Adoption stories and guidance

[Sumv80]

Hi
Hoping for some sharing of stories for parents who have adopted. We are at the beginning stages of adoption although we have been considering it for many years. I’ve done a lot of research and understand all children coming will have some trauma and additional needs but I have read a lot of horror stories (not helpful I know!) about how the trauma can show up in ways in later life that are often unmanageable and the parents have really struggled.

So in summary what I would love to hear is that while parenting is hard and adoption is hard there are some parents that have adopted and are finding it rewarding.

Also any thoughts and guidance on ages, what types of trauma, siblings groups etc would be appreciated - thank you

We adopted siblings getting on for 20 years ago.

Both of mine really hit difficulties at around age 16, the younger one corresponding with covid.
With hindsight we should have got counselling/therapy for them both younger even though at the time they appeared to be doing well. I think it should be offered as standard.
I also think EHCPs should be standard for adopted children.

I'm glad we adopted, but out of 20 years we have had 8 great ones, 8 very difficult and 4 OK.

The problem with your OP is that you want people to tell you the good stuff only. That’s understandable but there is also the polar opposite and it’s a total lottery. I’m in the very happy and easy group but I have friends at absolute breaking point. The difference isn’t that I’m a great parent and they aren’t, it’s just fate that my child is much easier to parent (now, at least). With adoption you need to understanding that you could easily be in the very difficult group, and the chances of that are much higher than with a birth child.

Thank you- I appreciate the response and completely understand. I think what I’m looking for is some honest stories confirming that it will be hard work, no guarantees (as there aren’t with anything) but worth while. There have been a lot of stories recently advising it can break people and they regret it. I’m not expecting all happy outcomes but some responses saying it is something people haven’t regretted

Thank you- appreciate the response

We adopted 11 years ago, son now 14. It has been much harder than I dreamed however I don't regret it. I am close friends with three other families who adopted at the same time as me. One couple adopted siblings, have been through hell with oldest which continues, but are hanging on with younger. One has had a very hard but manageable time with siblings and definitely doesn't regret it. The third couple have had it ok with their only child but he does need an ECHP and specialist school (like my son). In fact out of the six kids only one doesn't have an EHCP even though none were expected to have additional needs at placement.

I think this group is fairly representative!

Don't expect a normal parenting journey but of course it can be rewarding, it can also really mar your life for many years! It's a leap
of faith.

A wise friend who is an adoption SW told me at the outset - only go for under 3 and only one child, not siblings. I am so grateful I didn't go for siblings as the problems I most hear about are siblings with trauma bonds who prob should have been placed separately.

I would have been eaten up by sadness if I'd never had a child so for me - definitely worth it. I've had to utterly change my life, job and location to meet my son's needs - but that's been worth it for us. He's doing much better at 12, 13, 14 than he was between 9-11 when I didn't know if I could go on. He's currently growing into a lovely young man but I also know things could change at any time.

Wishing you the best.

I am not playing a zero - or plus - sum game. I have amazing children and we all love each other and know it, but some relationships are very challenging. So challenging, that one - now young adult - "child" recently moved out. I think there is a high chance our relationships will improve again, but it will take time.

Being part of my family is extremely hard but my children deserve the best parents we can be (and are often struggling to be) and all the love there is. I cannot imagine my life without my children.

We adopted for the first time 13 years ago and the second 9 years ago, children now 14 and 10.
I am forever grateful to be their mum, but it has meant embracing a different kind of parenting. We've had some extremely difficult times, especially with DD1, and supporting and advocating for them feels like a full-time job in itself.
If I think though, if we hadn't adopted them, our wonderful girls would have been out in the World without our love and protection, the thought of that makes me feel sick.
We are a family. We love each other and we'll get through whatever comes up, exhausting as the day to day can be. If I could turn the clock back, I'd make the decision to adopt them both again, one hundred times over.

Parenting is hard work. Being an adoptive parent comes with an extra level of challenge. An often quoted statistic is that a third of families are getting on just fine, a third are dealing with incredibly challenging circumstances and a third have some problems but life is manageable. Search 'adoption barometer' if you would like to look at what that means in practice.

Personally, ten years in, I would certainly say adopting is the best thing I've ever done. My son is an absolute diamond and I can't imagine life without him. He does need quite a bit more support and atuned parenting than the average kid his age. The challenges I've faced though have been more about advocating for his needs with services that should be supoorting him, juggling work and parenting in extended periods of him not attending school or only attending part time and ultimately relocating to be close enough to a school that can meet his needs. And then we still have the teen years ahead so who knows what that will bring.

It's a question that comes up a lot on this forum, prospective adopters want to hear positive stories. There are a tonne of success stories out there. Those who are sailing through life don't necessarily spend much time posting here though.

There will be as many variations on similar themes as there are adoptive families. You've got a pretty representative sample on this thread already. But, as you've said yourself, there are no guarantees.

I think for many families ⅓, ⅓, ⅓ actually translates into having good young child to end of primary school years, challenging early teenage years and extremely difficult later teenage years. We certainly moved through the thirds.

I should have said, we are 14 years in and my children had therapy from age 8. We have been lucky. However, the thing is, there is only so much professionals can do. People think someone will be there to help when their child experiences eg. a mental health crisis. Well, there will be someone: you. It is all extremely complex. Mental health is not like a broken arm and professionals don't have a magic wand.

Overall I would say that the NHS and research into conditions that primarily or exclusively affect women have let my family down much more than the mental health/ adoption support systems.

