How can I rebuild contact with my adopted son respectfully?

[Chrisky]

My son was adopted at 18 months in 1999 after his Dad gave him up without asking my opinion, he has just found me in the last two years and we've not had chance to meet. He has met his Dad first which I didn't think was fair. How do I go about meeting my son as he is very distant towards me plus he only texts me when he wants money

In 1999 you wouid have had to have meetings with SS before your son was adopted. It couldn’t be don’t on the say so of one parent. Or perhaps you were untraceable or had already been deemed unsuitable but either way I wonder if you need to think about how you are accepting your parts. Your post looks to blame his birth father but acceptance rather than blame can be the way to go.
fair also isn’t really a realistic concept to apply. It wasn’t fair that your son had his birth adults relinquish him and then return to his life. It’s his choice whether he accepts that or how he deals with it.

Have you had the time to meet? Is it him who doesn’t want to? There has beeen time in two years but all you can do is be honest and communicate openly.

Have you had any support with your feelings and approach. If PAC are still around they are a good place to start.

Good luck

Where were you in 1999? Children are usually with their mothers and social services don't let dads voluntarily give children up for adoption without speaking to the mum and putting help in place for the baby to stay at home. So I suggest you rethink what happened in 1999.

How come you and your son text re money? Are you actually sending him funds?

This all sounds very odd tbh.

Just text him back you want to meet.

For starters I wasn't pissed off with him and secondly with having no support from family members and my ex husband having an affair with my best friend instead of supporting me

You have no idea what I went through losing my son to adoption. SS didn't help me and tbh I regret ever giving my rights away due to post natal depression. I wish I never asked for opinions. Can't believe how judgemental people are until you have been through something similar don't answer

I am reluctant as it's been a long time

So your son possibly feels less strongly about his birth dad because it is accepted in society that dads are often absent.

It does sound like you were involved in the adoption process as you say in your follow up you 'gave your rights away'. This is what previous posters mean about being honest. You need to 'own' what happened, even if there are reasons such as depression.

You do not need to give him money with no relationship. It sounds like you could do with some counselling/support to help you through this.

OP I think sometimes we are fed a narrative around adoption that gives happy endings as an expected outcome. Long lost family type group hugs. The cameras don’t show how many of those connections ruins go wrong afterwards. There are so many complex feelings on all sides.

You sound full of regret and grief and while I hope you get the ending you want your son doesn’t sound like he is able, at the moment, to give you that. You can get to a place where you acknowledge you did your best at the time and can do your best to keep an open approach for him while your happiness doesn’t depend on it.

Try these guys. They are experienced and helpful.

https://family-action.org.uk/services/pac-uk-birth-parents-relatives-service/

Thank you for the advice

Thank you for the link it helps me so much

Also I don’t know if you know there is a specific adoption board on this site - look for the full list of talk topics and it shows up.

There are a couple of posters whose children were placed for adoption. It’s not all adoptees and their parents. It’s a straight talking but kind place. Try posting there too.

@Chrisky I am also a birth mum, my eldest was removed and placed for adoption in 2013 and I have since had another child who has remained in my care. Currently as of 12 months ago I have no contact with my eldest due to his parent deciding that they no longer wished to take part in letterbox contact so I know the pain. I also had severe post natal depression with my eldest.

firstly I know you must be in so much emotional pain and I really would recommend some post adoption counselling to work through these feelings.

secondly if you do plan to reach out I would advise to do it through an intermediary agency so that both you and your son can get the support that you will both need.

Thank you chesatony