Adopting a two-year-old: trauma responses or typical toddler behaviour?

[MiloDND16]

Hi

New here and looking for advice... please!

After 6 years in the process (yes really), we've finally started an adoption placement and our 2 yr old DD has been with us for just under two weeks. I'm very aware it's early days and we're all trying to find our way. She has settled well so far, sleeping 7 to 7, eating and toileting well, and full of beans all day (no nap). She was in one secure foster placement from birth.

She's become very attached to me, and although bonded well with DH during transition week, has pushed him away a bit. She's happy for him to do nurturing/ caring tasks and has no issue if I pop out so this may settle as she becomes more secure.

My question for those who have adopted around the same age, is how do we distinguish between issues or behaviour which is trauma/ placement related, and which behaviour is just a typical toddler. We had a few days of a honeymoon period and now there's very much tantrums (though over quick), no's and defiance. To me, these need to slightly nuanced responses, therapeutic attachment/ placement issues and more behavioural when its simply a 2yr testing boundaries. I dont mean raising voices but being clear with her where the limits are.

Would love to hear other's take on it. Early days but its so important to get it right now.

Thanks!

We adopted my son age two. He's now 14. At the time, I was very focussed on not "ruining" him - he'd had a lovely secure foster placement for 21 months, she got him into a brilliant routine, he was well behaved, I wanted to keep to exactly the same rules and routines. I didn't want to mess it up.

Looking back, I very much lost sight of his agony at being separated from his foster carer. It took him many months before he could tell me in deep distress aged 3, "Why did you take me when I didn't want to be taken? When I came here, my heart and mind DROPPED".

I don't think you can really differentiate at that age between attachment-based and "normal" challenging behaviour.

I deeply regret not being more therapeutic and empathetic at the time and wish I had been less rigidly boundaried. It will take you a long time to really understand and get to know your child, months and years.

I would just focus now purely on gentle boundaries and lots of compassion because underneath, there is likely to be so much grief and confusion about losing her foster carer. This may come out more and more in the months to come, as with my son.

One thing that I am so glad I pushed for was foster carer contact (SW said he was too young to need it). This absolutely helped him see over time that she had not dumped / abandoned him. We still see her once a year.

I completely changed my parenting techniques in the first few years when I realised that traditional parenting would not work with my son. Do lots of reading - "the explosive child" is a good one but for a bit older. Take all the parenting courses which are made available to you, go to the adoption toddler groups, you will learn so much from the experiences of others.

BTW my son is doing really well these days, don't be hard on yourself when you make mistakes, just keep reflecting, learning and adapting.

all the best.

Thank you so much for the reply. You're situation is so similar to ours - fantastic foster carers, in a good routine, and generally well behaved. You're advice is so helpful.

Since earlier in the week, I've started sharing photos of her foster carers and talking about them if she mentions them - telling her its ok to miss them and talk about them, that they love her and want her to be safe with mummy and daddy. They're heading on holiday shortly but hoping we can start contact when they are back.

And you're right about not distinguishing between behaviours and emotions. I'm a mess of emotions at the moment - how she must be feeling with no way to express it.

I'll definitely have a look back over some of my reading and thanks for the recommendation.

Thanks again and glad you're som is doing well.

Our LO was almost 3 and while I agree with pp about the benefits of foster carer contact, I would advise some caution.
Our FCs were also amazing and SW pushed us to have a meet up within the first 3 months and it was too soon. LO was completely silent when they spoke to him and was distraught when we said bye - he clearly didn’t want to go with them but didn’t want them to leave him behind either.
It took maybe a year (and maybe 4 meet ups) before he was able to interact with them in a way that didn’t end in him confused or upset and I regret pushing so early.

As for differentiating the behaviour, I probably wouldn’t try for a long while yet. As PP said, they’re learning how to be part of your family, with new people and a new house, missing the life they knew - and they’re 2 which is all kinds of tricky.
I’d probably approach tantrums with a lot of flexibility and patience. Obviously be firm if it’s a safety issue but I’d focus a lot less on getting good behaviour and more on building the bond.
We let LO ‘get away’ with things we wouldn’t have with other kids his age in order to get him
settled in. Plan was to address behaviour issues later when needed but we found he mirrored a lot of our behaviour as we all found our way (as an example, instead of pushing him to say please/thank you, we said it in an exaggerated way to everyone for everything, to stop lashing out we would say to each other ‘I was angry then’ and the other would say ‘so you were a bit loud/pulled a face but you didn’t hit’ and we’d say sorry and he followed suit).

