Adopted niece frantic introductions

[Beetrootlady]

AIBU
My brother and his wife have just adopted a one year old, 2 weeks ago after 6 years of trying for a baby. I am the only one of 3 siblings to have a child before this with a 25 year old son. I’m a single mum. It’s come at a difficult time for the family as well as our mum has just died after a long illness. I’m feeling very uncomfortable about the way she has been introduced to people. First on the day of my mum’s death at my mums house she met me and my sister, although I really held back and didn’t interact with her much. Then on the day of my mums funeral, and today the day after it. We were at my mums house with my brother, sister in law and new daughter, my sister, my son, then my brothers best friend and some family friends came over. My brother was being very over stimulating with his daughter throwing her up and down, whizzing her into our faces and getting his bestie to do peekaboo, then cuddling her loads. It just all felt very strange. I don’t know what guidance they’ve had from the social worker about her attachment and how to introduce new people but this seems totally inappropriate and putting my brothers needs above the child. I know I can’t do anything about this but it’s really upsetting.

I’m sorry to hear about your mum. The death of a parent is so difficult and, gently, I think this may be affecting the way you see things here. What is it, exactly, that you object to? Is it the timing of the meeting or the fact that your brother seemed happy at a time when you think he should be sad? If it’s the first, I would say that a couple of weeks in probably isn’t ideal to meet lots of people. However, the circumstances have probably forced his hand here. He can’t miss his mum’s funeral but it is also important that he spends time with his new child. As long as he and his partner are doing all the caregiving, being in a room with a few other people isn’t going to do any harm.
As for my second point, you are grieving and your brother will be too. However, he has a new child and that is something to be celebrated. He can be sad about your mum and happy about his new child at the same time. A baby’s needs have to be addressed straightaway and they can’t have a timeout while your brother mourns. In fact, kudos to him for being there for the family and for his child. Are you expecting him not to attend a funeral as he has a new baby? That seems unfair.
I am an adopter and recently lost a parent too. Perhaps think back to your joy when you were a new parent and try and share in that with him.
It’s a difficult time. Be kind to yourself and him.

No it’s not that, it’s the very full on way everyone was interacting with the child all at once when she hadn’t met them before. I’ve read guidance about this and my instincts are that this should be done more sensitively and gradually at the child’s pace.

That's the general advice but I'm not sure it makes much difference longer term tbh. I know plenty of people who obeyed the order to avoid other people and still ended up with very challenging children, while others completely ignored it and did just fine.

Imo the big issues are more about the birth mother's stress levels, drug or alcohol use, genetic inheritance, loss of birth mother, quality of foster care, exposure to scary events etc. These are beyond the control of the adopter and imo telling adopters to stay at home and not see people is pretty irrelevant and can cause huge distress, both to the adopters, who are left completely isolated, and to the child, who may find that level of enforced intimacy with strangers really hard. If a child has attachment issues, likelihood is that they will need proper therapy, and this business of forcing everyone together, alone, will not cut it.

I’m not saying they should have stayed at home just the peepo with a six foot bearded middle aged man and swinging the baby into our faces accompanied by loud noises was too much. Everyone should have been calmer including the parents and more sensitive to her, allowing her to come to us and interact.

I don’t know what your brother and his wife have done wrong. I agree with Arran2024
Our 3rd adopted child came home just before Christmas to three siblings living at home and two days later our other two who were at uni arrived home plus daughters friend!
It was chaos, we muddled through and our social worker was aware!
We often laugh about that Christmas every thing turned out fine.

The guidance given on how to do this is very general and isn’t going to suit everyone. Plus it doesn’t really take into account normal needs for stimulation, comfort etc of young children.

We were told to ‘keep the world small,’ don’t go anywhere aside from the park/walks and home, don’t introduce anyone for a couple of weeks but a 2 year old needs more than that and we ended up starting gentle family intros after 10 days.

Very gently OP, try not to judge. It’s hard in normal circumstances but to do this whilst grieving a parent is harder.
Also, it may not be the best way to do this but remember that she has probably spent time in rooms with strangers before (foster carer family, childcare settings, medical appointments, social worker visits).

And lastly, do not say anything to your brother about it being weird that he was throwing her around/whizzing her to you. He’s new to this and likely self-conscious (I know I definitely played with LO a little louder when out and about initially as I felt like I had a big sign on me that said ‘I’ve recently adopted this child and I don’t know what I’m doing’).

