Death of a birth parent

[SuperAunt08]

Hello,
We have heard of the sudden death of my adopted child’s birth parent. My son is 12, was taken into foster care at 3 and has been with us since he was 5. There has been no contact, either direct or by letterbox but he does have contact with an older birth sibling so occasionally speaks of birth parents and we’ve always been very honest and open when speaking of them.
For this reason we decided he needed to be told of the death but he is now asking to go to the funeral. We don’t think this is appropriate, but does anyone have experience of a similar situation or advice?

There’s a complicated family situation which I won’t fully go in to but we would not be comfortable attending the funeral and it would open up safe guarding concerns with the type of people who would attend and open a can of worms.

That is very tricky. I would be honest with him and say it is sadly stll not safe for him to be around birth family.

I am quite surprised you have heard in time for him attending the funeral to even be an option, that does make it harder for you.

Perhaps on the day you could take him somewhere where he can spend a bit of quiet time or make your own little ceremony somewhere, maybe lay some flowers, so he can have the sense of marking her passing?

Or, if you know where it is being held, visit there the day before or after? Some crematoriums actually offer 'reflection days' where they open up the gardens and the service rooms for people to go along if theu weren't able to make the funeral?

Some funerals have a live video link still (from Covid times). Would that be an option?

I hope you find something that works for him to be able to process what he needs to in a safe and supported way.

That's hard, sorry to hear that. You might want to get him some therapeutic support for this - i was told once that death of a birth parent can be particularly hard on an adoptive child as it means they never get an answer, apology etc.

I guess if you watch a stream you will see birth family members but have no clue who they are. I think that might not be straightforward either.

Sorry, no direct experience but hope you can get some professional advice.

I just want to caution you because this sounds like it could become about a bit more than the funeral. It is really difficult because your son is reaching an age where if he wants to meet with his birth family, and it sounds like he is curious, he will be able to find a way - if not right now, then over the coming years. Unfortunately in the age of social media this is almost always possible (easy, even) and I have seen many cases as a professional where a teen has gone behind their adoptive parents' back to meet birth family - no matter how happy and stable the adoption is. So without wanting to sound like I am scaremongering based on this one event, I'd caution against saying no and brushing it under the carpet and I think you should seek therapeutic support because this sounds like this is a brewing issue that could become a much bigger one as he ages, if that interest in his family is there now it is unlikely to go away easily.

Thank you
he is already in therapy so I will definitely speak to his therapist. He does have some contact with some safe birth relatives and we answer questions honestly as they come up so there isn’t the feeling that he’s going to go behind our backs seeking them out but it’s a fair point to raise with social media etc.

I'm sorry you're all going through this. I think you did the right thing by being honest with your son.
It's understandable that he wants to attend the funeral, even without contact, but if you have genuine safeguarding concerns, it's okay to say no. His safety and emotional wellbeing have to come first.
You could help him say goodbye in another way, such as writing a letter, lighting a candle, or creating a small remembrance together. If he's struggling with the loss, speaking with an adoption support worker or therapist could also be helpful.
Wishing you and your family strength during this difficult time.