Also remember, you LO may be 2 but it’s normal for there to be some regression when they transition to you. Our LO lost the ability to use a spoon and fork, dropped the few words he had and wanted to be carried a lot for a long while.

It’s a hard but exciting time. Keep posting - I wish I had. I remember my adoption leave with fondness now but it really was a struggle some days.

That's really interesting re the pp foster carer contact - our son was the same, silent in the first meeting after three months but distraught afterwards. It took a year or more before he seemed to enjoy it. But deep down I just knew it was a necessary pain to push through. A long time later I read about research into children maybe in1950s who were in hospital away from families for months, the conclusion was even though children were distressed at family visits it was worse to tell families to stay away - the visits were not causing the distress but uncovering the distress that was already there. It struck a chord so deeply with me. The grief needs to be uncovered to be processed.

i completely agree about allowing them to regress and treating them younger - something I probably didn't do very well.

It is a scary and stressful time but also exciting and toddlers are so lovely when they are not being awful - I hope you enjoy overall.

Congratulations to you on your new daughter’s arrival.
I would treat all interactions therapeutically. It doesn’t really matter what is typical age behaviours - because nothing about your daughters world right now is typical. You say she is attaching well to you but the reality is she is 2 weeks into a total life changing, emotional volcano and shes right now surviving however she can. I remember well all 3 of mine in those early weeks and months and it’s incredible how much sheer terror and anxiety drove their initial seeming attachment behaviours.
I would focus on nurturing and therapeutic parenting - and I would parent her as if she was much younger than her actual age for now.
It’s good that you have a good relationship with her foster carer but don’t underestimate just how chaotic and traumatising this all is for her. Words and explanations really won’t register right now - mine are much older and still don’t respond to logical explanations around their losses. We revisit their visceral emotional responses over and over and they never really “get it” often muddling things or repeatedly questioning over and over details of their early years. It may help her to see them but it’s also not something that’s automatically going to reassure her either - right now her loss, grief and fear will not be logical and it may simply keep reinforcing that people she loves vanish and abandon her.

Keep doing what you are doing - focusing on her immediate emotional needs, building gentle reassurance & support and building bonds with you both. Good luck over the coming weeks and months x

Hi and congratulations.

Tbh she is entitled to be angry/sad at being removed from foster care and it's a good sign if she can articulate this. The real problems are with the children who sail from one family to another without showing any distress.

The others have given you good advice about foster carers.

I would suggest you don't try to use any formal discipline techniques but when she is distressed / acting out you stay very calm (easier said than done) and pick her up and say "you aren't strong enough for that right now" and redirect her. That's it- no talking it over, giving her a time out or anything.

The most important thing is that you keep her as regulated as possible. So lots of sensory activities, but also not overwhelming her. Do bonding things like swimming where you can hold her.

Good luck

Don’t stress too much about getting it right all the time. Yes you need to be thoughtful and intentional but with the best will in the world you’ll make mistakes. At this stage it’s about getting to know each other - adoption is a long, long game and she has been removed from everything and everyone she knows and loves. My behaviour wouldn’t be great in those circumstances.

Take her as a much younger child, scaffold round her which means talking about everything you’re doing (like you would a newborn), keep her close to you (at this stage it’s not attachment, it’s terror), walk her through daily routines, do things for her even if you think she could or should do it herself, she will mirror you in time. Look for connection, keep behaviours safe but otherwise don’t worry too much. Two weeks is no time at all, you have her whole life ahead of you.

We adopted our daughter about a year ago when she was 3. After maybe a month she started testing a lot of boundaries, we took it as a good sign that she was actually starting to relax/feel secure with us.

She still tests boundaries now but it's not to the same extent. If I could talk to my past self I'd remind myself that it felt like she was testing so many boundaries because every boundary was new for her because we were new (even though we tried to keep routine and rules as similar as possible to foster carers).

Looking back knowing her better I realise how many things were signs she was struggling, but I just didn't know what to look for. It's hard for adoptive parents at the start because we don't have that insight yet, but it will come. Good luck!

Thanks for all the messages.
I think the initial contact with foster parents will be a short video call. I totally agre that it would be too confusing for her to meet them in person until she is much more settled.
And thanks - good point on not recognising signals that she's struggling. I'll check with foster carers on that point.
Thanks again. It's amazing to have others you can reach out to, as we all.know, adoption has its own unique challenges.