In an ideal world everything would be calm and measured, but it’s not an ideal world and it sounds like your brother and his wife were excited to let their daughter meet the family albeit in very sad circumstances.

It’s totally normal to play peekaboo with small children, what do you suggest he did - sit in the corner quietly with his infant child? Is it that it felt unseemly given your mums death? I’d be concerned that your brother is able to be around family at this time of loss and change.

Him being able to feel connected and supported will help his emotional wellbeing which in turn will help him cope with the massive changes that come with adoption. He’s finding his way and won’t always get it right, please don’t be that person that questions his every move.

Hi @Beetrootlady I think it sounds like two major things have happened in everyone's life at the same time and that's really difficult.

I agree with pps that the fact of introducing your brother's new little one at an early point and at these family gatherings (which are very sad for all the adults and I am sorry for the loss of your Mum) is not likely to be an issue. As much as there is best practice, there is real life too. Your brother couldn't not be around during his Mum's death and funeral. He also couldn't be away from his new little one as they establish their bond. And it was probably quite important that he be playful and hands on even when that jarred with the funeral setting.

But it seems to me from your later posts that what bothered you most was how your brother and his friend was interacting with his little one. I think (but apologies if I have this wrong) that you feel they were being too full on and intense with her.

From what you've described, I can understand why it left you feeling uneasy. It's also unfortunately harder for posters here to comment on the appropriateness accurately because we weren't there and know nothing of the usual temperaments of those involved.

Can I ask how long your brother and sister in law had introductions for? Some can be incredibly quick; mine and my husband's was on the longer side (3 weeks before our son moved in). That for me makes a bit of a difference because typically during introductions the interactions are supervised either by a social worker or foster family. Ours would gently guide as to the best approach with our son in various situations. Guidance/best practice after all is generalized. But every child and their needs/best approach is different. So for example we spent a lot of our early interactions on a trampoline doing a lot of bouncing and my son climbing all over my husband. This first happened at our very first meeting. Our son as you may have guessed was older (5 at the time) and very full of energy. So this may not be comparable to your new niece at all. But hopefully it demonstrates that slow and gentle interactions are not right for every child.

Also, how long did the throwing, whizzing and peekaboo last? Did it start quite full on and then calm down? Or was it for quite a prolonged period/most of the day? Gently, new adopted parents typically find the process very strange and make quite a lot mistakes. Heavens knows I did and still do (4 years in). Taking things too fast is a very common one which is why you find so much advice about it. But then we all learn and adjust to our mistakes. And it strikes me as an incredibly difficult situation for your brother. Grieving his mum and trying to bond with his little one at the exact same time. I could absolutely see me going over the top trying to be happy and confident for my little one when inside I was really struggling. In fact if I think back I could probably find examples of times I was like that with my son. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I also know I wouldn't as an adult like having a new child whizzed in my face during a wake.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, how was your niece responding to these interactions? Was she distressed, was she showing non verbal signs like pushing them back or turning away? Or was she engaged by them? For me the key question is whether the actions were overstimulating for her. I can absolutely imagine how this would be overstimulating for grieving adults in a funeral setting; but not actually inappropriate for the child. But again, a lot depends on how long this all went on for.

In your position I wouldn't do or say anything about these specific events. Ultimately it was a very strange time and difficult for you all. Your brother may well have misjudged these events/interactions. If this is an isolated incident, hopefully any harm is minimal. It's hard to think of many circumstances more unusual than trying to establish life as a new adoptive family while saying goodbye to your own mum.

If in answering my questions above (and by the way they are intended to help you and you don't have to answer me at all) you feel your brother did go over the top here, then it may be sensible to keep an eye out for patterns. If you notice patterns starting to emerge, I would first wonder whether him being too intense could be a sign he is struggling. Either with all the new responsibility or with attaching and bonding with his daughter ('fake it until you make it' in overdrive). That might be the point at which I'd start thinking about how best you can reassure and support your brother. It will be important if you ever spoke to him about this, to come from a place of checking if everything/he is OK, rather than only looking at it from reporting what you saw and felt.

Imo attachment is a marathon, not a sprint. But also, other people can be very judgemental of adopters - they think they can't possibly know how to parent, they could do it much better etc. A lot of adopters over strive to be "perfect" as a result. I think you need to hang back tbh and leave your brother to it.