Thanks for asking this OP - I'm in a similar position and the enormous challenges people talk about can seem overwhelming.
I recently told my two friends that I am asking to be referees about my adoption plans - they're both coincidentally quite experienced with adoption in professional capacities - and was totally taken aback by how excited they were for me! I'd had my head so much in all the challenges and difficulties I'd forgotten it was something to be excited about.
So now I'm trying to balance a healthy dose of realism with all the dreaming of a family and allow a little bit of that excitement back in, and draw on eg family situations I know where people have had it hard but wouldn't change it for the world.
(I'm just at ROI stage, I've had social worker meetings and had provisional 'go aheads' so got to pick which I go with so lots of steps ahead which could go either way - good luck with your journey!)

Sanders i remember you well across many years here - I’ve changed name a few times but we adopted in 2013/4 with a cluster of others and you’ve always been someone a few years ahead of us that I’ve learnt huge amount from.
I was interested in your point about earlier therapy prior to obvious issues. I have a sense of worry about my eldest and whilst nothing I can point my finger too just a feeling that therapy would be helpful for him as he navigates adolescence (bubbling under surface issues and concerns). Was there any therapy types / orgs you would recommend looking to (or avoiding!?)

Dd2 has been having therapy funded by post adoption support for the past 6(!) years. It has been excellent. However every time we think of stopping life comes up and bites us (mainly my elderly parents).

Thankyou, I will reach out to our LA and see if we can get some support.

@Sumv80

Adopters love a good cliche, one of them being adoption is a marathon, not a sprint.
When I adopted my son 14 years ago I could never have imagined that today I would be sitting with a 22 year old, car driving, university graduate who is going on to do an MSc.
When I adopted him age 8 he was in special school working below national curriculum level. The idea of GCSEs was so far off, university unimaginable. Our first year was rough, age 12 to 14 was very very tricky, 16 wasnt a picnic. We have had our share of challenges and have been able to work through them.
I think we are an adoption '''success'' story but its taken a lot of work, some sacrifice and support from a lot of people. To be honest also an element of luck - amazing schools and teachers, Scouts saved me (thank God for Scout camp😆) and funding for therapy.
I put the word success in quotes because I"m increasingly of the view that we shouldn't couch our stories in those terms. My son has done well, so he is a success in the way we see success conventionally.
That doesn't mean that other adopted young people who haven't achieved in that conventional way are a failure or that their adoption wasn't a successful or positive thing. So what if you don't get GCSEs at 16, you can do them later. Holding down a McDs job can be as much an achievement as getting to uni.
I would say that all prospective adopters should assess their expectations of what a successful adoption is.
Some adopted young people may sail through life. For others, getting a child safely through to adulthood is a great achievement.

I once said to someone about my son that I hoped for everything but expected nothing.
By expected nothing I meant I had no fixed views about what our life and his future might look like.
By hoped for everything - I gave my son every opportunity I could and hoped he would grow and learn and achieve to his full potential. The person he is today is the result of 18 years hard work, I'm including the 4 years he was in foster care. People can see the end result, we can call it a success. But I can tell you it wasn't feeling very successful when he was 13.

What do you think a happy and successful adoption would look like for you

@Ted27 and I were similar adopters - both single, children with some degree of additional needs. I adopted from Kazakhstan 20 years ago and even in the most difficult times I must admit I have never regretted it. Not once. I'm not sure if that makes me resilient or stupid but DS was always worth it.

He had separation anxiety x 1000 when he was little which made returning to work full time impossible and meant my pool of babysitters could be counted on one finger!

He was diagnosed with an executive processing disorder at about 9 and got an EHCP at 10 then diagnosed with a moderate communications disorder (which I'd always suspected) at about 12. There were some very rough times at various point in school to the extent that head of SEN in his new secondary school said to me "I'm not sure he can cope in a mainstream school".

Covid with teenage angst and being cooped up at home with me having a new partner (not living with us I hasten to add) was like the perfect storm of crapness. He got poor GCSE's tried 6th form and hated it, went into a vocational course instead and got the first stage of the qualification after a year then suddenly had an epiphany and talked his way into a sixth form college (still have no idea how!) and went back at 18. Last week he got 2A's at A level and a merit in a Btec and was accepted onto his first choice of university and goes in 4 weeks.

I'm so proud of him I could burst!

Was it most people's idea of a "normal" child rearing experience? Possibly not but it was normal for us and I wouldn't change anything except perhaps wishing he could have had an easier journey for him.

Of course it's easy for me now to look back knowing it all worked out and see it through a rosy halo but in truth I genuinely have never regretted it. I wanted to nurture a small person, I wanted them to see me as mum, I wanted to make a difference in their life, I wanted them to be "mine" - I got all that in spades.

Advice? Agree with the comment about if you're concerned stick with one (or at least until such a time when you can work out how much bandwidth they take up!) and if you can't get real life adoption mates, then the Mumsnet boards can be a lifesaver and other parent of kids with additional needs also really get it and have been great. The "all children do that" brigade can make you feel very lonely.

I'm always reminded of the classic Star Trek saying "it's life Jim, but not as we know it".

DS had quite a few pointless interventions - the one which made a difference was about 18 months of psychodynamic psychotherapy. 6 sessions of CBT really doesn't touch the sides!

Kew, that’s brilliant to hear. Remember you well from here and the other site we all used and it’s wonderful to hear not-so-little one has done so well academically.