LO very attached to ‘stuff’ - how can I help him?

[FinallyMummy]

Not really sure how to word this. LO has been home with us for 2 years and is 5. He remembers FC and having to move and while he’s very settled here, he is very attached to items and we need to get rid of some.

For example, a recent growth spurt means a lot of clothes suddenly no longer fit and while he’s happy for me to get rid of a few things, he wants to keep the majority and insists they still fit really.
He has a gazillion toys, some are for very young children and he hasn’t looked at them for a year at least but if you mention passing them on he gets very upset and repeats that they’re his.
He can also be like this about totally random things (sometimes food wrappers, sticks, flowers picked outside etc).

I understand part of this is control of environment after a lot of change, but on a practical level, we can’t keep everything.

We’ve talked to him about it a lot and he will happily tell you that when clothes don’t fit they should go to someone smaller, baby toys are for babies and we should give them
away, rubbish goes in the bin etc, but when it comes to actually doing it, he just gets very upset.

A few people have recommended I just do it when he’s not here and I’m sure for some children that works but with the history here, I think he’d notice straight away and feel a bit unstable/unsafe if his things just disappeared.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Lots of children don’t like their stuff being given away, particularly toys.

I usually just put the things away in a cupboard or the attic until they were well and truly forgotten about. At that stage I threw them away or recycled if appropriate. But they were there for a long while just in case. I kept some as mementos too.

Basically, don’t make a big deal about throwing away their outgrown things as children often find this difficult.

He may have a problem with object permanence- this is a developmental stage which adopted children sometimes don't master. It's like something doesn't exist if you can't see it. It can have bigger ramifications as they get older. Check out Holly van Gulden for more info on this.

I would put everything into boxes for now rather than dispose of it completely.

I tried toy rotation a few times as the amount he has is a bit ridiculous but once he notices something is missing he gets very upset about possibly never seeing it again.
He doesn’t forget anything so will randomly mention a toy from FC that he hasn’t seen for 2 years. He’ll tell you who bought it/what it does etc and ask where it is.

Im not sure if I'm explaining properly, it’s as if he uses ‘stuff’ to feel secure and is really scared of anything being gone but I’m running out of storage space, I can’t keep things forever just in case.

Something that worked for us was taking photos of things and putting them in a scrapbook. They seemed more able to move stuff on when we did that.

We also tried to give clothes in particular to a friend with younger children as it helped to know where they were going and what would be done with them.

They also chose one toy and one set of clothing per clear-out that went into their memory box.

This is really normal for kids and surely if he needs stuff to feel secure you can just keep the stuff?we have a 'specials' box for the special old clothes to keep to use for their future kids,and we keep all special toys,artwork etc,you just need to store it well.we also have a holding area for broken toys/rubbishy stuff that can be thrown away when forgotten,so to make no big deal of it going.if they ever worry where something is don't say it's gone but say it must be here somewhere in the mess,let's clear up, or just say it's in storage.I would prioritise their feeling of safety completely.its such a normal thing for kids,I still remember when my parents got rid of a toy,it creates a feeling of panic that something you were responsible for is gone and you can't look after it.
Also there is a bing episode about a balloon that was quite good to watch on this I think if you've not seen it.

Tbh I suspect he will need some therapy to help him with this problem. My younger daughter was like this. They are trying to cope with some very deep feelings around separation and loss and you need to address this, the holding onto stuff is just a symptom.