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Adoption

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Adoption/BMI/Frustration

7 replies

potadopter · 24/07/2026 21:14

Hi All,

looking for some advice and possibly some experiences with dealing with Adoption London South.

Me and my wife are unable to conceive naturally so after thinking about fertility treatment for a while we decided to take the adoption route.

We started the process with Adoption London South last October. We completed the online initial course before a meeting with the agency.

We was told we had to complete volunteering before we saw a social worker. I found this strange as most stories I’ve read potential adopters do the volunteering during Stage One? Please correct me if I’m wrong.

Me and my wife completed the minimum amount of volunteering sessions required but we did inform the Agency we are willing to carry on if more are required during the stage one and stage two.

So, we had a visit from the SW a few weeks ago. I thought it went quite well. We got a call back this week and the SW said we need to go for a medical before we start Stage One. Which again, most stories I’ve read this is done during stage one.

Me and the wife have high BMI one is at 38 and one is at 42. Also, some mental health issues and type 2 diabetes. This has been a bit of a concern but would not get in the way of the love and care we can give to a child/children.

It feels like the agency are trying to put us off, I got a feeling no matter what comes back from this medical (good or bad) there will be another hurdle put in the way!! It’s becoming really frustrating and we have not even started stage one and we have been at it 9 months already.

If anyone has any advice or stories please share. Would really like to get an insight into other peoples experiences with adoption especially if you have dealt with this agency or the weight issue!!

I have shared on other sites hoping to get some feedback

TIA

J

OP posts:
ThisHonestPeachEagle · 25/07/2026 08:29

Hi, I’ve adopted 3 times. The asks around volunteering and health are quite standard through the adoption process - the agency are giving you indications of where there may be gaps or issues for you as you progress before they invest time in taking you through the formal process.
in terms of your health, they will likely ask you to work on the weight and health related issues - a BMI of 42 is in the region of morbidly obese and that will trigger concerns. It’s nothing to do with the love you can provide a child but the longer term implications for your health and how that would impact the family. Adopting is hugely stressful and the agency will need confidence that both of you are mentally and physically ready. It’s not uncommon for agencies to ask to see weight loss and health improvement before progressing through the process.
If you are genuinely interested in adopting, I would access GP support to a weight loss programme and demonstrate an understanding of the importance of health, good nutrition and healthy lifestyle choices.
Best of luck to you both

GracieHC · 25/07/2026 12:22

My BMI was in the obese category during the process but was not raised until we’d formally started the process. My social worker made a real big deal about it and she left me feeling really crappy about myself. However when it came to both approval and matching panel I just received a few tactful questions around healthy eating and exercise and that was it. Saying that though, I didn’t have any underlying health concerns either.
In the mean time a couple in our prep group who were both considerable larger than me sailed through the process and were matched with a LO long before I was.

Pieandchips999 · 25/07/2026 13:23

I'm not in the area but recently went to virtual adoption UK prospective adopter group. There was someone there from those London areas who said they have real staff shortages. So I think they are asking you to do lots you'd often do in stage 1. It was so bad they suggested going to a va.

My BMI is about 32. At the medical I had to make a plan to lose weight. I've heard some agencies don't accept people whose BMI is over 35. I think it will be extra tricky with diabetes so I would focus on that. We've just got through stage 1 and it was an anxious time waiting to see how our medicals went

ThisHonestPeachEagle · 25/07/2026 16:09

You also mentioned mental health issues too - these will without a doubt be explored by a social worker and is something you should consider carefully before progressing with adoption. I would recommend you have explored support for any existing mental health issues and a clear plan on how you will manage that, and be prepared to discuss it with the adoption agency and social workers.

sunshineandskyscrapers · 25/07/2026 16:57

It's ten years since I adopted, but a significant proportion of my prep group brought their own lunch to the sessions rather than eat the buffet provided because they were engaging to a greater or lesser extent in weight loss.

What I am about to say is probably going to make for uncomfortable reading, but I think you need to hear it if you are serious about pursuing adoption. The child's needs have to be at the heart of a child being placed for adoption. At the moment you are focusing on yourself and your partner, and that is absolutely fine for the stage you are at, but over the coming months (or perhaps years if that's what it takes) as you go on this journey, you will need to shift your thinking to what does this mean for a real (not hypothetical) child.

You've said that your weight/mental health would not get in the way of the love and care you can give to a child. On a surface level that might be true, but many or even most, adopted children have some level of additional need, which may not be evident when they are placed. Love and care are really just the tip of the iceberg of what they need.

All children need a certain amount of energy to 'keep up' with them. I'm currently nursing wounds from thinking I could cycle up a hill to keep up with my eleven year old. Adopted children often have an extra level of challenge in this respect. They will test you mentally and physically in ways you will not have experienced before. You may have a hyperactive child who really needs to get out to the park to blow off some steam to regulate, but you've been up with them in the night due to night terrors or bedwetting, or a child who runs away from you whenever they feel anxious, even if you're in a busy shopping centre or at a train station. Adopted children may have difficulties socialising with their peers, or just don't fit in due to being a bit different or presenting as younger than their chronological age. Care givers of adopted children are more likely to need to actively engage in their children's play to plug that gap when friends are in short supply. None of this is hyperbole. These examples are all based on adopted children I know.

