Should our adopted daughter have contact with her first foster carer?

[ThatMintZebra]

Our daughter (4yo - will call her Sam) lived in two foster placements before coming to live with us, the first for about a year and the second for a few months. We were encouraged by her social worker not to have contact between Sam and her first foster carer (will call her Gina) as there hadn't been good boundaries around Gina's role in her life. What this looked like day to day was Gina letting our daughter call her mummy, and Gina's mum Grandma, and not explaining that Sam living with them would only be until a forever family was found etc etc. Sam has been living with us for a year and I do think she still struggles with the idea that Gina was never her mum. She doesn't remember her birth mum very well if at all when we talk about her/show pictures, but does still remember Gina.

I worry that not seeing Gina is damaging for Sam, and also wonder if she might be better able to process the idea that Gina is/was always a foster carer if she does see her again assuming there are some rules in place to help with that distinction. Eg Gina correcting Sam if she does call her mummy, if our Sam asks for any care from Gina, Gina should defer to us instead ("that's up to your mummy").

I'm wondering if anyone has suggestions on rules to include if we do meet up, or has any related advice?

As a note we still see the second foster carers semi-regularly and Sam enjoys seeing them, but was always very clear on their role in her life (helping her find a forever family).

In the circumstances you describe, where you feel Sam has not fully accepted or understood Gina's role in her life, I would not meet up with Gina. Certainly not now and possibly never.

At most I would wait until Sam is older and has a stronger comprehension of her life story and who Gina is in it. Even then I would be very wary because you have to proceed on the basis that Gina will not pay the slightest attention to any boundaries you set, as she has evidenced she will ignore those set even by professionals.

Remember, Gina is someone who didn't act is Sam's best interests and behaved selfishly, however well meaning she may have been in her own mind. It's not necessarily in Sam's best interests to encourage someone like that to remain in her life.

No

I’d agree with pp’s and say no. Contact with the FC is for the benefit of the child, it makes sure they know they weren’t abandoned or forgotten and can make sure they don’t have a’gap’ in their story.
All of those benefits only apply if the parents and FC work together to reinforce boundaries and maintain the same ‘story/information.’

For example, our FCs had already explained to our LO that they were looking after him while his forever home and parents were being found and were ready so we’ve continued with this explanation.
Also, from visit one, any request from LO for care is directed to me and DH. You can see it goes against FC instincts but they do it as it reinforces who the parents are.
Now we’re quite a way down the line, it’s all second nature and LO automatically comes to us but at the start it all felt strange and difficult but was so so helpful for LO.

I would have serious doubts that ‘Gina’ would have the ability to do that, or the will to support you in any way. And if she muddies the water and causes confusion it will be awful, your LO will be upset and disregulated and you’ll have a lot of work to do to repair that.

If LO wants to when they’re a lot older I’d consider it then but not yet.

I’d a wary of ongoing contact with anyone who can’t work to a plan in the best interests of the child. Better to help the child mourn that person in their life, with clear life story work, photos etc. I say that as someone still (9 years later) dealing with the harm caused by unboundaried foster carers not following agreements about contact.

Your daughter is too young to understand adoption, her life story and Gina's role. I would wait, see how things develop and make a decision then. Do you have any kind of contact with Gina to assess her behaviour towards your daughter now? Does your daughter remember calling Gia "Mummy"?

I would also keep in mind that many adopted children do not understand the "Mummy" the way we do, because they have several mother figures in their life.

Hello, we adopted our son four years ago. I hope this story makes you feel that you aren’t alone.
The foster family he was with, he was their first ever adopted child and went to them at a few days old. They had him with them for over a year. I know they were new to the process, but I do think they got too attached and referred to themselves as mum and dad.
however fortunately he was so young so explicit language around their role probably won’t have impacted him.

We had a bit of a difficult relationship with them because in essence she really struggled letting go. I heard her say unkind things about me when we weren’t in the room, and she was really patronising throughout all of the process. She’s intelligent woman, and it was clear she was struggling with handing him over.

I thought this was just me, but a few months afterwards when I was going through all of the books and things she’d given us, I saw in one of the Christmas cards she’d written Dear XX Merry Christmas from Emily (mama)& Barry (dada). I have no idea why she would write this card to about a six month old baby, or send me it with his belongings. Clearly painted the picture that she was calling herself mama.

On the advice of our social workers so we could attach we didn’t really see them for the first six months, and to be honest it was 18 months - two years until we saw them again. We see them now once or twice a year, as it is somewhat quite a few years later, but I was always very concerned that she muddied the waters.

What you need to remember is this was a paid job that someone took Fully in the knowledge that they were doing it to get money, and that child was never going to stay with them it was their job to prepare them for their forever Family.

If I was you, I would stay away from Gina. I don’t think she’s going to be healthy for you and your child’s relationship in any way.

We adopted our now 13 year old at 11 months and met up with the foster carer until she was three and was able to tell us that when we met up she felt anxious that she was being given back so we stopped . She gave no indication at the meet ups, we met at parks and play centres x
Id say let your child decide

After reading the posts I would not encourage meeting up with a foster carer who hasn’t acted in the best way for your daughter . Our foster carer loved our daughter and was very emotional but never undermined our position as forever parents

Why was your DD removed from Gina and placed with a second foster family? Was it due to her lack of boundaries? The SW has advised no contact and I'd stick to that. There's a good chance Gina won't reinforce the boundaries as you'd like and it will also be very confusing for DD. She's still very young and her memories of Gina will gradually fade as long as you don't keep talking about her.

Did Gina want to adopt her or something? Why would she do that? Why do social services wait so long to place a baby with a forever family? It's so sad. I suppose you should chat with Gina and assess if she will be normal around the child. I think just cutting her off forever would feel worse for the child. She will have already been traumatised by the separation, whether or not she called her Mummy.

That's not how loss works. She needs to process the loss and should be able to talk about her. If Gina died would you be recommending never mentioning her again?

What is the point of this? Why wouldn't they just give to a forever family straight away? I think she should have just kept the child. Removing a baby after it's first year with someone would be so traumatizing for both child and foster parent. I can't see any good reason for it. They aren't dogs for the blind. They don't need 'preparing'

@Hedgehogbrown do you have any experience in adoption? PPs post is a fairly typical story. Child is removed from birth parent, foster carers provide stable care while social workers go through the process of both assessing who the child would be best cared by, supporting birth parents if possible and providing evidence for court that parental rights should be removed from birth parents.

Only when all that is done can a child be placed for adoption, and while foster carers may love the child, they haven’t signed up to adopt. That’s not what they wanted, so a child staying with foster carers only tends to happen in early permanence (where fostering with the plan being to adopt is agreed from the start) or if a child (generally older) isn’t adopted and foster carers become guardians.

The point is ensuring a child is cared for while the process happens. That is the foster carers job, and if they’re good at it, they will prepare a child for transition to their adoptive parents - and part of that is ensuring that their role is clear (for example, our LOs foster carers always referred to themselves as ‘Amy and Adam’ (fake names) so there was no confusion when she started called me and DH mummy and daddy.

I understand that from a logistical point of view but I just think it's so damaging to the baby. Would it take a year or longer? That's too long.