Should our adopted daughter have contact with her first foster carer?

[ThatMintZebra]

Our daughter (4yo - will call her Sam) lived in two foster placements before coming to live with us, the first for about a year and the second for a few months. We were encouraged by her social worker not to have contact between Sam and her first foster carer (will call her Gina) as there hadn't been good boundaries around Gina's role in her life. What this looked like day to day was Gina letting our daughter call her mummy, and Gina's mum Grandma, and not explaining that Sam living with them would only be until a forever family was found etc etc. Sam has been living with us for a year and I do think she still struggles with the idea that Gina was never her mum. She doesn't remember her birth mum very well if at all when we talk about her/show pictures, but does still remember Gina.

I worry that not seeing Gina is damaging for Sam, and also wonder if she might be better able to process the idea that Gina is/was always a foster carer if she does see her again assuming there are some rules in place to help with that distinction. Eg Gina correcting Sam if she does call her mummy, if our Sam asks for any care from Gina, Gina should defer to us instead ("that's up to your mummy").

I'm wondering if anyone has suggestions on rules to include if we do meet up, or has any related advice?

As a note we still see the second foster carers semi-regularly and Sam enjoys seeing them, but was always very clear on their role in her life (helping her find a forever family).

In the circumstances you describe, where you feel Sam has not fully accepted or understood Gina's role in her life, I would not meet up with Gina. Certainly not now and possibly never.

At most I would wait until Sam is older and has a stronger comprehension of her life story and who Gina is in it. Even then I would be very wary because you have to proceed on the basis that Gina will not pay the slightest attention to any boundaries you set, as she has evidenced she will ignore those set even by professionals.

Remember, Gina is someone who didn't act is Sam's best interests and behaved selfishly, however well meaning she may have been in her own mind. It's not necessarily in Sam's best interests to encourage someone like that to remain in her life.

No

I’d agree with pp’s and say no. Contact with the FC is for the benefit of the child, it makes sure they know they weren’t abandoned or forgotten and can make sure they don’t have a’gap’ in their story.
All of those benefits only apply if the parents and FC work together to reinforce boundaries and maintain the same ‘story/information.’

For example, our FCs had already explained to our LO that they were looking after him while his forever home and parents were being found and were ready so we’ve continued with this explanation.
Also, from visit one, any request from LO for care is directed to me and DH. You can see it goes against FC instincts but they do it as it reinforces who the parents are.
Now we’re quite a way down the line, it’s all second nature and LO automatically comes to us but at the start it all felt strange and difficult but was so so helpful for LO.

I would have serious doubts that ‘Gina’ would have the ability to do that, or the will to support you in any way. And if she muddies the water and causes confusion it will be awful, your LO will be upset and disregulated and you’ll have a lot of work to do to repair that.

If LO wants to when they’re a lot older I’d consider it then but not yet.

I’d a wary of ongoing contact with anyone who can’t work to a plan in the best interests of the child. Better to help the child mourn that person in their life, with clear life story work, photos etc. I say that as someone still (9 years later) dealing with the harm caused by unboundaried foster carers not following agreements about contact.

Your daughter is too young to understand adoption, her life story and Gina's role. I would wait, see how things develop and make a decision then. Do you have any kind of contact with Gina to assess her behaviour towards your daughter now? Does your daughter remember calling Gia "Mummy"?

I would also keep in mind that many adopted children do not understand the "Mummy" the way we do, because they have several mother figures in their life.