I am saying this to prepare you for what could be coming your way. There are guidelines for adoption agencies regarding bmi (you can google this). This doesn't mean that you will be prevented from adopting based solely on having a high bmi. Others above have said it's possible. But you can see from the examples above why it makes sense for prospective adopters to be in the best health they can be, and to want to make changes in order to be the best effective parents they can be, not only right now, but ongoing for the next 10-20 years. As mentioned upthread, it's as much about making that commitment to wanting to improve your health, and being able to take action on feedback given, than the actual BMI at the end of it.

Consider as well, the staff shortages mentioned above. If the agency only has resource to progress with half the people that apply, they will want to go forward with those who the feel are most likely to go the distance in terms of the approval process, having a child placed and the all-important parenting that comes at the end of it all. That might feel unfair, until you remember that adoption is about getting it right for children, and not about the needs or desires of prospective adopters.

The 'obstacles' being thrown in your way are certainly not unusual, and most adopters will have their own unique story to tell about this. At times it feels like you are being tested for your patience, resilience and self-advocacy. Often delays though are purely down to lack of resource. Honestly, the challenges of getting through the adoption process have paled in comparison to the challenges I've faced since my child was placed. You are probably aware of the SEND crisis - and if not I would suggest you read up on this fairly urgently. Children are waiting years for autism and adhd diagnoses (and then add on at least another year if your child needs ADHD medication), years for ehcp plans which often involve a lengthy fight and a sometimes a tribunal, years out of school waiting for a suitable school place to become available. You might have in mind that you would not want a child with high needs, but the fact is that it's the needs of children that sit somewhere in between high and low (where a lot of adopted child sit, in fact) that are falling between the cracks. If you adopt a child under 4, their level of SEN likely won't be apparent. If you adopt a child 4 and over you will at least have a better idea, but many children do not get a formal diagnosis until they have been at school for a couple of years.

The delays I faced waiting to adopt, and there were many, were honestly a walk in the park - quite literally when I could use that time to work on myself, my house, take a holiday etc. Delays when you have a child out of school and you are trying to hold down a job are next level in terms of testing you. Adopting my child remains the best thing I have ever done, but it has been very challenging on many levels.

I know that won't have been an easy read. It was not meant to put you off, but you do need to at least take a step back and look at the bigger picture to make sure this is definitely right for you. I hope it has given you some food for thought. Good luck!

Jellycatspyjamas · 26/07/2026 09:16

They will want an early medical to give you both time to address your weight, one you start state 1 there are timescales for their report and they will want to show that you’ve taken steps to address it and how successful you’ve been in doing that. They’re trying to give you a chance here.

An early medical also means that you have time to put plans in place for mental health support. You don’t say what the MH issues are (which is fine), but your mental health will be affected by a child being placed with you. It’s a huge change in lifestyle, identity and simply needing to be “on” all the time for kids you don’t have an existing relationship with. It’s hard in so many ways they will want to know how you recognise your mental health is slipping, how you usually cope (taking yourself off to bed, or needing quiet and space isn’t possible with kids) and the kind of help you access when struggling.

They will also want to see steady management of the diabetes.

Everything @sunshineandskyscrapers said is true, so give some consideration to how you cope with delays in the system, or if something happens in your own life that means you need to pause things.

FinallyMummy · 26/07/2026 21:23

I adopted 2 years ago and both me and DH have high BMIs.
DH has no health issues so all we needed was his medical to show he wasn’t on medication, hadn’t needed dr in a long time and that GP had no reason to be concerned about his health.
For me, I have had some health issues related to my weight so I needs to lose some weight.

Weight wise, being told to lose weight isn’t the same as proactively saying you’re aware it may be an issue and are in the process of addressing it. Bringing it up early lets you do that so they’re kind of doing you a favour.

Diabetes - this won’t rule you out but if poorly managed it can cause a lot of issues and potentially leave that person physically unable to parent. The concern from SW is based around the worst case scenario so you need to show how the diabetes is managed - meds taken regularly, attending any appointments needed, no hospitalisations for a long time etc.
It’s also tied a little to the weight issue - SW want assurance that you’re doing your best to be healthy and around for a long time for a child.
The brutal truth is that I regret not pushing harder and losing more weight. I lost some but not enough, I’m still overweight and having a LO is exhausting. I can’t do all the things I want with him and it’s hard.

Mental health - again, worst case scenario is a parent who is absent or unable to parent, or being unstable enough to affect a child. And an adopted child will need stability from you straight away, they need you to be the base to absorb their needs and provide for them.
Similar to diabetes, SW will want to know the issue is under control, medication (if used) isn’t missed, appointments attended and crucially, how either of you would spot if things were going downhill and what the plan is to access support. The aim here is for you to be open to going to a dr if you needed to.

As for feeling like the agency is putting one hurdle in front of you after another, that’s the process. It’s a bit crap if I’m honest, the hoops to jump through are ridiculous. We took the approach of ‘if we can get through this, it shows how much we want this.’

My only advice is to push on through. Contact the SW and ask for a plan as you’re concerned about progress but the whole process is intrusive. They’re going to ask about your health, your finances, your upbringing, your relationship etc and it’s bloody hard going.

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