Positive adoption experiences when you already have a biological child?

[Mazzald]

Has anyone got any positive stories about adoption?. We already have a daughter who is 5 years old, however I have had 7 miscarriages since her birth. I desperately want another child. Has anyone had experience adopting having already had a biological child?

Adoption is for the child's benefit not the adult's.

Would you have considered adoption had you not had issues conceiving your second child? There are people with positive stories and those how don't have them. Adoptee's aren't a consolation prize. Using words like you desperately want a second child is very you focused and not child focused. You are also unlikely to be given an infant. Are you prepared to parent an older child?

Can adoption not be for the benefit of the child AND the parent?, Being a parent is a blessing. My husband and I have a lot of love and support to offer a child but the worry is for our biological child and how it would affect them. It would be a huge adjustment. I have read a lot of negative stories and I’m asking people to share some positive ones. Do you have one?
From what I’ve read on multiple adoption websites, I would likely be given a child younger than mine. Adoption is something that my husband and I discussed before we had any biological children, but had planned on having two naturally beforehand. And now as I sit here having had my 7th miscarriage diagnosed today, the conversation has been brought forward. Cheers

Adoption is (supposed/does sometimes) offer a permanent, safe and secure home for the child. So, yes, it's primarily for the child's benefit. Perhaps, if you haven't already, consider reading books like the Primal Wound, The Body keeps the score and other similar reads.

Do you have a positive story?

The Google machine will give you postive stories or I'm sure another commentor will.

Here's some cons:

Adopted people are over represented in the mental health and prison services. Are at least 4 x more likely to try to commit suicide (more recent studies say it's more).

https://blog.nchs.org/guide-7-core-issues-adoption

Many people who have been adopted struggle to make sense of their identity and place in their adoptive families. They may feel disconnected from their cultural heritage and experiences that could have been part of their life had they not been adopted. People who have been adopted may also grapple with guilt or abandonment when forming relationships with friends, family members, partners, or future children who will never know their birth parents or vice versa.

The Long-Term Impact on Identity
People who have been adopted often struggle with a complex sense of identity due to their loss. This can manifest in different ways depending on the individual, but it usually includes feelings of confusion, shame, or inadequacy. Remember, these feelings are normal and valid; they don't make an adoptee any less valuable or loved by those around them. Having a solid support system—including other adoptees—can help an individual better process their identity as someone who has been adopted over time.

Influence on Relationships
The loss experienced by people who have been adopted can also harm their relationships with others. This can often lead to feeling disconnected from one's family or friends. It may also cause an individual to feel like they have difficulty connecting with people emotionally or trusting them. Conversations about these feelings can help individuals build stronger connections with those around them and find solace in meaningful relationships with family members and friends.

Mental Health Repercussions
The feeling of loss has been linked to numerous mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), substance abuse, and more. For many adoptees, understanding the root cause of these issues is critical to addressing them healthily and seeking necessary help. Some resources available include therapy, support groups specifically for adoptees and their families, online forums/blogs/websites dedicated to adoption topics, workshops aimed at helping individuals cope with the pain associated with adoption losses, and more.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21179553/?fbclid=IwVERDUATfOyNleHRuA2FlbQIxMABzcnRjBmFwcF9pZAwzNTA2ODU1MzE3MjgAAR7mVpN2ODdcH3UaCYC-nXaMGbgZeMNH94xexdVvYaGiObuOUWNBH5YE7fHmJA_aem_4Jt-ZioR1aYMSRJ3aVF3PQ

A decades-long nationwide Danish study followed over 13,000 adoptees.
They found that adoptees were 30% more likely to die before age 65 compared to non-adoptees.
This wasn’t just from one cause. It spanned across:
Cancer
Infections
Vascular disease
Alcohol-related deaths
Suicide
Even beyond age 65, adoptees continued to show significantly higher mortality from all-cause, cancer, alcohol-related deaths, and suicide.

It really depends on who's positivity you're looking for. Adoption is a traumatic life long event for the adopted person. Issues may present as younger children or as they grow older.

@Mazzald I never post on here but I really wanted to ballance the rhetoric of the other poster because my personal experience is the opposite of what they have said to you & if this is your first time exploring an adoption board I want you to be far mire supported! I was deeply supported through the adoption process by a fantastic SW who knew my long history of infertility/IVF and that my journey, like yours had led to adoption. At no point was I asked if I would have considered adoption had I been able to concieve so I wouldn't give much thought to what was said to you above. Fortunately I was not made to feel that I was wrong to deeply want a family and was told that this was an absolutely ok position to begin my adoption journey from. Wanting to build a family isn't a "wrong" motivation. Like you will, I educated myself on adoption and all it entailed. Since then my family has grown (significantly!) & it has been beautiful. I chose the early permanence route and so a new born was placed with me so look into that. From experience on these board many people say many things but every family is different, every agency and sw is different so do your own research, phone agencies & remember the only person who you need to unpack your motivations with is your SW. (A small aside, I was told multiple times on this board that you need to wait 2.5 years between IVF & adoption. This is not my experience so don't be put off if you read that anywhere. Your SW don't need a certain amount of months to have passed, they just need to know that your family are ready.) Im sorry I cant answer specifically about your original question. I just wanted yo ballance the above. All the very best!

