Daddy is always holding your hand'.

They also allowed the children to send in their teddy or a toy each day that visited in their place. Sounds odd, but it helped one of the children - they were able to spend time with their Mum each morning choosing what to send in, then have a conversation again at the end of the day - almost a reverse of a child taking a favourite object into school each day as a reminder of home.

Half days at school may be more manageable for now if your Mum is around and can be with your daughter for the other half. A balance between the structure and routine but with a nurturing time at home (or a walk to burn off some stress)?

Every child reacts so differently to grief - and this is grief already, you have both lost your normalcy and will already be grieving it. Maybe just naming that may be helpful? Letting her (and you) know that 'this is hard' and 'it's ok to feel happy one minute and sad the next'.

The uncertainty is so hard, for you both. I would say keep your basic routines to help her feel boundaried and safe, but be flexible day to day/hour to hour and react to what she needs.

Thinking of you both.

@Arran2024 Thanks so much. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband and glad to hear he is home.
I will go to the ASF, yes - right now waiting to get out of the eye of this total storm we are in, in which he could still die at any moment. And then I can work out what therapy she really needs.

@LeoLeo2 thanks so much for sharing this, I love the handprint idea.
In our ICU children are allowed in and they have given me a really good children's booklet explaining what to expect, so I'm hopeful that when the time comes I can take her and it will make the world of difference. She asks every day when she can see him.

Yesterday was tricky. My Mum was taking her to a climbing activity with a friend, which she normally loves, but when she found out I wasn't coming and was going to the hospital instead, she was really upset. In the afternoon we watched a movie together cuddled on the sofa which was lovely.

I think it's going to be a difficult half term. I'm split in two - my daughter needs me, but I also hate the thought of my husband suffering without me being there. We've done everything together for twenty years.