What to know if we ever was to adopt ?

[Lifesforloving1]

Hi everyone ,
Just wanted to know how hard it is to adopt a child if we were to do so.
I’ve currently had 2 miscarriages and a ectopic pregancy . If we were to look down adoption what would we need to do to get excepted ? Also I have a slight disability of the use of my right arm due to a car crash . Would this effect chances ? Thankyou .

The process to adopt is not always an easy one. You would be assigned a social worker who would assess you. They would do a very in depth assessment that usually takes 6 months. If all is positive you go to an adoption panel which is usually 8-12 people from different backgrounds. When you are approved you then have to get matched to a child or children. This can be very quick but can also take a very long time depending on how broad you are with your matching criteria and sheer luck! If you are chosen by the child’s SW you will then have matching panel. When the match is approved introductions are planned and then your son or daughter comes home. When your child first comes home they are still looked after by social services so that you get adequate support, they will still have a different surname from you. Once they have been home for a few months you can apply for the adoption order. When the adoption order is granted in court they will plan a celebration hearing for your family. Only an adoption order severs all legal ties with the birth family and once this is granted your child will be able to have your surname.

Adoption is wonderful but can also be challenging and is different to having a birth child. Most children only have letterbox contact with birth families and some birth families do not engage. Some children (DS included) have direct contact where they still see birth family a couple of times a year.

This board is brilliant, just reading through lots of different threads will give you an insight. Something to consider though is that often people post when they are struggling rather than posting when life is going well.

@Lifesforloving1 I am so sorry to hear of your losses.

SFCA has done a brilliant summary of the process.

I don't think your arm will be any problem as long as you can perform normal tasks for the child/children.

Have you already tried fertility treatment?

My first thought, as a birth parent and parent to an adopted child, is always do you want to pursue fertility treatment\more treatment?

If you do, do that first.

If not, explain to social worker why not. It's not wrong to not want fertility treatment/ more treatment but they will ask.

You need to allow time to grieve not having birth children (assuming you do not/ part we dies not).

It's not an easy process having fertility treatment but neither is the adoption process. So it's not that one is easier, just to know what is right for you.

Sorry I got distracted by toddlers!

I also wanted to say that I am sorry to hear about your miscarriages. Most adopters are older than birth parents so there is no pressure to decide now, just go at your own pace.

Best wishes for the future

Hello @Lifesforloving1 I'm sorry for your losses

To add to the other excellent replies, no disability does not exclude you from adoption. It is a tough process though , rightly so, and you do need to be in right place emotionally and mentally.
Social workers arent looking for perfect parents but there are things they focus on. Practical things include
whether you have a secure and stable home with room for a child, stable finances - can you afford a child
Can the primary carer take a significant amount of adoption leave - usually up to a year.
They will want to know that you understand why children need new families and the support they need. Research developmental trauma, attachment, Feotal alcohol syndrome, ASD, ADHD - just as starters as these are conditions which affect many adopted children. Many adopted children have problems and issues which can impact on your ability to work. I still work part time 8 years in though I have gone back up to 4 days recently.
Some people sail through the process but its not uncommon for people to have issues they need to address - being overweight or a smoker for example. You may need some time to get finances in order or do some work on your house. I don't think I've come across many issues which couldnt be overcome with time and effort.
If you decide to go ahead, shop around for an agency which suits you, you don't have to use your local LA

I’m so sorry for your losses, and hope you’re looking after yourself in it all.

It’s worth remembering that the process is wholly about finding families for children, not finding children for prospective parents. That means that what children need will be at the centre of the process which can feel a bit like your own needs aren’t considered - which can particularly impact matching and planning around placement. It’s ok in the process for you to keep in mind what you need as parents - what you’re able to cope with and what you prefer. For example I knew I couldn’t care for a child with significant disabilities because I would need to do some kind of work - my DD has learning difficulties and I work part time, which is fine, but I knew I couldn’t be a full time carer forever.

It’s also important to take time to mourn the losses you’ve had, I didn’t expect having my children placed with me to bring up feelings around infertility again but it absolutely did. Having taken the time to mourn and grieve I was able to recognise those feelings and seek support but it was a surprise to me because I thought I had dealt with it. I don’t know your background (and I’m not asking you to share) but if you’ve had trauma (you mentioned a car crash), again I’d work on resolving any issues left over from you because - strange as it sounds - having children can trigger all that off again unexpectedly.

That’s not so much about being accepted, but being in the best place to care for yourself and any children who come along.