Thank you so much for your supportive message. You sound like a wonderful person and both you and your children are very lucky to have found each other x

Appreciate the copy and paste 🫶🏼

I am an adoptive parent and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. We are not through teenage years yet but so far we have a normal life and a wonderful child. Our child came to us at 8 months and we have no other children. We are absolutely the definition of things working out well so far and I couldn’t be happier.

Would I adopt if I had a birth child? Absolutely not. I can see how incredibly lucky we are but I can’t say that the same is true for our friends who have adopted and many of them have much more challenging lives than us, and some of them really regret adoption. The risks around adoption really are significant and would not want to do anything that would adversely affect my birth child. The reality is that a high number of adopted kids have some kind of additional needs (I’m using that term very broadly rather than in an educational sense): attachment difficulties, FASD (really under diagnosed I think), learning difficulties, behavioural issues etc. Even without this, parenting an adopted child is very different from parenting a birth child and your experiences are likely to be very far from those you have had to date.
Is adoption the best thing I’ve ever done? Yes. Would I do it with a birth child? No.

Adoptee here - 1970s era, so my issues are in many cases different than what current adopters would face but I came on make a specific point.

There is an increasing emphasis in the UK on contact with birth family, with letterbox at one end and actual contact with family members at the other. Plus, with social media I think you should go into this assuming your child will eventually be found or try to find their birth family.

Give a lot of thought to how you would feel about this - I am grateful that when I was an adult, I was able to get access through records and DNA to my origins at my own pace. However, I have very mixed feelings about recommendations for ongoing birth family contact throughout childhood. (The ways I've seen it described feel like they could put a lot of pressure on the adoptee, however well-intentioned.)

It's not something I would take a 'I'm sure it will be fine' approach to, just to please a SW and advance an adoption.

Adoption UK has a good webinar with people's experiences.i had 2 before I adopted and I'd say it's been ups and downs.every family,agency,child etc is different and it must be hard to know how it will go the adoption barometer is the best guide to how things are in adoption and I definitely recommend joining adoption UK it's so helpful and supportive.
It's really traumatic for the child to be moved to you and this impacts on them hugely even without taking the previous early years experience into account,so it's always going to be challenging times.we have previously found things really really tough but are currently doing really really well, so think it's just ups and downs,and I do imagine things will be challenging again in teenage years!
Our social work team in the process were brilliant and really took the older kids feelings and needs into account especially with intros.
We have had some terrible nonsupport from social workers at the start,having me in tears on the phone to them as they said it was my fault things were tough, but then we've had some incredible support from social workers who've listened and set up things to help straight away,it really varies.
Our preschool and now school have been amazing, really good,but I already had a really good relationship with the school from my older two so that helped a lot as the teacher relationship was already there.they have done so so much for her and I think it's massively made a difference to how she manages in school.i don't think she will do well in secondary school as the support will be different.she has a very in tune teacher currently and has a movement break every 15 mins etc,that kind of thing.when she started she was biting etc and we were supported by the early help hub etc and lots of really helpful referrals.
The kids have a really normal sibling relationship,lots of bickering and lots of playing,they are lovely together.like any addition to the family there is a lot of guilt towards meeting everyones needs and your time being completely divided but that's normal and important to remember that's not adoption but would have happened anyway.but yes there are going to be additional things that impact on all that and the trauma comes out in very tricky behaviour but when the whole family understand it it really helps.helped alot when everyone understands it as trauma behaviour (and fasd for us but I'd say the trauma impacts her more) rather than bad behaviour.
I would absolutely recommend doing massive reading/webinars etc on trauma informed parenting etc and really making a strong plan round it all.sarah naishs book is brilliant.make sure you've spent time with a big range of children so you can be confident in managing/coping with different behaviours etc.
Make sure you have a good support network and get friends with other adopters,this helps alot,and will happen as you go through the process.
I think often having one child already makes things a bit easier as you'll know lots of the stuff already,nappies etc,keeping them safe,not worrying when they do crazy stuff etc,but then you also need to parent differently etc so again,ups and downs.
But,ups and downs is life and if you go for it go with the rollercoaster and do your best for both children.

And I think it would be exceptionally challenging to have a mix family of adoptees and birth children. Remember it isn't just you that you have to consider but how your wider family may treat and view the children, who is a 'real' family member and who isn't, especially if there is ongoing birth family contact. I really have no idea how people think there's going to be enough money out there to support everyone who might need it through this sort of arrangement, psychologically. Surely won't be able to come from the state.

And now as I sit here having had my 7th miscarriage diagnosed today, the conversation has been brought forward.

Gently, this is not the right day to be looking at adoption. Give yourself time to grieve for the child you were carrying. Put the emotional energy you have into parenting the child you already have, and then return to the idea of adoption when you are feeling more settled.

I don’t want to derail the thread but I do want to advocate for ongoing and meaningful direct relationships and meet-ups with birth family members. (I hate the word contact; no one says they’re going for contact with their friends.) I’m a long-in-the-tooth adopter and I have two non-birth-related children, of nearly 19 and 10. My elder AD has never had any letterbox or meet-ups with any of her birth family and sadly her birth father died several years ago. My AD1 is a lost person. Conversely, my AD2 meets up with her birth mother about once a month, and not in boring ‘contact’ centres; they do fun activities like bowling, the cinema, food markets, dog walks, splash parks, escape rooms and swimming. Birth mum is not a threat to AD2’s safety nor is she a threat to my adoptive parent psyche. AD2 loves her birth mum, who has vulnerabilities, and is reassured of her wellbeing and safety every time they meet up. Birth mum and I operate on the basis that it takes a village. Bizarrely, due to funding cuts and a total breakdown of support for adoptive parents who are struggling to reparent society’s most vulnerable children, those who have been permanently legally severed from their families of origin, my RAA SW is now recommending that birth mum becomes an official part of my support network and that we work towards sleepovers, once all official checks have been completed. I have an emergency appointment with the domestic abuse housing specialist at our local women centre tomorrow for AD1 and BM2 is stepping in to provide childcare. It works for us. Obviously, every case on its own merits.

You’re 100% correct, I guess it’s just a natural reaction, but defo parking for now x

I agree it is important not to derail the thread. My main point was it is important for the OP to be aware that contact is more likely than not. Regardless of it's merits or limitations, it will be part of her life and is something she needs to factor in.

This is not necessarily true.

Okay - I am not a current adopter, I am an adoptee. It may not necessarily be true. But I think it is safer for someone weighing this option up today to assume it is likely to be. Further along in the process, if they pursue it, they can get into the granular detail of what is being proposed/hoped for.

I am going to argue my point on social media contact more strongly though.

I think it is crazy not assume this is more than likely to happen and scenario plan for that eventuality.

Hi we adopted when our birth son was 2. We wanted to expand our family. Our adopted son has significant special needs - something that we were aware of as being a big possibility. The boys are now 13 and 14 and being honest? We are a pretty normal family (as normal as everyone that we know anyway!). The boys fight, annoy each other and love each other to death. They are just brothers - nothing else really. Feel free to message me if you want any of the details as obviously I wouldn’t go in to them on here. Good luck!

I would suggest you read the comments to the article on the BBC Radio 5 Live Facebook page where Nicki Campbell asked for adoption stories just yesterday ( weds 5th Aug). Sorry I tried to share the page but couldn't get the link to work.

This is good advice. There are over 500 posts talking about adoption.

Six hundred and counting now. The flood gates are opening.

Apparently the show ran this morning and I've heard it described as a recruitment campaign for adoption, so looks like all the comments have been ignored.

Thanks for the tip. I’m not a R5 listener. I will seek it out on Sounds. I think all of the comments and stories can’t be ignored and will be collated by the BBC, following its extensive adoption coverage last autumn. Anyway, if one prospective adopter reads any of my posts today and subsequently requests a full multi-disciplinary assessment by appropriately qualified professionals, I could die a happy woman!

@Mazzald

Sorry for your losses, it must be a difficult time for you.
Lots of people come to adoption after infertility so you wouldn't really be that unusual in that regard.
Having said that, everyone is questioned about motivations, including that adoption is what you really want to do and isn't just being seen as an easy route to completing your family. SWs will probably want to explore why you are not looking at fertility treatments. A valid choice but why ? They will probably want you to have a period of ttime after your last loss and starting the adoption process to ensure you have come to terms with not having any more birth children.
Be aware that parenting an adopted child is likely to be a very different experience to your birth child.
I don't have any birth children but I can give you a positive story.
I adopted an 8 year old with ASD, attending special school and significantly delayed. Today he is a happy, settled 22 year old who has just finished his degree and is going on to an MSc . He has worked alongside his degree, runs a car, has lots of friends. He has Duke of Edinburg Gold award. All my friends adore him and think he is the bees knees. Secretly I think he is my mum's favourite grandchild.
But getting him here has been challenging. We have been blessed by great schools and fabulous teachers, not everyone is, we had funding for therapy at a time when there was money available, its now been cut.
Most importantly he has been accepted unconditionally by my family and friends. From the day he walked in he was just another grandchild, nephew etc. He has never been treated differently, apart from by my oldest friend - who is now no longer a friend.
I wouldnt have my life as an adopter any other way, but its not without its coats. My son is doing exceptionally well, but i know there are things that bother him about his past. He will need my help and support with that for a long time.